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praises of the conduct of Mrs。 Sliverstone in the production of eight young
children； and the subsequent rearing and fostering of the same； and thus
the husband magnifies the wife； and the wife the husband。
This would be well enough if Mr。 and Mrs。 Sliverstone kept it to
themselves； or even to themselves and a friend or two； but they do not。
The more hearers they have； the more egotistical the couple become； and
the more anxious they are to make believers in their merits。 Perhaps this is
the worst kind of egotism。 It has not even the poor excuse of being
spontaneous； but is the result of a deliberate system and malice
aforethought。 Mere empty…headed conceit excites our pity； but ostentatious
hypocrisy awakens our disgust。
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THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE
THEMSELVES
Mrs。 Merrywinkle's maiden name was Chopper。 She was the only
child of Mr。 and Mrs。 Chopper。 Her father died when she was； as the play…
books express it； 'yet an infant；' and so old Mrs。 Chopper； when her
daughter married； made the house of her son…in…law her home from that
time henceforth； and set up her staff of rest with Mr。 and Mrs。
Merrywinkle。
Mr。 and Mrs。 Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves； and
the venerable Mrs。 Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same。
Mr。 Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long…necked gentleman； middle…
aged and middle…sized； and usually troubled with a cold in the head。 Mrs。
Merrywinkle is a delicate…looking lady； with very light hair； and is
exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder。 The venerable Mrs。
Chopper … who is strictly entitled to the appellation； her daughter not being
very young； otherwise than by courtesy； at the time of her marriage； which
was some years ago … is a mysterious old lady who lurks behind a pair of
spectacles； and is afflicted with a chronic disease； respecting which she
has taken a vast deal of medical advice； and referred to a vast number of
medical books； without meeting any definition of symptoms that at all
suits her； or enables her to say； 'That's my complaint。' Indeed； the absence
of authentic information upon the subject of this complaint would seem to
be Mrs。 Chopper's greatest ill； as in all other respects she is an
uncommonly hale and hearty gentlewoman。
Both Mr。 and Mrs。 Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of flannel；
and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an unnatural extent。
They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such… like compounds； and
rub themselves on the slightest provocation with camphorated spirits and
other lotions applicable to mumps； sore…throat； rheumatism； or lumbago。
Mr。 Merrywinkle's leaving home to go to business on a damp or wet
morning is a very elaborate affair。 He puts on wash…leather socks over his
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Sketches of Young Couples
stockings； and India…rubber shoes above his boots； and wears under his
waistcoat a cuirass of hare…skin。 Besides these precautions； he winds a
thick shawl round his throat； and blocks up his mouth with a large silk
handkerchief。 Thus accoutred； and furnished besides with a great…coat and
umbrella； he braves the dangers of the streets； travelling in severe weather
at a gentle trot； the better to preserve the circulation； and bringing his
mouth to the surface to take breath； but very seldom； and with the utmost
caution。 His office…door opened； he shoots past his clerk at the same pace；
and diving into his own private room； closes the door； examines the
window…fastenings； and gradually unrobes himself： hanging his pocket…
handkerchief on the fender to air； and determining to write to the
newspapers about the fog； which； he says； 'has really got to that pitch that
it is quite unbearable。'
In this last opinion Mrs。 Merrywinkle and her respected mother fully
concur； for though not present； their thoughts and tongues are occupied
with the same subject； which is their constant theme all day。 If anybody
happens to call； Mrs。 Merrywinkle opines that they must assuredly be mad；
and her first salutation is； 'Why； what in the name of goodness can bring
you out in such weather？ You know you MUST catch your death。' This
assurance is corroborated by Mrs。 Chopper； who adds； in further
confirmation； a dismal legend concerning an individual of her
acquaintance who； making a call under precisely parallel circumstances；
and being then in the best health and spirits； expired in forty…eight hours
afterwards； of a complication of inflammatory disorders。 The visitor；
rendered not altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other precedents；
inquires very affectionately after Mr。 Merrywinkle； but by so doing brings
about no change of the subject； for Mr。 Merrywinkle's name is inseparably
connected with his complaints； and his complaints are inseparably
connected with Mrs。 Merrywinkle's； and when these are done with； Mrs。
Chopper； who has been biding her time； cuts in with the chronic disorder …
a subject upon which the amiable old lady never leaves off speaking until
she is left alone； and very often not then。
But Mr。 Merrywinkle comes home to dinner。 He is received by Mrs。
Merrywinkle and Mrs。 Chopper； who； on his remarking that he thinks his
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feet are damp； turn pale as ashes and drag him up…stairs； imploring him to
have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel。 Rubbed they are； one
by Mrs。 Merrywinkle and one by Mrs。 Chopper； until the friction causes
Mr。 Merrywinkle to make horrible faces； and look as if he had been
smelling very powerful onions； when they desist； and the patient； provided
for his better security with thick worsted stockings and list slippers； is
borne down…stairs to dinner。 Now； the dinner is always a good one； the
appetites of the diners being delicate； and requiring a little of what Mrs。
Merrywinkle calls 'tittivation；' the secret of which is understood to lie in
good