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He； if you breed him a little to it； and tie the due official bladders to his ankles； will do as well as another this sublime problem of balancing himself upon the vortexes； with the long loaded…pole in his hands； and will； with straddling painful gestures； float hither and thither； walking the waters in that singular manner for a little while； as well as his foregoers did； till he also capsize； and be left floating feet uppermost； after which you choose another。
What an immense pother； by parliamenting and palavering in all corners of your empire； to decide such a question as that！ I say； if that is the function； almost any human creature can learn to discharge it： fling out your orange…skin again； and save an incalculable labor； and an emission of nonsense and falsity； and electioneering beer and bribery and balderdash； which is terrible to think of； in deciding。 Your National Parliament； in so far as it has only that question to decide； may be considered as an enormous National Palaver existing mainly for imaginary purposes； and certain； in these days of abbreviated labor； to get itself sent home again to its partridge…shootings； fox…huntings； and above all； to its rat…catchings； if it could but understand the time of day； and know （as our indignant Crabbe remarks） that 〃the real Nimrod of this era； who alone does any good to the era； is the rat…catcher！〃
The notion that any Government is or can be a No…Government； without the deadliest peril to all noble interests of the Commonwealth； and by degrees slower or swifter to all ignoble ones also； and to the very gully…drains； and thief lodging…houses； and Mosaic sweating establishments； and at last without destruction to such No…Government itself；was never my notion； and I hope it will soon cease altogether to be the world's or to be anybody's。 But if it be the correct notion； as the world seems at present to flatter itself； I point out improvements and abbreviations。 Dismiss your National Palaver； make the _Times_ Newspaper your National Palaver； which needs no beer…barrels or hustings； and is _cheaper_ in expense of money and of falsity a thousand and a million fold； have an economical red…tape drilling establishment （it were easier to devise such a thing than a right _Modern University_）；and fling out your orange…skin among the graduates； when you want a new Premier。
A mighty question indeed！ Who shall be Premier； and take in hand the 〃rudder of government；〃 otherwise called the 〃spigot of taxation；〃 shall it be the Honorable Felix Parvulus； or the Right Honorable Felicissimus Zero？ By our electioneerings and Hansard Debatings； and ever…enduring tempest of jargon that goes on everywhere； we manage to settle that； to have it declared； with no bloodshed except insignificant blood from the nose in hustings…time； but with immense beershed and inkshed and explosion of nonsense； which darkens all the air； that the Right Honorable Zero is to be the man。 That we firmly settle； Zero； all shivering with rapture and with terror； mounts into the high saddle； cramps himself on； with knees； heels； hands and feet； and the horse gallopswhither it lists。 That the Right Honorable Zero should attempt controlling the horseAlas； alas； he； sticking on with beak and claws； is too happy if the horse will only gallop any…whither； and not throw him。 Measure； polity； plan or scheme of public good or evil； is not in the head of Felicissimus； except； if he could but devise it； some measure that would please his horse for the moment； and encourage him to go with softer paces； godward or devilward as it might be； and save Felicissimus's leather； which is fast wearing。 This is what we call a Government in England； for nearly two centuries now。
I wish Felicissimus were saddle…sick forever and a day！ He is a dreadful object； however much we are used to him。 If the horse had not been bred and broken in； for a thousand years； by real riders and horse…subduers； perhaps the best and bravest the world ever saw； what would have become of Felicissimus and him long since？ This horse； by second…nature； religiously respects all fences； gallops； if never so madly； on the highways alone；seems to me； of late； like a desperate Sleswick thunder…horse who had lost his way； galloping in the labyrinthic lanes of a woody flat country； passionate to reach his goal； unable to reach it； because in the flat leafy lanes there is no outlook whatever； and in the bridle there is no guidance whatever。 So he gallops stormfully along； thinking it is forward and forward； and alas； it is only round and round； out of one old lane into the other；nay （according to some） 〃he mistakes _his own footprints_； which of course grow ever more numerous； for the sign of a more and more frequented road；〃 and his despair is hourly increasing。 My impression is； he is certain soon； such is the growth of his necessity and his despair； toplunge _across_ the fence； into an opener survey of the country； and to sweep Felicissimus off his back； and comb him away very tragically in the process！ Poor Sleswicker； I wish you were better ridden。 I perceive it lies in the Fates you must now either be better ridden； or else not long at all。 This plunging in the heavy labyrinth of over…shaded lanes； with one's stomach getting empty； one's Ireland falling into cannibalism； and no vestige of a goal either visible or possible； cannot last。
Colonial Offices； Foreign； Home and other Offices； got together under these strange circumstances； cannot well be expected to be the best that human ingenuity could devise； the wonder rather is to see them so good as they are。 Who made them； ask me not。 Made they clearly were； for we see them here in a concrete condition； writing despatches； and drawing salary with a view to buy pudding。 But how those Offices in Downing Street were made； who made them； or for what kind of objects they were made； would be hard to say at present。 Dim visions and phantasmagories gathered from the Books of Horace Walpole； Memoirs of Bubb Doddington； Memoirs of my Lady Sundon； Lord Fanny Hervey； and innumerable others； rise on us； beckoning fantastically towards； not an answer； but some conceivable intimations of an answer； and proclaiming very legibly the old text； 〃_Quam parva sapientia_；〃 in respect of this hard…working much…subduing British Nation； giving rise to endless reflections in a thinking Englishman of this day。 Alas； it is ever so： each generation has its task； and does it better or worse； greatly neglecting what is not immediately its task。 Our poor grandfathers； so busy conquering Indias； founding Colonies； inventing spinning…jennies； kindling Lancashires and Bromwichams； took no thought about the government of all that； left it all to be governed by Lord Fanny and the Hanover Succession； or how the gods pleased。 And now we the poor grandchildren find that it will not stick together on these terms any longer； that our sad； dangerous and sore task is to discover some government for this big world which has been conquered to us； that the red…tape Offices in Downing Street are near the end of their rope； that if we can get nothing better； in the way of government； it is all over with our world and us。 How th