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osen of God; there is no talk of your being saved; FOR IT IS NOT OF HIM THAT WILLETH; NOR OF HIM THAT RUNNETH; BUT OF GOD THAT SHOWETH MERCY。
61。 By these things I was driven to my wits' end; not knowing what to say; or how to answer these temptations: (indeed; I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me; but that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect only attained eternal life; that; I without scruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was one of them; there lay the question。
62。 Thus therefore; for several days; I was greatly assaulted and perplexed; and was often; when I have been walking; ready to sink where I went; with faintness in my mind; but one day; after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life; that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit; LOOK AT THE GENERATIONS OF OLD; AND SEE; DID EVER ANY TRUST IN GOD; AND WERE CONFOUNDED?
63。 At which I was greatly lightened; and encouraged in my soul; for thus; at that very instant; it was expounded to me: BEGIN AT THE BEGINNING OF GENESIS; AND READ TO THE END OF THE REVELATIONS; AND SEE IF YOU CAN FIND; THAT THERE WERE EVER ANY THAT TRUSTED IN THE LORD; AND WERE CONFOUNDED。 So coming home; I presently went to my Bible; to see if I could find that saying; not doubting but to find it presently; for it was so fresh; and with such strength and comfort on my spirit; that it was as if it talked with me。
64。 Well; I looked; but I found it not; only it abode upon me: Then did I ask first this good man; and then another; if they knew where it was; but they knew no such place。 At this I wondered; that such a sentence should so suddenly; and with such comfort and strength; seize; and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture)。
65。 Thus I continued above a year; and could not find the place; but at last; casting my eye upon the APOCRYPHA books; I found it in ECCLESIASTICUS; Eccles。 ii。 10。 This; at the first; did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God; it troubled me the less; especially when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises; it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for that word; for it was of God to me: that word doth still at times shine before my face。
66。 After this; that other doubt did come with strength upon me; BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE SHOULD BE PAST AND GONE? How if you have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day; as I was walking in the country; I was much in the thoughts of this; BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE IS PAST? And to aggravate my trouble; the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of BEDFORD; and suggested thus unto me; that these being converted already; they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late; for these had got the blessing before I came。
67。 Now I was in great distress; thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down; bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long; and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out; Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself; to think that I should have no more wit; but to trifle away my time; till my soul and heaven were lost。
68。 But when I had been long vexed with this fear; and was scarce able to take one step more; just about the same place where I received my other encouragement; these words broke in upon my mind; COMPEL THEM TO COME IN; THAT MY HOUSE MAY BE FILLED; AND YET THERE IS ROOM。 Luke xiv。 22; 23。 These words; but especially those; AND YET THERE IS ROOM; were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover; that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words; He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come; that I should be afflicted with fear; that there was no place left for me in His bosom; did before speak this word; and leave it upon record; that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation。 This I then verily believed。
69。 In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the more; when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago; and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily; that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal。
70。 But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I say; both from Satan; mine own heart; and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death; and of the day of judgment; which abode; as it were; continually in my view: I would often also think on NEBUCHADNEZZAR; of whom it is said; HE HAD GIVEN HIM ALL THE KINGDOMS OF THE EARTH。 Dan。 v。 18; 19。 Yet; thought I; if this great man had all his portion in this world; one hour in hell…fire would make him forget all。 Which consideration was a great help to me。
71。 I was also made; about this time; to see something concerning the beasts that MOSES counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the CLEAN; types of them that were the people of God; but the UNCLEAN; types of such as were the children of the wicked one。 Now I read; that the clean beasts CHEWED THE CUD; that is; thought I; they show us; we must feed upon the word of God: they also PARTED THE HOOF。 I thought that signified; we must part; if we would be saved; with the ways of ungodly men。 And also; in further reading about them; I found; that though we did chew the cud; as the HARE; yet if we walked with claws; like a dog; or if we did part the hoof; like the SWINE; yet if we did not chew the cud; as the sheep; we were still; for all that; but unclean: for I thought the HARE to be a type of those that talk of the word; yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the SWINE was like him that parted with his outward pollutions; but still wanteth the word of faith; without which there could be no way of salvation; let a man be never so devout。 Deut。 xiv。 After this; I found by reading the word; that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world MUST BE CALLED BY HIM HERE; called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness; and to the comforts and first… fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things; which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest; and house of glory; which is in heaven above。
72。 Here again I was at a very I great stand; not knowing what to do; fearing I was not called; for; thought I; if I be not called; what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven。 But oh! how I now loved those words that