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Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY。 What a plague means my niece to take the death of her
brother thus？ I am sure care's an enemy to life。 MARIA。 By my troth； Sir
Toby； you must come in earlier o' nights； your cousin； my lady； takes great
exceptions to your ill hours。 SIR TOBY。 Why； let her except before
excepted。 MARIA。 Ay； but you must confine yourself within the modest
limits of order。 SIR TOBY。 Confine！ I'll confine myself no finer than I am。
These clothes are good enough to drink in； and so be these boots too； an
they be not； let them hang themselves in their own straps。 MARIA。 That
quaffing and drinking will undo you； I heard my lady talk of it yesterday；
and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer。
SIR TOBY。 Who？ Sir Andrew Aguecheek？ MARIA。 Ay； he。 SIR TOBY。
He's as tall a man as any's in Illyria。 MARIA。 What's that to th' purpose？
SIR TOBY。 Why； he has three thousand ducats a year。 MARIA。 Ay； but
he'll have but a year in all these ducats； he's a very fool and a prodigal。
SIR TOBY。 Fie that you'll say so！ He plays o' th' viol…de…gamboys； and
speaks three or four languages word for word without book； and hath all
the good gifts of nature。 MARIA。 He hath indeed； almost natural； for；
besides that he's a fool； he's a great quarreller； and but that he hath the gift
of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling； 'tis thought among the
prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave。 SIR TOBY。 By this
hand； they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him。 Who are they？
MARIA。 They that add； moreover； he's drunk nightly in your company。
SIR TOBY。 With drinking healths to my niece； I'll drink to her as long as
there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria。 He's a coward and a
coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o' th' toe like a
parish…top。 What； wench！ Castiliano vulgo！ for here comes Sir Andrew
Agueface。
Enter SIR ANDREW AGUECHEEK
AGUECHEEK。 Sir Toby Belch！ How now； Sir Toby Belch！ SIR
TOBY。 Sweet Sir Andrew！ AGUECHEEK。 Bless you； fair shrew。 MARIA。
And you too； sir。 SIR TOBY。 Accost； Sir Andrew； accost。 AGUECHEEK。
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What's that？ SIR TOBY。 My niece's chambermaid。 AGUECHEEK。 Good
Mistress Accost； I desire better acquaintance。 MARIA。 My name is Mary；
sir。 AGUECHEEK。 Good Mistress Mary Accost… SIR Toby。 You mistake；
knight。 'Accost' is front her； board her； woo her； assail her。 AGUECHEEK。
By my troth； I would not undertake her in this company。 Is that the
meaning of 'accost'？ MARIA。 Fare you well； gentlemen。 SIR TOBY。 An
thou let part so； Sir Andrew； would thou mightst never draw sword again！
AGUECHEEK。 An you part so； mistress； I would I might never draw
sword again。 Fair lady； do you think you have fools in hand？ MARIA。 Sir；
I have not you by th' hand。 AGUECHEEK。 Marry； but you shall have； and
here's my hand。 MARIA。 Now； sir； thought is free。 I pray you； bring your
hand to th' buttry…bar and let it drink。 AGUECHEEK。 Wherefore；
sweetheart？ What's your metaphor？ MARIA。 It's dry； sir。 AGUECHEEK。
Why； I think so； I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry。 But
what's your jest？ MARIA。 A dry jest； sir。 AGUECHEEK。 Are you full of
them？ MARIA。 Ay； sir； I have them at my fingers' ends； marry； now I let
go your hand； I am barren。 Exit MARIA SIR TOBY。 O knight； thou lack'st
a cup of canary！ When did I see thee so put down？ AGUECHEEK。 Never
in your life； I think； unless you see canary put me down。 Methinks
sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has； but
I am great eater of beef； and I believe that does harm to my wit。 SIR
TOBY。 No question。 AGUECHEEK。 An I thought that； I'd forswear it。 I'll
ride home to…morrow； Sir Toby。 SIR TOBY。 Pourquoi； my dear knight？
AGUECHEEK。 What is 'pourquoi'… do or not do？ I would I had bestowed
that time in the tongues that I have in fencing； dancing； and bear…baiting。
Oh； had I but followed the arts！ SIR TOBY。 Then hadst thou had an
excellent head of hair。 AGUECHEEK。 Why； would that have mended my
hair？ SIR TOBY。 Past question； for thou seest it will not curl by nature。
AGUECHEEK。 But it becomes me well enough； does't not？ SIR TOBY。
Excellent； it hangs like flax on a distaff； and I hope to see a huswife take
thee between her legs and spin it off。 AGUECHEEK。 Faith； I'll home to…
morrow； Sir Toby。 Your niece will not be seen； or if she be； it's four to one
she'll none of me； the Count himself here hard by woos her。 SIR TOBY。
She'll none o' th' Count； she'll not match above her degree； neither in estate；
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years； nor wit； I have heard her swear't。 Tut； there's life in't； man。
AGUECHEEK。 I'll stay a month longer。 I am a fellow o' th' strangest mind
i' th' world； I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether。 SIR
TOBY。 Art thou good at these kickshawses； knight？ AGUECHEEK。 As
any man in Illyria； whatsoever he be； under the degree of my betters； and
yet I will not compare with an old man。 SIR TOBY。 What is thy excellence
in a galliard； knight？ AGUECHEEK。 Faith； I can cut a caper。 SIR TOBY。
And I can cut the mutton to't。 AGUECHEEK。 And I think I have the back…
trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria。 SIR TOBY。 Wherefore are
these things hid？ Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before 'em？ Are they
like to take dust； like Mistress Mall's picture？ Why dost thou not go to
church in a galliard and come home in a coranto？ My very walk should be
a jig； I would not so much as make water but in a sink…a…pace。 What dost
thou mean？ Is it a world to hide virtues in？ I did think； by the excellent
constitution of thy leg； it was form'd under the star of a galliard。
AGUECHEEK。 Ay； 'tis strong； and it does indifferent well in flame…
colour'd stock。 Shall we set about some revels？ SIR TOBY。 What shall we
do else？ Were we not born under Taurus？ AGUECHEEK。 Taurus？ That's
sides and heart。 SIR TOBY。 No； sir； it is legs and thighs。 Let me see the
caper。 Ha； higher！ Ha； ha； excellent！ Exeunt
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TWELFTH NIGHT； OR； WHAT YOU WILL
SCENE IV。 The DUKE'S palace