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the lily of the valley-第37章

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〃Dear little one!〃 said the countess; kissing Jacques passionately。



When I was alone at Tours after dinner a wild; inexplicable desire

known only to young blood possessed me。 I hired a horse and rode from

Tours to Pont…de…Ruan in an hour and a quarter。 There; ashamed of my

folly; I dismounted; and went on foot along the road; stepping

cautiously like a spy till I reached the terrace。 The countess was not

there; and I imagined her ill; I had kept the key of the little gate;

by which I now entered; she was coming down the steps of the portico

with the two children to breathe in sadly and slowly the tender

melancholy of the landscape; bathed at that moment in the setting sun。



〃Mother; here is Felix;〃 said Madeleine。



〃Yes;〃 I whispered; 〃it is I。 I asked myself why I should stay at

Tours while I still could see you; why not indulge a desire that in a

few days more I could not gratify。〃



〃He won't leave us again; mother;〃 cried Jacques; jumping round me。



〃Hush!〃 said Madeleine; 〃if you make such a noise the general will

come。〃



〃It is not right;〃 she said。 〃What folly!〃



The tears in her voice were the payment of what must be called a

usurious speculation of love。



〃I had forgotten to return this key;〃 I said smiling。



〃Then you will never return;〃 she said。



〃Can we ever be really parted?〃 I asked; with a look which made her

drop her eyelids for all answer。



I left her after a few moments passed in that happy stupor of the

spirit where exaltation ends and ecstasy begins。 I went with lagging

step; looking back at every minute。 When; from the summit of the hill;

I saw the valley for the last time I was struck with the contrast it

presented to what it was when I first came there。 Then it was verdant;

then it glowed; glowed and blossomed like my hopes and my desires。

Initiated now into the gloomy secrets of a family; sharing the anguish

of a Christian Niobe; sad with her sadness; my soul darkened; I saw

the valley in the tone of my own thoughts。 The fields were bare; the

leaves of the poplars falling; the few that remained were rusty; the

vine…stalks were burned; the tops of the trees were tan…colored; like

the robes in which royalty once clothed itself as if to hide the

purple of its power beneath the brown of grief。 Still in harmony with

my thoughts; the valley; where the yellow rays of the setting sun were

coldly dying; seemed to me a living image of my heart。



To leave a beloved woman is terrible or natural; according as the mind

takes it。 For my part; I found myself suddenly in a strange land of

which I knew not the language。 I was unable to lay hold of things to

which my soul no longer felt attachment。 Then it was that the height

and the breadth of my love came before me; my Henriette rose in all

her majesty in this desert where I existed only through thoughts of

her。 That form so worshipped made me vow to keep myself spotless

before my soul's divinity; to wear ideally the white robe of the

Levite; like Petrarch; who never entered Laura's presence unless

clothed in white。 With what impatience I awaited the first night of my

return to my father's roof; when I could read the letter which I felt

of during the journey as a miser fingers the bank…bills he carries

about him。 During the night I kissed the paper on which my Henriette

had manifested her will; I sought to gather the mysterious emanations

of her hand; to recover the intonations of her voice in the hush of my

being。 Since then I have never read her letters except as I read that

first letter; in bed; amid total silence。 I cannot understand how the

letters of our beloved can be read in any other way; yet there are

men; unworthy to be loved; who read such letters in the turmoil of the

day; laying them aside and taking them up again with odious composure。



Here; Natalie; is the voice which echoed through the silence of that

night。 Behold the noble figure which stood before me and pointed to

the right path among the cross…ways at which I stood。



  To Monsieur le Vicomte Felix de Vandenesse:



  What happiness for me; dear friend; to gather the scattered

  elements of my experience that I may arm you against the dangers

  of the world; through which I pray that you pass scatheless。 I

  have felt the highest pleasures of maternal love as night after

  night I have thought of these things。 While writing this letter;

  sentence by sentence; projecting my thoughts into the life you are

  about to lead; I went often to my window。 Looking at the towers of

  Frapesle; visible in the moonlight; I said to myself; 〃He sleeps;

  I wake for him。〃 Delightful feelings! which recall the happiest of

  my life; when I watched Jacques sleeping in his cradle and waited

  till he wakened; to feed him with my milk。 You are the man…child

  whose soul must now be strengthened by precepts never taught in

  schools; but which we women have the privilege of inculcating。

  These precepts will influence your success; they prepare the way

  for it; they will secure it。 Am I not exercising a spiritual

  motherhood in giving you a standard by which to judge the actions

  of your life; a motherhood comprehended; is it not; by the child?

  Dear Felix; let me; even though I may make a few mistakes; let me

  give to our friendship a proof of the disinterestedness which

  sanctifies it。



  In yielding you to the world I am renouncing you; but I love you

  too well not to sacrifice my happiness to your welfare。 For the

  last four months you have made me reflect deeply on the laws and

  customs which regulate our epoch。 The conversations I have had

  with my aunt; well…known to you who have replaced her; the events

  of Monsieur de Mortsauf's life; which he has told me; the tales

  related by my father; to whom society and the court are familiar

  in their greatest as well as in their smallest aspects; all these

  have risen in my memory for the benefit of my adopted child at the

  moment when he is about to be launched; well…nigh alone; among

  men; about to act without adviser in a world where many are

  wrecked by their own best qualities thoughtlessly displayed; while

  others succeed through a judicious use of their worst。



  I ask you to ponder this statement of my opinion of society as a

  whole; it is concise; for to you a few words are sufficient。



  I do not know whether societies are of divine origin or whether

  they were invented by man。 I am equally ignorant of the direction

  in which they tend。 What I do know certainly is the fact of their

  existence。 No sooner therefore do you enter society; instead of

  living a life apart; than you are bound to consider its conditions

  binding; a contract is signed between you。 Does society in these

  days gain more from a man than it returns to him? I think so; but

  as to whether the individual man finds more cost than profit; or

  buys too dear the advantages he obtains; concerns the legis
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