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distribution of the prizes； and my comrades departed joyfully the next
day； while I； whose father and mother were only a few miles distant；
remained at the school with the 〃outremers；〃a name given to scholars
whose families were in the colonies or in foreign countries。
You will notice throughout how my unhappiness increased in proportion
as the social spheres on which I entered widened。 God knows what
efforts I made to weaken the decree which condemned me to live within
myself！ What hopes； long cherished with eagerness of soul； were doomed
to perish in a day！ To persuade my parents to come and see me； I wrote
them letters full of feeling； too emphatically worded； it may be； but
surely such letters ought not to have drawn upon me my mother's
reprimand； coupled with ironical reproaches for my style。 Not
discouraged even then； I implored the help of my sisters； to whom I
always wrote on their birthdays and fete…days with the persistence of
a neglected child； but it was all in vain。 As the day for the
distribution of prizes approached I redoubled my entreaties； and told
of my expected triumphs。 Misled by my parents' silence； I expected
them with a beating heart。 I told my schoolfellows they were coming；
and then； when the old porter's step sounded in the corridors as he
called my happy comrades one by one to receive their friends； I was
sick with expectation。 Never did that old man call my name！
One day； when I accused myself to my confessor of having cursed my
life； he pointed to the skies； where grew； he said； the promised palm
for the 〃Beati qui lugent〃 of the Saviour。 From the period of my first
communion I flung myself into the mysterious depths of prayer；
attracted to religious ideas whose moral fairyland so fascinates young
spirits。 Burning with ardent faith； I prayed to God to renew in my
behalf the miracles I had read of in martyrology。 At five years of age
I fled to my star； at twelve I took refuge in the sanctuary。 My
ecstasy brought dreams unspeakable； which fed my imagination； fostered
my susceptibilities； and strengthened my thinking powers。 I have often
attributed those sublime visions to the guardian angel charged with
moulding my spirit to its divine destiny； they endowed my soul with
the faculty of seeing the inner soul of things； they prepared my heart
for the magic craft which makes a man a poet when the fatal power is
his to compare what he feels within him with reality；the great
things aimed for with the small things gained。 Those visions wrote
upon my brain a book in which I read that which I must voice； they
laid upon my lips the coal of utterance。
My father having conceived some doubts as to the tendency of the
Oratorian teachings； took me from Pont…le…Voy； and sent me to Paris to
an institution in the Marais。 I was then fifteen。 When examined as to
my capacity； I； who was in the rhetoric class at Pont…le…Voy； was
pronounced worthy of the third class。 The sufferings I had endured in
my family and in school were continued under another form during my
stay at the Lepitre Academy。 My father gave me no money； I was to be
fed； clothed； and stuffed with Latin and Greek； for a sum agreed on。
During my school life I came in contact with over a thousand comrades；
but I never met with such an instance of neglect and indifference as
mine。 Monsieur Lepitre； who was fanatically attached to the Bourbons；
had had relations with my father at the time when all devoted
royalists were endeavoring to bring about the escape of Marie
Antoinette from the Temple。 They had lately renewed acquaintance； and
Monsieur Lepitre thought himself obliged to repair my father's
oversight； and to give me a small sum monthly。 But not being
authorized to do so； the amount was small indeed。
The Lepitre establishment was in the old Joyeuse mansion where； as in
all seignorial houses； there was a porter's lodge。 During a recess；
which preceded the hour when the man…of…all…work took us to the
Charlemagne Lyceum； the well…to…do pupils used to breakfast with the
porter； named Doisy。 Monsieur Lepitre was either ignorant of the fact
or he connived at this arrangement with Doisy； a regular smuggler whom
it was the pupils' interest to protect；he being the secret guardian
of their pranks； the safe confidant of their late returns and their
intermediary for obtaining forbidden books。 Breakfast on a cup of
〃cafe…au…lait〃 is an aristocratic habit； explained by the high prices
to which colonial products rose under Napoleon。 If the use of sugar
and coffee was a luxury to our parents； with us it was the sign of
self…conscious superiority。 Doisy gave credit； for he reckoned on the
sisters and aunts of the pupils； who made it a point of honor to pay
their debts。 I resisted the blandishments of his place for a long
time。 If my judges knew the strength of its seduction； the heroic
efforts I made after stoicism； the repressed desires of my long
resistance； they would pardon my final overthrow。 But； child as I was；
could I have the grandeur of soul that scorns the scorn of others？
Moreover； I may have felt the promptings of several social vices whose
power was increased by my longings。
About the end of the second year my father and mother came to Paris。
My brother had written me the day of their arrival。 He lived in Paris；
but had never been to see me。 My sisters； he said； were of the party；
we were all to see Paris together。 The first day we were to dine in
the Palais…Royal； so as to be near the Theatre…Francais。 In spite of
the intoxication such a programme of unhoped…for delights excited； my
joy was dampened by the wind of a coming storm； which those who are
used to unhappiness apprehend instinctively。 I was forced to own a
debt of a hundred francs to the Sieur Doisy； who threatened to ask my
parents himself for the money。 I bethought me of making my brother the
emissary of Doisy； the mouth…piece of my repentance and the mediator
of pardon。 My father inclined to forgiveness； but my mother was
pitiless； her dark blue eye froze me； she fulminated cruel prophecies：
〃What should I be later if at seventeen years of age I committed such
follies？ Was I really a son of hers？ Did I mean to ruin my family？ Did
I think myself the only child of the house？ My brother Charles's
career； already begun； required large outlay； amply deserved by his
conduct which did honor to the family； while mine would always
disgrace it。 Did I know nothing of the value of money； and what I cost
them？ Of what use were coffee and sugar to my education？ Such conduct
was the first step into all the vices。〃
After enduring the shock of this torrent which rasped my soul； I was
sent back to school in charge of my brother。 I lost the dinner at the
Freres Provencaux； and was deprived of seeing Talma in Britannicus。
Such was my first interview with my mother after a separation of
twelve years。
When I had finished school my father left me under the guardianship of
Monsieur Lepit