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She left him； not without a secret desire to find Lollius again in
another； as she no longer found him in himself。 She thought it would
be less dull to live with someone she had never loved； than with one
she had ceased to love。 She appeared； in the company of rich
debauchees； at those sacred feasts at which naked virgins danced in
the temples； and troops of courtesans swam across the Orontes。 She
took part in all the pleasures of the fashionable and depraved city；
and she assiduously frequented the theatres； at which clever mimes
from all countries performed amidst the applause of a crowd greedy for
excitement。
She carefully observed the mimes； dancers； comedians； and especially
the women； who in tragedies represented goddesses in love with young
men； or mortals loved by the gods。 Having discovered the secrets by
which they pleased the audience； she thought to herself that she was
more beautiful and could act better。 She went to the manager； and
asked to be admitted into the troupe。 Thanks to her beauty； and to the
lessons she had received from old Moeroe； she was received； and
appeared on the stage in the part of Dirce。
She met with but indifferent success； for she was inexperienced； and
the admiration of the spectators had not been aroused by hearing her
praises sung。 But after she had played small parts for a few months；
the power of her beauty burst forth with such effect that all the city
was moved。 All Antioch crowded to the theatre。 The imperial
magistrates and the chief citizens were compelled； by the force of
public opinion； to show themselves there。 The porters； sweepers； and
dock labourers went without bread and garlic； that they might pay for
their places。 Poets composed epigrams in her honour。 Bearded
philosophers inveighed against her in the baths and gymnasia； when her
litter passed； Christian priests turned away their heads。 The
threshold of her door was wreathed with flowers； and sprinkled with
blood。 She received so much money from her lovers that it was no
longer counted； but measured by the medimnus； and all the treasure
hoarded by miserly old men was poured out at her feet。 But she was
placid and unmoved。 She rejoiced； with quiet pride； in the admiration
of the public and the favour of the gods； and was so much loved that
she loved herself。
After she had several years enjoyed the admiration and affection of
the Antiochians； she was taken with a desire to revisit Alexandria；
and show her glory in that city in which； as a child； she had wandered
in want and shame； hungry and lean as a grasshopper in the middle of a
dusty road。 The golden city joyfully welcomed her； and loaded her with
fresh riches； when she appeared in the games it was a triumph。
Countless admirers and lovers came to her。 She received them with
indifference； for she at last despaired of meeting another Lollius。
Amongst many others； she met the philosopher Nicias； who desired to
possess her； although he professed to have no desires。 In spite of his
riches； he was intelligent and modest。 But his delicate wit and
beautiful sentiments failed to charm her。 She did not love him and
sometimes his refined irony even irritated her。 His perpetual doubts
hurt her； for he believed in nothing； and she believed in everything。
She believed in divine providence； in the omnipotence of evil spirits；
in spells； exorcisms； and eternal justice； she believed in Jesus
Christ； and in the goddess of good of the Syrians； she believed also
that bitches barked when black Hecate passed through the streets； and
that a woman could inspire love by pouring a philtre into a cup
wrapped in the bleeding skin of a sheep。 She thirsted for the unknown；
she called on nameless gods； and lived in perpetual expectation。 The
future frightened her； and yet she wished to know it。 She surrounded
herself with priests of Isis； Chaldean magi； pharmacopolists； and
professors of the black arts； who invariably deceived her； though she
never tired of being deceived。 She feared death； and she saw it
everywhere。 When she yielded to pleasure； it seemed to her that an icy
finger would suddenly touch her on the bare shoulder； and she turned
pale； and cried with terror； in the arms which embraced her。
Nicias said to her
〃What does it matter； O my Thais； whether we descend to eternal night
with white locks and hollow cheeks； or； whether this very day； now
laughing to the vast sky； shall be our last？ Let us enjoy life； we
shall have greatly lived if we have greatly loved。 There is no
knowledge except that of the senses； to love is to understand。 That
which we do not know does not exist。 What good is it to worry
ourselves about nothing？〃
She replied angrily
〃I despise men like you； who hope for nothing and fear nothing。 I wish
to know！ I wish to know！〃
In order to understand the secret of life； she set to work to read the
books of the philosophers； but she did not understand them。 The
further the years of her childhood receded from her； the more anxious
she was to recall them。 She loved to traverse at night； in disguise；
the alleys； squares； and places where she had grown up so miserably。
She was sorry she had lost her parents； and especially that she had
not been able to love them。 When she met any Christian priest； she
thought of her baptism； and felt troubled。 One night； when enveloped
in a long cloak； and her fair hair hidden under a black hood； she was
wandering； according to custom； about the suburbs of the city； she
found herselfwithout knowing how she came therebefore the poor
little church of St。 John the Baptist。 They were singing inside the
church； and a bright light glimmered through the chinks of the door。
There was nothing strange in that； as； for the past twenty years； the
Christians； protected by the conqueror of Maxentius； had publicly
solemnised their festivals。 But these hymns seemed more like an ardent
appeal to the soul。 As if she had been invited to the mysteries； she
pushed the door open with her arm； and entered the building。 She found
a numerous assembly of women； children； and old men； on their knees
before a tomb； which stood against the wall。 The tomb was nothing but
a stone coffer； roughly sculptured with vine tendrils and bunches of
grapes； yet it had received great honours； and was covered with green
palms and wreaths of red roses。 All round； innumerable lights gleamed
out of the heavy shadow； in which the smoke of Arabian gums seemed
like the folds of angels' robes； and the paintings on the walls
visions of Paradise。 Priests； clad in white； were prostrate at the
foot of the sarcophagus。 The hymns they sang with the people expressed
the delight of suffering； and mingled； in a triumphal mourning； so
much joy with so much grief； that Thais； in listening to them； felt
the pleasures of life and the terrors of death flowing； at the same
time； through her re…awakened senses。
When they had finished singing； the believers rose； and walked in
single file to the tomb； the side of which they kissed。 They were
common men； accustomed to work with their hands。 They advanced with a
heavy step； the eyes fixed； the jaw dropped； but they had an air of
sincerity。 T