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pondering； 〃perhaps after all I am a man and not a louse and I've been
in too great a hurry to condemn myself。 I'll make another fight for
it。〃
A haughty smile appeared on his lips。
〃What a burden to bear！ And your whole life； your whole life！〃
〃I shall get used to it；〃 he said grimly and thoughtfully。 〃Listen；〃
he began a minute later； 〃stop crying； it's time to talk of the facts：
I've come to tell you that the police are after me； on my track。。。。〃
〃Ach！〃 Sonia cried in terror。
〃Well； why do you cry out？ You want me to go to Siberia and now
you are frightened？ But let me tell you： I shall not give myself up。 I
shall make a struggle for it and they won't do anything to me。 They've
no real evidence。 Yesterday I was in great danger and believed I was
lost； but to…day things are going better。 All the facts they know
can be explained two ways； that's to say I can turn their
accusations to my credit； do you understand？ And I shall； for I've
learnt my lesson。 But they will certainly arrest me。 If it had not
been for something that happened； they would have done so to…day for
certain； perhaps even now they will arrest me to…day。。。。 But that's no
matter； Sonia； they'll let me out again。。。 for there isn't any real
proof against me； and there won't be； I give you my word for it。 And
they can't convict a man on what they have against me。 Enough。。。。 I
only tell you that you may know。。。。 I will try to manage somehow to
put it to my mother and sister so that they won't be frightened。。。。 My
sister's future is secure； however； now； I believe。。。 and my
mother's must be too。。。。 Well； that's all。 Be careful； though。 Will
you come and see me in prison when I am there？〃
〃Oh； I will； I will。〃
They sat side by side； both mournful and dejected； as though they
had been cast up by the tempest alone on some deserted shore。 He
looked at Sonia and felt how great was her love for him； and strange
to say he felt it suddenly burdensome and painful to be so loved。 Yes；
it was a strange and awful sensation！ On his way to see Sonia he had
felt that all his hopes rested on her； he expected to be rid of at
least part of his suffering； and now； when all her heart turned
towards him； he suddenly felt that he was immeasurably unhappier
than before。
〃Sonia；〃 he said； 〃you'd better not come and see me when I am in
prison。〃
Sonia did not answer； she was crying。 Several minutes passed。
〃Have you a cross on you？〃 she asked； as though suddenly thinking of
it。
He did not at first understand the question。
〃No； of course not。 Here； take this one； of cypress wood。 I have
another； a copper one that belonged to Lizaveta。 I changed with
Lizaveta： she gave me her cross and I gave her my little ikon。 I
will wear Lizaveta's now and give you this。 Take it。。。 it's mine！ It's
mine； you know；〃 she begged him。 〃We will go to suffer together； and
together we will bear our cross！〃
〃Give it me；〃 said Raskolnikov。
He did not want to hurt her feelings。 But immediately he drew back
the hand he held out for the cross。
〃Not now； Sonia。 Better later；〃 he added to comfort her。
〃Yes； yes； better；〃 she repeated with conviction； 〃when you go to
meet your suffering； then put it on。 You will come to me； I'll put
it on you； we will pray and go together。〃
At that moment some one knocked three times at the door。
〃Sofya Semyonovna； may I come in？〃 they heard in a very familiar and
polite voice。
Sonia rushed to the door in a fright。 The flaxen head of Mr。
Lebeziatnikov appeared at the door。
Chapter Five
LEBEZIATNIKOV looked perturbed。
〃I've come to you； Sofya Semyonovna；〃 he began。 〃Excuse me。。。 I
thought I should find you；〃 he said； addressing Raskolnikov
suddenly； 〃that is； I didn't mean anything。。。 of that sort。。。 But I
just thought。。。 Katerina Ivanovna has gone out of her mind；〃 he
blurted out suddenly； turning from Raskolnikov to Sonia。
Sonia screamed。
〃At least it seems so。 But。。。 we don't know what to do； you see！ She
came back… she seems to have been turned out somewhere； perhaps
beaten。。。。 So it seems at least；。。。 She had run to your father's
former chief； she didn't find him at home： he was dining at some other
general's。。。。 Only fancy； she rushed off there； to the other
general's； and； imagine； she was so persistent that she managed to get
the chief to see her； had him fetched out from dinner； it seems。 You
can imagine what happened。 She was turned out； of course； but；
according to her own story； she abused him and threw something at him。
One may well believe it。。。。 How it is she wasn't taken up； I can't
understand！ Now she is telling every one； including Amalia Ivanovna；
but it's difficult to understand her； she is screaming and flinging
herself about。。。。 Oh yes； she shouts that since every one has
abandoned her； she will take the children and go into the street
with a barrel…organ； and the children will sing and dance； and she
too； and collect money； and will go every day under the general's
window。。。 'to let every one see well…born children； whose father was
an official； begging in the street。' She keeps beating the children
and they are all crying。 She is teaching Lida to sing 'My Village；'
the boy to dance； Polenka the same。 She is tearing up all the clothes；
and making them little caps like actors； she means to carry a tin
basin and make it tinkle； instead of music。。。。 She won't listen to
anything。。。