按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
from God and God has smitten you； has given you over to the devil！〃
〃Then Sonia； when I used to lie there in the dark and all this
became clear to me； was it a temptation of the devil； eh？〃
〃Hush； don't laugh； blasphemer！ You don't understand； you don't
understand！ Oh God！ He won't understand！〃
〃Hush； Sonia！ I am not laughing。 I know myself that it was the devil
leading me。 Hush； Sonia； hush！〃 he repeated with gloomy insistence。 〃I
know it all； I have thought it all over and over and whispered it
all over to myself； lying there in the dark。。。。 I've argued it all
over with myself； every point of it； and I know it all； all！ And how
sick； how sick I was then of going over it all！ I have kept wanting to
forget it and make a new beginning； Sonia； and leave off thinking。 And
you don't suppose that I went into it headlong like a fool？ I went
into it like a wise man； and that was just my destruction。 And you
mustn't suppose that I didn't know； for instance； that if I began to
question myself whether I had the right to gain power… I certainly
hadn't the right… or that if I asked myself whether a human being is a
louse it proved that it wasn't so for me； though it might be for a man
who would go straight to his goal without asking questions。。。。 If I
worried myself all those days； wondering whether Napoleon would have
done it or not； I felt clearly of course that I wasn't Napoleon。 I had
to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas； Sonia； and I longed
to throw it off： I wanted to murder without casuistry； to murder for
my own sake； for myself alone！ I didn't want to lie about it even to
myself。 It wasn't to help my mother I did the murder… that's nonsense…
I didn't do the murder to gain wealth and power and to become a
benefactor of mankind。 Nonsense！ I simply did it； I did the murder for
myself； for myself alone； and whether I became a benefactor to others；
or spent my life like a spider catching men in my web and sucking
the life out of men； I couldn't have cared at that moment。。。。 And it
was not the money I wanted； Sonia； when I did it。 It was not so much
the money I wanted； but something else。。。。 I know it all now。。。。
Understand me！ Perhaps I should never have committed a murder again。 I
wanted to find out something else； it was something else led me on。
I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like
everybody else or a man。 Whether I can step over barriers or not；
whether I dare stoop to pick up or not； whether I am a trembling
creature or whether I have the right。。。〃
〃To kill？ Have the right to kill？〃 Sonia clasped her hands。
〃Ach； Sonia！〃 he cried irritably and seemed about to make some
retort； but was contemptuously silent。 〃Don't interrupt me； Sonia。 I
want to prove one thing only； that the devil led me on then and he has
shown me since that I had not the right to take that path； because I
am just such a louse as all the rest。 He was mocking me and here
I've come to you now！ Welcome your guest！ If I were not a louse；
should I have come to you？ Listen： when I went then to the old woman's
I only went to try。。。。 You may be sure of that！〃
〃And you murdered her！〃
〃But how did I murder her？ Is that how men do murders？ Do men go
to commit a murder as I went then？ I will tell you some day how I
went！ Did I murder the old woman？ I murdered myself； not her！ I
crushed myself once for all； for ever。。。。 But it was the devil that
killed that old woman； not I。 Enough； enough； Sonia； enough！ Let me
be！〃 he cried in a sudden spasm of agony； 〃let me be！〃
He leaned his elbows on his knees and squeezed his head in his hands
as in a vise。
〃What suffering！〃 A wail of anguish broke from Sonia。
〃Well； what am I to do now？〃 he asked； suddenly raising his head and
looking at her with a face hideously distorted by despair。
〃What are you to do？〃 she cried； jumping up； and her eyes that had
been full of tears suddenly began to shine。 〃Stand up！〃 （She seized
him by the shoulder； he got up； looking at her almost bewildered。） 〃Go
at once； this very minute； stand at the cross…roads； bow down； first
kiss the earth which you have defiled and then bow down to all the
world and say to all men aloud； 'I am a murderer！' Then God will
send you life again。 Will you go； will you go？〃 she asked him；
trembling all over； snatching his two hands； squeezing them tight in
hers and gazing at him with eyes full of fire。
He was amazed at her sudden ecstasy。
〃You mean Siberia； Sonia？ I must give myself up？〃 he asked gloomily。
〃Suffer and expiate your sin by it； that's what you must do。〃
〃No！ I am not going to them； Sonia！〃
〃But how will you go on living？ What will you live for？〃 cried
Sonia； 〃how is it possible now？ Why； how can you talk to your
mother？ （Oh； what will become of them now！） But what am I saying？
You have abandoned your mother and your sister already。 He has
abandoned them already！ Oh； God！〃 she cried； 〃why； he knows it all
himself。 How； how can he live by himself！ What will become of you
now？〃
〃Don't be a child； Sonia；〃 he said softly。 〃What wrong have I done
them？ Why should I go to them？ What should I say to them？ That's
only a phantom。。。。 They destroy men by millions themselves and look on
it as a virtue。 They are knaves and scoundrels； Sonia！ I am not
going to them。 And what should I say to them… that I murdered her； but
did not dare to take the money and hid it under a stone？〃 he added
with a bitter smile。 〃Why； they would laugh at me； and would call me a
fool for not getting it。 A coward and a fool！ They wouldn't understand
and they don't deserve to understand。 Why should I go to them？ I
won't。 Don't be a child； Sonia。。。。〃
〃It will be too much for you to bear； too much！〃 she repeated；
holding out her hands in despairing supplication。
〃Perhaps I've been unfair to myself；〃 he observed gloomily；
pondering； 〃perhaps after all I am a man and not a louse and I've been
in too great a