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He travelled。 He came to Tunis。 He came to La Trappe。 He saw the peace
there。 He thought； 'Can I seize it？ Can it do something for me？' He
saw me。 He thought； 'I shall not be quite alone。 This monkhe has
lived always in peace； he has never known the torture of women。 Might
not intercourse with him help me？'
〃Such was his history； such was the history poured； with infinite
detail that I have not told you； day by day； into my ears。 It was the
history； you see； of a passion that was mainly physical。 I will not
say entirely。 I do not know whether any great passion can be entirely
physical。 But it was the history of the passion of one body for
another body； and he did not attempt to present it to me as anything
else。 This man made me understand the meaning of the body。 I had never
understood it before。 I had never suspected the immensity of the
meaning there is in physical things。 I had never comprehended the
flesh。 Now I comprehended it。 Loneliness rushed upon me； devoured me
loneliness of the body。 'God is a spirit and those that worship him
must worship him in spirit。' Now I felt that to worship in spirit was
not enough。 I even felt that it was scarcely anything。 Again I thought
of my life as the life of a skeleton in a world of skeletons。 Again
the chapel was as a valley of dry bones。 It was a ghastly sensation。 I
was plunged in the void。 III can't tell you my exact sensation；
but it was as if I was the loneliest creature in the whole of the
universe； and as if I need not have been lonely； as if I； in my
ignorance and fatuity； had selected loneliness thinking it was the
happiest fate。
〃And yet you will say I was face to face with this man's almost
frantic misery。 I was； and it made no difference。 I envied him； even
in his present state。 He wanted to gain consolation from me if that
were possible。 Oh； the irony of my consoling him！ In secret I laughed
at it bitterly。 When I strove to console him I knew that I was an
incarnate lie。 He had told me the meaning of the body and； by so
doing； had snatched from me the meaning of the spirit。 And then he
said to me； 'Make me feel the meaning of the spirit。 If I can grasp
that I may find comfort。' He called upon me to give him what I no
longer hadthe peace of God that passeth understanding。 Domini； can
you feel at all what that was to me？ Can you realise？ Can youis it
any wonder that I could do nothing for him； for him who had done such
a frightful thing for me？ Is it any wonder？ Soon he realised that he
would not find peace with me in the garden。 Yet he stayed on。 Why？ He
did not know where to go； what to do。 Life offered him nothing but
horror。 His love of experiences was dead。 His love of life had
completely vanished。 He saw the worldly life as a nightmare； yet he
had nothing to put in the place of it。 And in the monastery he was
ceaselessly tormented by jealousy。 Ceaselessly his mind was at work
about this woman； picturing her in her life of change； of intrigue； of
new lovers； of new hopes and aims in which he had no part； in which
his image was being blotted out； doubtless from her memory even。 He
suffered； he suffered as few suffer。 But I think I suffered more。 The
melancholy was driven on into a gnawing hunger； the gnawing hunger of
the flesh wishing to have lived； wishing to live； wishing toto know。
〃Domini； to you I can't say more of thatto you whom Iwhom I love
with spirit and flesh。 I will come to the end； to the incident which
made the body rise up； strike down the soul； trample out over it into
the world like a wolf that was starving。
〃One day the Reverend Pere gave me a special permission to walk with
our visitor beyond the monastery walls towards the sea。 Such
permission was an event in my life。 It excited me more than you can
imagine。 I found that the stranger had begged him to let me come。
〃'Our guest is very fond of you；' the Reverend Pere said to me。 'I
think if any human being can bring him to a calmer； happier state of
mind and spirit； you can。 You have obtained a good influence over
him。'
〃Domini； when the Reverend Pere spoke to me thus my mouth was suddenly
contracted in a smile。 Devil's smile； I think。 I put up my hand to my
face。 I saw the Reverend Pere looking at me with a dawning of
astonishment in his kind； grave eyes； and I controlled myself at once。
But I said nothing。 I could not say anything； and I went out from the
parlour quickly； hot with a sensation of shame。
〃'You are coming？' the stranger said。
〃'Yes；' I answered。
〃It was a fiery day of late June。 Africa was bathed in a glare of
light that hurt the eyes。 I went into my cell and put on a pair of
blue glasses and my wide straw hat； the hat in which I formerly used
to work in the fields。 When I came out my guest was standing on the
garden path。 He was swinging a stick in one hand。 The other hand；
which hung down by his side； was twitching nervously。 In the glitter
of the sun his face looked ghastly。 In his eyes there seemed to be
terrors watching without hope。
〃'You are ready？' he said。 'Let us go。'
〃We set off； walking quickly。
〃'Movementpacesometimes that does a little good；' he said。 'If one
can exhaust the body the mind sometimes lies almost still for a
moment。 If it would only lie still for ever。'
〃I said nothing。 I could say nothing。 For my fever was surely as his
fever。
〃'Where are we going？' he asked when we reached the little house of
the keeper of the gate by the cemetery。
〃'We cannot walk in the sun；' I answered。 'Let us go into the
eucalyptus woods。'
〃The first Trappists had planted forests of eucalyptus to keep off the
fever that sometimes comes in the African summer。 We made our way
along a tract of open land and came into a deep wood。 Here we began to
walk more slowly。 The wood was empty of men。 The hot silence was
profound。 He took off his white helmet and walked on； carrying it in
his hand。 Not till we were far in the forest did he speak。 Then he
said； 'Father； I cannot struggle on much longer。'
〃He spoke abruptly； in a hard voice。
〃'You must try to gain courage；' I said。
〃'From where？' he exclaimed。 'No； no； don't say from God。 If there is
a God He hates me。'
〃When he said that I felt as if my soul shuddered； hearing a frightful
truth spoken about itself。 My lips were dry。 My heart seemed to
shrivel up； but I made an effort and answered：
〃'God hates no being whom He has created。'
〃'How can you know？ Almost every man； perhaps every living man hates
someone。 Why not？'
〃'To compare God with a man is blasphemous；' I answered。
〃'Aren't we made in His image？ Father； it's as I saidI can't
struggle on much longer。 I shall have to end it。 I wish nowI often
wish that I had yielded to my first impulse and killed her。 What is
she doing now？ What is she doing nowat this moment？'
〃He stood still and beat with his stick on the ground。
〃'You don't know the infinite torture there is in knowing that； far
away； she is still living that cursed life； that she is free to
continue the acts of which her existence has been full。 Every moment I
am imaginingI am seeing'
〃He forced his stick deep into the ground。
〃'If I had killed her；' he said in