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did。 And yet he was immensely intelligent。 But he knew that I had
entered the monastery as a novice； that I had been there through all
my adult life。 And then my manner probably assisted him in his
illusion。 For I gaveI believeno sign of the change that was taking
place within me under his influence。 I seemed to be calm； detached；
even in my sympathy for his suffering。 For he suffered frightfully。
This woman he loved was a Parisian； he told me。 He described her
beauty to me； as if in order to excuse himself for having become the
slave to her he was。 I suppose she was very beautiful。 He said that
she had a physical charm so intense that few men could resist it； that
she was famous throughout Europe for it。 He told me that she was not a
good woman。 I gathered that she lived for pleasure； admiration； that
she had allowed many men to love her before he knew her。 But she had
loved him genuinely。 She was not a very young woman； and she was not a
married woman。 He said that she was a woman men loved but did not
marry； a woman who was loved by the husbands of married women； a woman
to marry whom would exclude a man from the society of good women。 She
had never lived； or thought of living； for one man till he came into
her life。 Nor had he ever dreamed of living for one woman。 He had
lived to gain experience； she too。 But when he met herknowing
thoroughly all she wasall other women ceased to exist for him。 He
became her slave。 Then jealousy awoke in him； jealousy of all the men
who had been in her life； who might be in her life again。 He was
tortured by loving such a womana woman who had belonged to many； who
would no doubt in the future belong to others。 For despite the fact
that she loved him he told me that at first he had no illusions about
her。 He knew the world too well for that； and he cursed the fate that
had bound him body and soul to what he called a courtesan。 Even the
fact that she loved him at first did not blind him to the effect upon
character that her life must inevitably have had。 She had dwelt in an
atmosphere of lies； he said； and to lie was nothing to her。 Any
original refinement of feeling as regards human relations that she
might have had had become dulled； if it had not been destroyed。 At
first he blindly； miserably； resigned himself to this。 He said to
himself； 'Fate has led me to love this sort of woman。 I must accept
her as she is； with all her defects； with her instinct for treachery；
with her passion for the admiration of the world； with her
incapability for being true to an ideal； or for isolating herself in
the adoration of one man。 I cannot get away from her。 She has me fast。
I cannot live without her。 Then I must bear the torture that jealousy
of her will certainly bring me in silence。 I must conceal it。 I must
try to kill it。 I must make the best of whatever she will give me；
knowing that she can never； with her nature and her training； be
exclusively mine as a good woman might be。' This he said to himself。
This plan of conduct he traced for himself。 But he soon found that he
was not strong enough to keep to it。 His jealousy was a devouring
fire； and he could not conceal it。 Domini； he described to me minutely
the effect of jealousy in a human heart。 I had never imagined what it
was； and； when he described it； I felt as if I looked down into a
bottomless pit lined with the flames of hell。 By the depth of that pit
I measured the depth of his passion for this woman； and I gained an
idea of what human lovenot the best sort of human love； but still
genuine； intense love of some kindcould be。 Of this human love I
thought at night； putting it in comparison with the love God's
creature can have for God。 And my sense of loneliness increased； and I
felt as if I had always been lonely。 Does this seem strange to you？ In
the love of God was calm； peace； rest； a lying down of the soul in the
Almighty arms。 In the other love described to me was restlessness；
agitation； torture； the soul spinning like an atom driven by winds；
the heart devoured as by a disease； a cancer。 On the one hand was a
beautiful trust； on the other a ceaseless agony of doubt and terror。
And yet I came to feel as if the one were unreal in comparison with
the other； as if in the one were a loneliness； in the other fierce
companionship。 I thought of the Almighty arms； Domini； and of the arms
of a woman； andDomini； I longed to have known； if only once； the
pressure of a woman's arms about my neck； about my breast； the touch
of a woman's hand upon my heart。
〃And of all this I never spoke at confession。 I committed the deadly
sin of keeping back at confession all that。〃 He stopped。 Then he said；
〃Till the end my confessions were incomplete； were false。
〃The stranger told me that as his love for this woman grew he found it
impossible to follow the plan he had traced for himself of shutting
his eyes to the sight of other eyes admiring； desiring her； of
shutting his ears to the voices that whispered； 'This it will always
be； for others as well as for you。' He found it impossible。 His
jealousy was too importunate； and he resolved to make any effort to
keep her for himself alone。 He knew she had love for him； but he knew
that love would not necessarily； or even probably； keep her entirely
faithful to him。 She thought too little of passing intrigues。 To her
they seemed trifles； meaningless； unimportant。 She told him so； when
he spoke his jealousy。 She said； 'I love you。 I do not love these
other men。 They are in my life for a moment only。'
〃'And that moment plunges me into hell！' he said。
〃He told her he could not bear it； that it was impossible； that she
must belong to him entirely and solely。 He asked her to marry him。 She
was surprised； touched。 She understood what a sacrifice such a
marriage would be to a man in his position。 He was a man of good
birth。 His request； his vehement insistence on it； made her understand
his love as she had not understood it before。 Yet she hesitated。 For
so long had she been accustomed to a life of freedom； of changing
/amours/； that she hesitated to put her neck under the yoke of
matrimony。 She understood thoroughly his character and his aim in
marrying her。 She knew that as his wife she must bid an eternal
farewell to the life she had known。 And it was a life that had become
a habit to her； a life that she was fond of。 For she was enormously
vain； and she was ashe was a very physical woman； subject to
physical caprices。 There are things that I pass over； Domini； which
would explain still more her hesitation。 He knew what caused it； and
again he was tortured。 But he persisted。 And at last he overcame。 She
consented to marry him。 They were engaged。 Domini； I need not tell you
much more； only this factwhich had driven him from France； destroyed
his happiness； brought him to the monastery。 Shortly before the
marriage was to take place he discovered that； while they were
engaged； she had yielded to the desires of an old admirer who had come
to bid her farewell and to wish her joy in her new life。 He was
tempted； he said； to kill her。 But he governed himself and left her。
He travelled。 He came to Tunis。 He came to La T