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turn my eyes from it。 But the woman never came again。 I said nothing
to the Reverend Pere of what I had done。 I ought to have spoken； but I
did not。 I kept it back when I confessed。 From that moment I had a
secret； and it was a secret connected with a woman。
〃Does it seem strange to you that this secret seemed to me to set me
apart from all the other monksnearer the world？ It was so。 I felt
sometimes as if I had been out into the world for a moment； had known
the meaning that women have for men。 I wondered who the woman was。 I
wondered how she had loved the young monk who was dead。 He used to sit
beside me in the chapel。 He had a pure and beautiful face； such a
face； I supposed； as a woman might well love。 Had this woman loved
him； and had he rejected her love for the life of the monastery？ I
remember one day thinking of this and wondering how it had been
possible for him to do so； and then suddenly realising the meaning of
my thought and turning hot with shame。 I had put the love of woman
above the love of God； woman's service above God's service。 That day I
was terrified of myself。 I went back to the monastery from the
cemetery； quickly； asked to see the Reverend Pere； and begged him to
remove me from the cemetery； to give me some other work。 He did not
ask my reason for wishing to change； but three days afterwards he sent
for me； and told me that I was to be placed in charge of the
/hotellerie/ of the monastery； and that my duties there were to begin
upon the morrow。
〃Domini； I wonder if I can make you realise what that change meant to
a man who had lived as I had for so many years。 The /hotellerie/ of
El…Largani is a long； low； one…storied building standing in a garden
full of palms and geraniums。 It contains a kitchen； a number of little
rooms like cells for visitors； and two large parlours in which guests
are entertained at meals。 In one they sit to eat the fruit； eggs； and
vegetables provided by the monastery； with wine。 If after the meal
they wish to take coffee they pass into the second parlour。 Visitors
who stay in the monastery are free to do much as they please； but they
must conform to certain rules。 They rise at a certain hour； feed at
fixed times； and are obliged to go to their bedrooms at half…past
seven in the evening in winter； and at eight in summer。 The monk in
charge of the /hotellerie/ has to see to their comfort。 He looks after
the kitchen； is always in the parlour at some moment or another during
meals。 He visits the bedrooms and takes care that the one servant
keeps everything spotlessly clean。 He shows people round the garden。
His duties； you see； are light and social。 He cannot go into the
world； but he can mix with the world that comes to him。 It is his
task； if not his pleasure； to be cheerful； talkative； sympathetic； a
good host； with a genial welcome for all who come to La Trappe。 After
my years of labour； solitude； silence； and prayer； I was abruptly put
into this new life。
〃Domini； to me it was like rushing out into the world。 I was almost
dazed by the change。 At first I was nervous； timid； awkward； and；
especially； tongue…tied。 The habit of silence had taken such a hold
upon me that I could not throw it off。 I dreaded the coming of
visitors。 I did not know how to receive them； what to say to them。
Fortunately； as I thought； the tourist season was over； the summer was
approaching。 Very few people came； and those only to eat a meal。 I
tried to be polite and pleasant to them； and gradually I began to fall
into the way of talking without the difficulty I had experienced at
first。 In the beginning I could not open my lips without feeling as if
I were almost committing a crime。 But presently I was more natural；
less taciturn。 I even； now and then； took some pleasure in speaking to
a pleasant visitor。 I grew to love the garden with its flowers； its
orange trees； its groves of eucalyptus； its vineyard which sloped
towards the cemetery。 Often I wandered in it alone； or sat under the
arcade that divided it from the large entrance court of the monastery；
meditating； listening to the bees humming； and watching the cats
basking in the sunshine。
〃Sometimes； when I was there； I thought of the woman's face above the
cemetery wall。 Sometimes I seemed to feel the hand tugging at mine。
But I was more at peace than I had been in the cemetery。 For from the
garden I could not see the distant world； and of the chance visitors
none had as yet set a match to the torch that； unknown to me； was
readyat the coming of the smallest sparkto burst into a flame。
〃One day； it was in the morning towards half…past ten； when I was
sitting reading my Greek Testament on a bench just inside the doorway
of the /hotellerie/； I heard the great door of the monastery being
opened； and then the rolling of carriage wheels in the courtyard。 Some
visitor had arrived from Tunis； perhaps some visitorsthree or four。
It was a radiant morning of late May。 The garden was brilliant with
flowers； golden with sunshine； tender with shade； and quietquiet and
peaceful； Domini！ There was a wonderful peace in the garden that day；
a peace that seemed full of safety； of enduring cheerfulness。 The
flowers looked as if they had hearts to understand it； and love it；
the roses along the yellow wall of the house that clambered to the
brown red tiles； the geraniums that grew in masses under the shining
leaves of the orange trees； theI felt as if that day I were in the
Garden of Eden； and I remember that when I heard the carriage wheels I
had a moment of selfish sadness。 I thought： 'Why does anyone come to
disturb my blessed peace； my blessed solitude？' Then I realised the
egoism of my thought and that I was there with my duty。 I got up； went
into the kitchen and said to Francois； the servant； that someone had
come and no doubt would stay to /dejeuner/。 And； as I spoke； already I
was thinking of the moment when I should hear the roll of wheels once
more； the clang of the shutting gate； and know that the intruders upon
the peace of the Trappists had gone back to the world； and that I
could once more be alone in the little Eden I loved。
〃Strangely； Domini； strangely； that day； of all the days of my life； I
was most in loveit was like that； like being in lovewith my monk's
existence。 The terrible feeling that had begun to ravage me had
completely died away。 I adored the peace in which my days were passed。
I looked at the flowers and compared my happiness with theirs。 They
blossomed； bloomed； faded； died in the garden。 So would I wish to
blossom； bloom； fadewhen my time camedie in the gardenalways in
peace； always in safety； always isolated from the terrors of life；
always under the tender watchful eye ofofDomini； that day I was
happy； as perhaps they areperhapsthe saints in Paradise。 I was
happy because I felt no inclination to evil。 I felt as if my joy lay
entirely in being innocent。 Oh； what an ecstasy such a feeling is！ 'My
will accord with Thy designI love to live as Thou intendest me to
live！ Any other way of life would be to me a terror； would bring to me
despair。'
〃And I felt thatintensely I felt it at that moment in heart and
soul。 It was as i