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admiration。 Then encouraged by BOUTS…RIMES I wrote you a copy of
verses； high time I think； I shall just save my tenth year of
knowing my lady…love without inditing poetry or rhymes to her。
'Then I rummaged over the box with my father's letters and found
interesting notes from myself。 One I should say my first letter；
which little Austin I should say would rejoice to see and shall see
… with a drawing of a cottage and a spirited 〃cob。〃 What was more
to the purpose； I found with it a paste…cutter which Mary begged
humbly for Christine and I generously gave this morning。
'Then I read some of Congreve。 There are admirable scenes in the
manner of Sheridan； all wit and no character； or rather one
character in a great variety of situations and scenes。 I could
show you some scenes； but others are too coarse even for my stomach
hardened by a course of French novels。
'All things look so happy for the rain。
'NOV。 16。 … Verbenas looking well。 。 。 。 I am but a poor creature
without you； I have naturally no spirit or fun or enterprise in me。
Only a kind of mechanical capacity for ascertaining whether two
really is half four； etc。； but when you are near me I can fancy
that I too shine； and vainly suppose it to be my proper light；
whereas by my extreme darkness when you are not by； it clearly can
only be by a reflected brilliance that I seem aught but dull。 Then
for the moral part of me： if it were not for you and little Odden；
I should feel by no means sure that I had any affection power in
me。 。 。 。 Even the muscular me suffers a sad deterioration in your
absence。 I don't get up when I ought to； I have snoozed in my
chair after dinner； I do not go in at the garden with my wonted
vigour； and feel ten times as tired as usual with a walk in your
absence； so you see； when you are not by； I am a person without
ability； affections or vigour； but droop dull； selfish； and
spiritless； can you wonder that I love you？
'NOV。 17。 … 。 。 。 I am very glad we married young。 I would not
have missed these five years； no； not for any hopes； they are my
own。
'NOV。 30。 … I got through my Chatham lecture very fairly though
almost all my apparatus went astray。 I dined at the mess； and got
home to Isleworth the same evening； your father very kindly sitting
up for me。
'DEC。 1。 … Back at dear Claygate。 Many cuttings flourish；
especially those which do honour to your hand。 Your Californian
annuals are up and about。 Badger is fat； the grass green。 。 。 。
'DEC。 3。 … Odden will not talk of you； while you are away； having
inherited； as I suspect； his father's way of declining to consider
a subject which is painful； as your absence is。 。 。 。 I certainly
should like to learn Greek and I think it would be a capital
pastime for the long winter evenings。 。 。 。 How things are
misrated！ I declare croquet is a noble occupation compared to the
pursuits of business men。 As for so…called idleness … that is； one
form of it … I vow it is the noblest aim of man。 When idle； one
can love； one can be good； feel kindly to all； devote oneself to
others； be thankful for existence； educate one's mind； one's heart；
one's body。 When busy； as I am busy now or have been busy to…day；
one feels just as you sometimes felt when you were too busy； owing
to want of servants。
'DEC。 5。 … On Sunday I was at Isleworth； chiefly engaged in playing
with Odden。 We had the most enchanting walk together through the
brickfields。 It was very muddy； and； as he remarked； not fit for
Nanna； but fit for us MEN。 The dreary waste of bared earth；
thatched sheds and standing water； was a paradise to him； and when
we walked up planks to deserted mixing and crushing mills； and
actually saw where the clay was stirred with long iron prongs； and
chalk or lime ground with 〃a tind of a mill；〃 his expression of
contentment and triumphant heroism knew no limit to its beauty。 Of
course on returning I found Mrs。 Austin looking out at the door in
an anxious manner； and thinking we had been out quite long enough。
。 。 。 I am reading Don Quixote chiefly and am his fervent admirer；
but I am so sorry he did not place his affections on a Dulcinea of
somewhat worthier stamp。 In fact I think there must be a mistake
about it。 Don Quixote might and would serve his lady in most
preposterous fashion； but I am sure he would have chosen a lady of
merit。 He imagined her to be such no doubt； and drew a charming
picture of her occupations by the banks of the river； but in his
other imaginations； there was some kind of peg on which to hang the
false costumes he created； windmills are big； and wave their arms
like giants； sheep in the distance are somewhat like an army； a
little boat on the river…side must look much the same whether
enchanted or belonging to millers； but except that Dulcinea is a
woman； she bears no resemblance at all to the damsel of his
imagination。'
At the time of these letters； the oldest son only was born to them。
In September of the next year； with the birth of the second；
Charles Frewen； there befell Fleeming a terrible alarm and what
proved to be a lifelong misfortune。 Mrs。 Jenkin was taken suddenly
and alarmingly ill； Fleeming ran a matter of two miles to fetch the
doctor； and； drenched with sweat as he was； returned with him at
once in an open gig。 On their arrival at the house； Mrs。 Jenkin
half unconsciously took and kept hold of her husband's hand。 By
the doctor's orders； windows and doors were set open to create a
thorough draught； and the patient was on no account to be
disturbed。 Thus； then； did Fleeming pass the whole of that night；
crouching on the floor in the draught； and not daring to move lest
he should wake the sleeper。 He had never been strong； energy had
stood him instead of vigour； and the result of that night's
exposure was flying rheumatism varied by settled sciatica。
Sometimes it quite disabled him； sometimes it was less acute； but
he was rarely free from it until his death。 I knew him for many
years； for more than ten we were closely intimate； I have lived
with him for weeks； and during all this time； he only once referred
to his infirmity and then perforce as an excuse for some trouble he
put me to； and so slightly worded that I paid no heed。 This is a
good measure of his courage under sufferings of which none but the
untried will think lightly。 And I think it worth noting how this
optimist was acquainted with pain。 It will seem strange only to
the superficial。 The disease of pessimism springs never from real
troubles； which it braces men to bear； which it delights men to
bear well。 Nor does it readily spring at all； in minds that have
conceived of life as a field of ordered duties； not as a chase in
which to hunt for gratifications。 'We are not here to be happy；
but to be good'； I wish he had mended the phrase： 'We