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My night…table was taken out; a camp…bed; mattress; and blankets were brought me; a jug of water set down; and beside it an ammunition loaf of six pounds' weight。 〃That you may no more complain of hunger;〃 said the town…major; 〃you shall have as much bread as you can eat。〃 The door was shut; and I again left to my thoughts。
What a strange thing is that called happiness! How shall I express my extreme joy when; after eleven months of intolerable hunger; I was again indulged with a full feast of coarse ammunition bread? The fond lover never rushed more eagerly to the arias of his expecting bride; the famished tiger more ravenously on his prey; than I upon this loaf。 I ate; rested; surveyed the precious morsel; ate again; and absolutely shed tears of pleasure。 Breaking bit after bit; I had by evening devoured all my loaf。
Oh; Nature! what delight hast thou combined with the gratification of thy wants! Remember this; ye who gorge; ye who rack invention to excite appetite; and yet which you cannot procure! Remember how simple are the means that will give a crust of mouldy bread a flavour more exquisite than all the spices of the East; or all the profusion of land or sea! Remember this; grow hungry; and indulge your sensuality。
Alas! my enjoyment was of short duration。 I soon found that excess is followed by pain and repentance。 My fasting had weakened digestion; and rendered it inactive。 My body swelled; my water…jug was emptied; cramps; colics; and at length inordinate thirst racked me all the night。 I began to pour curses on those who seemed to refine on torture; and; after starving me so long; to invite me to gluttony。 Could I not have reclined on my bed; I should indeed have been driven; this night; to desperation; yet even this was but a partial relief; for; not yet accustomed to my enormous fetters; I could not extend myself in the same manner I was afterwards taught to do by habit。 I dragged them; however; so together as to enable me to sit down on the bare mattress。 This; of all my nights of suffering; stands foremost。 When they opened my dungeon next day they found me in a truly pitiable situation; wondered at my appetite; brought me another loaf; I refused to accept it; believing I nevermore should have occasion for bread; they; however; left me one; gave me water; shrugged up their shoulders; wished me farewell; as; according to all appearance; they never expected to find me alive; and shut all the doors; without asking whether I wished or needed further assistance。
Three days had passed before I could again eat a morsel of bread; and my mind; brave in health; now in a sick body became pusillanimous; so that I determined on death。 The irons; everywhere round my body; and their weight; were insupportable; nor could I imagine it was possible I should habituate myself to them; or endure them long enough to expect deliverance。 Peace was a very distant prospect。 The King had commanded that such a prison should be built as should exclude all necessity of a sentinel; in order that I might not converse with and seduce them from what is called their duty: and; in the first days of despair; deliverance appeared impossible; and the fetters; the war; the pain I felt; the place; the length of time; each circumstance seemed equally impossible to support。 A thousand reasons convinced me it was necessary to end my sufferings。 I shall not enter into theological disputes: let those who blame me imagine themselves in my situation; or rather let them first actually endure my miseries; and then let them reason。 I had often braved death in prosperity; and at this moment it seemed a blessing。
Full of these meditations; every minute's patience appeared absurdity; and resolution meanness of soul; yet I wished my mind should be satisfied that reason; and not rashness; had induced the act。 I therefore determined; that I might examine the question coolly; to wait a week longer; and die on the fourth of July。 In the meantime I revolved in my mind what possible means there were of escape; not fearing; naked and chained; to rush and expire on the bayonets of my enemies。
The next day I observed; as the four doors were opened; that they were only of wood; therefore questioned whether I might not even cut off the locks with the knife that I had so fortunately concealed: and should this and every other means fail; then would be the time to die。 I likewise determined to make an attempt to free myself of my chains。 I happily forced my right hand through the handcuff; though the blood trickled from my nails。 My attempts on the left were long ineffectual; but by rubbing with a brick; which I got from my seat; on the rivet that had been negligently closed; I effected this also。
The chain was fastened to the run round my body by a hook; one end of which was not inserted in the rim; therefore; by setting my foot against the wall; I had strength enough so far to bend this hook back; and open it; as to force out the link of the chain。 The remaining difficulty was the chain that attached my foot to the wall: the links of this I took; doubled; twisted; and wrenched; till at length; nature having bestowed on me great strength; I made a desperate effort; sprang forcibly up; and two links at once flew off。
Fortunate; indeed; did I think myself: I hastened to the door; groped in the dark to find the clinkings of the nails by which the lock was fastened; and discovered no very large piece of wood need be cut。 Immediately I went to work with my knife; and cut through the oak door to find its thickness; which proved to be only one inch; therefore it was possible to open all the four doors in four… and…twenty hours。
Again hope revived in my heart。 To prevent detection I hastened to put on my chains; but; O God! what difficulties had I to surmount! After much groping about; I at length found the link that had flown off; this I hid: it being my good fortune hitherto to escape examination; as the possibility of ridding myself of such chains was in nowise suspected。 The separated iron links I tied together with my hair ribbon; but when I again endeavoured to force my hand into the ring; it was so swelled that every effort was fruitless。 The whole might was employed upon the rivet; but all labour was in vain。
Noon was the hour of visitation; and necessity and danger again obliged me to attempt forcing my hand in; which at length; after excruciating torture; I effected。 My visitors came; and everything had the appearance of order。 I found it; however; impossible to force out my right hand while it continued swelled。
I therefore remained quiet till the day fixed; and on the determined fourth of July; immediately as my visitors had closed the doors upon me; I disencumbered myself of my irons; took my knife; and began my Herculean labour on the door。 The first of the double doors that opened inwards was conquered in less than an hour; the other was a very different task。 The lock was soon cut round; but it opened outwards; there was therefore no other means left but to cut the whole door away above the bar。
Incessant and incredible labour made this possible; though it was the more difficult as everything was to