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working up Mrs。 Simpson into a very extraordinary passion indeed； and
as she made an end of it； with great labor； she lumped up from her
chair like somebody bewitched； dropping upon the floor an entire
universe of bustle as she lumped。 Once upon her feet； she gnashed her
gums； brandished her arms； rolled up her sleeves； shook her fist in
my face； and concluded the performance by tearing the cap from her
head； and with it an immense wig of the most valuable and beautiful
black hair； the whole of which she dashed upon the ground with a
yell； and there trammpled and danced a fandango upon it； in an
absolute ecstasy and agony of rage。
Meantime I sank aghast into the chair which she had vacated。
〃Moissart and Voissart！〃 I repeated； thoughtfully； as she cut one of
her pigeon…wings； and 〃Croissart and Froissart！〃 as she completed
another 〃Moissart and Voissart and Croissart and Napoleon
Bonaparte Froissart！ why； you ineffable old serpent； that's me
that's me d'ye hear？ that's me〃 here I screamed at the top of
my voice 〃that's me…e…e！ I am Napoleon Bonaparte Froissart！ and if
I havn't married my great； great； grandmother； I wish I may be
everlastingly confounded！〃
Madame Eugenie Lalande； quasi Simpson formerly Moissart was； in
sober fact； my great； great； grandmother。 In her youth she had been
beautiful； and even at eighty…two； retained the majestic height； the
sculptural contour of head； the fine eyes and the Grecian nose of her
girlhood。 By the aid of these； of pearl…powder； of rouge； of false
hair； false teeth； and false tournure； as well as of the most skilful
modistes of Paris； she contrived to hold a respectable footing among
the beauties en peu passees of the French metropolis。 In this
respect； indeed； she might have been regarded as little less than the
equal of the celebrated Ninon De L'Enclos。
She was immensely wealthy； and being left； for the second time； a
widow without children； she bethought herself of my existence in
America； and for the purpose of making me her heir； paid a visit to
the United States； in company with a distant and exceedingly lovely
relative of her second husband's a Madame Stephanie Lalande。
At the opera； my great； great； grandmother's attention was arrested
by my notice； and； upon surveying me through her eye…glass； she was
struck with a certain family resemblance to herself。 Thus interested；
and knowing that the heir she sought was actually in the city； she
made inquiries of her party respecting me。 The gentleman who attended
her knew my person； and told her who I was。 The information thus
obtained induced her to renew her scrutiny； and this scrutiny it was
which so emboldened me that I behaved in the absurd manner already
detailed。 She returned my bow； however； under the impression that； by
some odd accident； I had discovered her identity。 When； deceived by
my weakness of vision； and the arts of the toilet； in respect to the
age and charms of the strange lady； I demanded so enthusiastically of
Talbot who she was； he concluded that I meant the younger beauty； as
a matter of course； and so informed me； with perfect truth； that she
was 〃the celebrated widow； Madame Lalande。〃
In the street； next morning； my great； great； grandmother encountered
Talbot； an old Parisian acquaintance； and the conversation； very
naturally turned upon myself。 My deficiencies of vision were then
explained； for these were notorious； although I was entirely ignorant
of their notoriety； and my good old relative discovered； much to her
chagrin； that she had been deceived in supposing me aware of her
identity； and that I had been merely making a fool of myself in
making open love； in a theatre； to an old woman unknown。 By way of
punishing me for this imprudence； she concocted with Talbot a plot。
He purposely kept out of my way to avoid giving me the introduction。
My street inquiries about 〃the lovely widow； Madame Lalande；〃 were
supposed to refer to the younger lady； of course； and thus the
conversation with the three gentlemen whom I encountered shortly
after leaving Talbot's hotel will be easily explained； as also their
allusion to Ninon De L'Enclos。 I had no opportunity of seeing Madame
Lalande closely during daylight； and； at her musical soiree； my silly
weakness in refusing the aid of glasses effectually prevented me from
making a discovery of her age。 When 〃Madame Lalande〃 was called upon
to sing； the younger lady was intended； and it was she who arose to
obey the call； my great； great； grandmother； to further the
deception； arising at the same moment and accompanying her to the
piano in the main drawing…room。 Had I decided upon escorting her
thither； it had been her design to suggest the propriety of my
remaining where I was； but my own prudential views rendered this
unnecessary。 The songs which I so much admired； and which so
confirmed my impression of the youth of my mistress； were executed by
Madame Stephanie Lalande。 The eyeglass was presented by way of adding
a reproof to the hoax a sting to the epigram of the deception。 Its
presentation afforded an opportunity for the lecture upon affectation
with which I was so especially edified。 It is almost superfluous to
add that the glasses of the instrument； as worn by the old lady； had
been exchanged by her for a pair better adapted to my years。 They
suited me； in fact； to a T。
The clergyman； who merely pretended to tie the fatal knot； was a boon
companion of Talbot's； and no priest。 He was an excellent 〃whip；〃
however； and having doffed his cassock to put on a great…coat； he
drove the hack which conveyed the 〃happy couple〃 out of town。 Talbot
took a seat at his side。 The two scoundrels were thus 〃in at the
death；〃 and through a half…open window of the back parlor of the inn；
amused themselves in grinning at the denouement of the drama。 I
believe I shall be forced to call them both out。
Nevertheless； I am not the husband of my great； great； grandmother；
and this is a reflection which affords me infinite relief； but I
am the husband of Madame Lalande of Madame Stephanie Lalande
with whom my good old relative； besides making me her sole heir when
she dies if she ever does has been at the trouble of concocting
me a match。 In conclusion： I am done forever with billets doux and am
never to be met without SPECTACLES。
~~~ End of Text ~~~
KING PEST。
A Tale Containing an Allegory。
The gods do bear and will allow in kings
The things which they abhor in rascal routes。
_Buckhurst's Tragedy of Ferrex and Porrex。_
ABOUT twelve o'clock； one night in the month of October； and during
the chivalrous reign of the third Edward； two seamen belonging to the
crew of the 〃Free and Easy；〃 a trading schooner plying between Sluys
and the Thames； and then at anchor in that river； were much
astonished to find themselves seated in the tap…room of an ale…house
in the parish of St。 Andrews； London which ale…house bore for sign
the portraiture of a 〃Jolly Tar。〃
The room； although ill…contrived； smoke…blackened； low…pitched； and
in every other respect agreeing with the general character of such
places at the period was； nevertheless； in the opini