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passions ever co…exist？ Can the man in whom we inspire love inspire it
in us？ Will the day ever come when Felipe is my master？ Shall I
tremble then； as he does now？ These are questions which make me
shudder。
He is very blind！ In his place I should have thought Mlle。 de
Chaulieu； meeting me under the limes； a cold； calculating coquette；
with starched manners。 No； that is not love； it is playing with fire。
I am still fond of Felipe； but I am calm and at my ease with him now。
No more obstacles！ What a terrible thought！ It is all ebb…tide within；
and I fear to question my heart。 His mistake was in concealing the
ardor of his love； he ought to have forced my self…control。
In a word； I was naughty； and I have not got the reward such
naughtiness brings。 No； dear； however sweet the memory of that half…
hour beneath the trees； it is nothing like the excitement of the old
time with its： 〃Shall I go？ Shall I not go？ Shall I write to him？
Shall I not write？〃
Is it thus with all our pleasures？ Is suspense always better than
enjoyment？ Hope than fruition？ Is it the rich who in very truth are
the poor？ Have we not both perhaps exaggerated feeling by giving to
imagination too free a rein？ There are times when this thought freezes
me。 Shall I tell you why？ Because I am meditating another visit to the
bottom of the gardenwithout Griffith。 How far could I go in this
direction？ Imagination knows no limit； but it is not so with pleasure。
Tell me； dear be…furbelowed professor； how can one reconcile the two
goals of a woman's existence？
XXII
LOUISE TO FELIPE
I am not pleased with you。 If you did not cry over Racine's
/Berenice/； and feel it to be the most terrible of tragedies； there is
no kinship in our souls； we shall never get on together； and had
better break off at once。 Let us meet no more。 Forget me； for if I do
not have a satisfactory reply； I shall forget you。 You will become M。
le Baron de Macumer for me； or rather you will cease to be at all。
Yesterday at Mme。 d'Espard's you had a self…satisfied air which
disgusted me。 No doubt； apparently； about your conquest！ In sober
earnest； your self…possession alarms me。 Not a trace in you of the
humble slave of your first letter。 Far from betraying the absent…
mindedness of a lover； you polished epigrams！ This is not the attitude
of a true believer； always prostrate before his divinity。
If you do not feel me to be the very breath of your life； a being
nobler than other women； and to be judged by other standards； then I
must be less than a woman in your sight。 You have roused in me a
spirit of mistrust； Felipe； and its angry mutterings have drowned the
accents of tenderness。 When I look back upon what has passed between
us； I feel in truth that I have a right to be suspicious。 For know；
Prime Minister of all the Spains； that I have reflected much on the
defenceless condition of our sex。 My innocence has held a torch； and
my fingers are not burnt。 Let me repeat to you； then； what my youthful
experience taught me。
In all other matters； duplicity； faithlessness； and broken pledges are
brought to book and punished； but not so with love； which is at once
the victim； the accuser； the counsel； judge； and executioner。 The
cruelest treachery； the most heartless crimes； are those which remain
for ever concealed； with two hearts alone for witness。 How indeed
should the victim proclaim them without injury to herself？ Love；
therefore； has its own code； its own penal system； with which the
world has no concern。
Now； for my part； I have resolved never to pardon a serious
misdemeanor； and in love； pray； what is not serious？ Yesterday you had
all the air of a man successful in his suit。 You would be wrong to
doubt it； and yet； if this assurance robbed you of the charming
simplicity which sprang from uncertainty； I should blame you severely。
I would have you neither bashful nor self…complacent； I would not have
you in terror of losing my affectionthat would be an insultbut
neither would I have you wear your love lightly as a thing of course。
Never should your heart be freer than mine。 If you know nothing of the
torture that a single stab of doubt brings to the soul； tremble lest I
give you a lesson！
In a single glance I confided my heart to you； and you read the
meaning。 The purest feelings that ever took root in a young girl's
breast are yours。 The thought and meditation of which I have told you
served only to enrich the mind； but if ever the wounded heart turns to
the brain for counsel； be sure the young girl would show some kinship
with the demon of knowledge and of daring。
I swear to you； Felipe； if you love me； as I believe you do and if I
have reason to suspect the least falling off in the fear； obedience；
and respect which you have hitherto professed； if the pure flame of
passion which first kindled the fire of my heart should seem to me any
day to burn less vividly； you need fear no reproaches。 I would not
weary you with letters bearing any trace of weakness； pride； or anger；
nor even with one of warning like this。 But if I spoke no words；
Felipe； my face would tell you that death was near。 And yet I should
not die till I had branded you with infamy； and sown eternal sorrow in
your heart； you would see the girl you loved dishonored and lost in
this world； and know her doomed to everlasting suffering in the next。
Do not therefore； I implore you； give me cause to envy the old； happy
Louise； the object of your pure worship； whose heart expanded in the
sunshine of happiness； since； in the words of Dante； she possessed；
Senza brama； sicura ricchezza！
I have searched the /Inferno/ through to find the most terrible
punishment； some torture of the mind to which I might link the
vengeance of God。
Yesterday； as I watched you； doubt went through me like a sharp； cold
dagger's point。 Do you know what that means？ I mistrusted you； and the
pang was so terrible； I could not endure it longer。 If my service be
too hard； leave it； I would not keep you。 Do I need any proof of your
cleverness？ Keep for me the flowers of your wit。 Show to others no
fine surface to call forth flattery； compliments； or praise。 Come to
me； laden with hatred or scorn； the butt of calumny； come to me with
the news that women flout you and ignore you； and not one loves you；
then； ah！ then you will know the treasures of Louise's heart and love。
We are only rich when our wealth is buried so deep that all the world
might trample it under foot； unknowing。 If you were handsome； I don't
suppose I should have looked at you twice； or discovered one of the
thousand reasons out of which my love sprang。 True； we know no more of
these reasons than we know why it is the sun makes the flowers to
bloom； and ripens the fruit。 Yet I could tell you of one reason very
dear to me。
The character； expression； and individuality that ennoble your face
are a sealed book to all but me。 Mine is the power which transforms
you into the most lovable of men； and that is why I would keep your
mental gifts also for myself。 To others they should be as meaningless
as your eyes； the charm of your mouth and features。 Let it be mine
alone to