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〃I shouldn't hesitate。 Why； she'll want me more than ever then。 When
she's alone and humiliated and broken it would be dreadful if she had
nowhere to go。〃
He seemed to bear no resentment。 I suppose it was commonplace in
me that I felt slightly outraged at his lack of spirit。 Perhaps he guessed
what was in my mind； for he said：
〃I couldn't expect her to love me as I loved her。 I'm a buffoon。 I'm
not the sort of man that women love。 I've always known that。 I can't
blame her if she's fallen in love with Strickland。〃
〃You certainly have less vanity than any man I've ever known；〃 I said。
〃I love her so much better than myself。 It seems to me that when
vanity comes into love it can only be because really you love yourself best。
After all； it constantly happens that a man when he's married falls in love
with somebody else； when he gets over it he returns to his wife； and she
takes him back； and everyone thinks it very natural。 Why should it be
different with women？〃
〃I dare say that's logical；〃 I smiled； 〃but most men are made differently；
and they can't。〃
But while I talked to Stroeve I was puzzling over the suddenness of the
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whole affair。 I could not imagine that he had had no warning。 I
remembered the curious look I had seen in Blanche Stroeve's eyes；
perhaps its explanation was that she was growing dimly conscious of a
feeling in her heart that surprised and alarmed her。
〃Did you have no suspicion before to…day that there was anything
between them？〃 I asked。
He did not answer for a while。 There was a pencil on the table； and
unconsciously he drew a head on the blotting…paper。
〃Please say so； if you hate my asking you questions；〃 I said。
〃It eases me to talk。 Oh； if you knew the frightful anguish in my
heart。〃 He threw the pencil down。 〃Yes； I've known it for a fortnight。
I knew it before she did。〃
〃Why on earth didn't you send Strickland packing？〃
〃I couldn't believe it。 It seemed so improbable。 She couldn't bear the
sight of him。 It was more than improbable； it was incredible。 I thought
it was merely jealousy。 You see； I've always been jealous； but I trained
myself never to show it； I was jealous of every man she knew； I was
jealous of you。 I knew she didn't love me as I loved her。 That was only
natural； wasn't it？ But she allowed me to love her； and that was enough
to make me happy。 I forced myself to go out for hours together in order
to leave them by themselves； I wanted to punish myself for suspicions
which were unworthy of me； and when I came back I found they didn't
want me not Strickland； he didn't care if I was there or not； but Blanche。
She shuddered when I went to kiss her。 When at last I was certain I didn't
know what to do； I knew they'd only laugh at me if I made a scene。 I
thought if I held my tongue and pretended not to see； everything would
come right。 I made up my mind to get him away quietly； without
quarrelling。 Oh； if you only knew what I've suffered！〃
Then he told me again of his asking Strickland to go。 He chose his
moment carefully； and tried to make his request sound casual； but he could
not master the trembling of his voice； and he felt himself that into words
that he wished to seem jovial and friendly there crept the bitterness of his
jealousy。 He had not expected Strickland to take him up on the spot and
make his preparations to go there and then； above all； he had not expected
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his wife's decision to go with him。 I saw that now he wished with all his
heart that he had held his tongue。 He preferred the anguish of jealousy to
the anguish of separation。
〃I wanted to kill him； and I only made a fool of myself。〃
He was silent for a long time； and then he said what I knew was in his
mind。
〃If I'd only waited； perhaps it would have gone all right。 I shouldn't
have been so impatient。 Oh； poor child； what have I driven her to？〃
I shrugged my shoulders； but did not speak。 I had no sympathy for
Blanche Stroeve； but knew that it would only pain poor Dirk if I told him
exactly what I thought of her。
He had reached that stage of exhaustion when he could not stop
talking。 He went over again every word of the scene。 Now something
occurred to him that he had not told me before； now he discussed what he
ought to have said instead of what he did say； then he lamented his
blindness。 He regretted that he had done this； and blamed himself that he
had omitted the other。 It grew later and later； and at last I was as tired as
he。
〃What are you going to do now？〃 I said finally。
〃What can I do？ I shall wait till she sends for me。〃
〃Why don't you go away for a bit？〃
〃No； no； I must be at hand when she wants me。〃
For the present he seemed quite lost。 He had made no plans。 When I
suggested that he should go to bed he said he could not sleep； he wanted to
go out and walk about the streets till day。 He was evidently in no state to
be left alone。 I persuaded him to stay the night with me； and I put him into
my own bed。 I had a divan in my sitting…room； and could very well sleep
on that。 He was by now so worn out that he could not resist my firmness。
I gave him a sufficient dose of veronal to insure his unconsciousness for
several hours。 I thought that was the best service I could render him。
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Chapter XXX
But the bed I made up for myself was sufficiently uncomfortable to
give me a wakeful night； and I thought a good deal of what the unlucky
Dutchman had told me。 I was not so much puzzled by Blanche Stroeve's
action； for I saw in that merely the result of a physical appeal。 I do not
suppose she had ever really cared for her husband； and what I had taken
for love was no more than the f