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〃Forget yourself！〃 says I。 〃You have no right to talk in that
way； at your age。 There's something horrible in the notion of a
girl of eighteen sleeping with a bottle of laudanum by her
bedside every night。 We all of us have our troubles。 Haven't I
got mine？〃
〃You can do twice the work I can； twice as well as me；〃 says
Mary。 〃You are never scolded and rated at for awkwardness with
your needle； and I always am。 You can pay for your room every
week； and I am three weeks in debt for mine。〃
〃A little more practice；〃 says I； 〃and a little more courage； and
you will soon do better。 You have got all your life before you〃
〃I wish I was at the end of it；〃 says she； breaking in。 〃I am
alone in the world； and my life's no good to me。〃
〃You ought to be ashamed of yourself for saying so；〃 says I。
〃Haven't you got me for a friend？ Didn't I take a fancy to you
when first you left your step…mother and came to lodge in this
house？ And haven't I been sisters with you ever since？ Suppose
you are alone in the world； am I much better off？ I'm an orphan
like you。 I've almost as many things in pawn as you； and； if your
pockets are empty； mine have only got ninepence in them； to last
me for all the rest of the week。〃
〃Your father and mother were honest people；〃 says Mary；
obstinately。 〃My mother ran away from home； and died in a
hospital。 My father was always drunk； and always beating me。 My
step…mother is as good as dead； for all she cares about me。 My
only brother is thousands of miles away in fore ign parts； and
never writes to me； and never helps me with a farthing。 My
sweetheart〃
She stopped； and the red flew into her face。 I knew； if she went
on that way； she would only get to the saddest part of her sad
story； and give both herself and me unnecessary pain。
〃_My_ sweetheart is too poor to marry me； Mary；〃 I said； 〃so I'm
not so much to be envied even there。 But let's give over
disputing which is worst off。 Lie down in bed； and let me tuck
you up。 I'll put a stitch or two into that work of yours while
you go to sleep。〃
Instead of doing what I told her； she burst out crying （being
very like a child in some of her ways）； and hugged me so tight
round the neck that she quite hurt me。 I let her go on till she
had worn herself out； and was obliged to lie down。 Even then； her
last few words before she dropped off to sleep were such as I was
half sorry； half frightened to hear。
〃I won't plague you long； Anne；〃 she said。 〃I haven't courage to
go out of the world as you seem to fear I shall； but I began my
life wretchedly； and wretchedly I am sentenced to end it。〃
It was of no use lecturing her again； for she closed her eyes。
I tucked her up as neatly as I could； and put her petticoat over
her； for the bedclothes were scanty； and her hands felt cold。 She
looked so pretty and delicate as she fell asleep that it quite
made my heart ache to see her； after such talk as we had held
together。 I just waited long enough to be quite sure that she was
in the land of dreams； then emptied the horrible laudanum bottle
into the grate； took up her half…done work； and； going out
softly； left her for that night。
March 6th。 Sent off a long letter to Robert； begging and
entreating him not to be so down…hearted； and not to leave
America without making another effort。 I told him I could bear
any trial except the wretchedness of seeing him come back a
helpless； broken…down man； trying uselessly to begin life again
when too old for a change。
It was not till after I had posted my own letter； and read over
part of Robert's again； that the suspicion suddenly floated
across me； for the first time； that he might have sailed for
England immediately after writing to me。 There were expressions
in the letter which seemed to indicate that he had some such
headlong project in his mind。 And yet； surely； if it were so； I
ought to have noticed them at the first reading。 I can only hope
I am wrong in my present interpretation of much of what he has
written to mehope it earnestly for both our sakes。
This has been a doleful day for me。 I have been uneasy about
Robert and uneasy about Mary。 My mind is haunted by those last
words of hers： 〃I began my life wretchedly； and wretchedly I am
sentenced to end it。〃 Her usual melancholy way of talking never
produced the same impression on me that I feel now。 Perhaps the
discovery of the laudanum…bottle is the cause of this。 I would
give many a hard day's work to know what to do for Mary's good。
My heart warmed to her when we first met in the same
lodging…house two years ago； and； although I am not one of the
over…affectionate sort myself； I feel as if I could go to the
world's end to serve that girl。 Yet； strange to say； if I was
asked why I was so fond of her； I don't think I should know how
to answer the question。
March 7th。 I am almost ashamed to write it down； even in this
journal； which no eyes but mine ever look on； yet I must honestly
confess to myself that here I am； at nearly one in the morning；
sitting up in a state of serious uneasiness because Mary has not
yet come home。
I walked with her this morning to the place where she works； and
tried to lead her into talking of the relations she has got who
are still alive。 My motive in doing this was to see if she
dropped anything in the course of conversation which might
suggest a way of helping her interests with those who are bound
to give her all reasonable assistance。 But the little I could get
her to say to me led to nothing。 Instead of answering my
questions about her step…mother and her brother； she persisted at
first； in the strangest way； in talking of her father； who was
dead and gone； and of one Noah Truscott； who had been the worst
of all the bad friends he had； and had taught him to drink and
game。 When I did get her to speak of her brother； she only knew
that he had gone out to a place called Assam； where they grew
tea。 How he was doing； or whether he was there still； she did not
seem to know； never having heard a word from him for years and
years past。
As for her step…mother； Mary not unnaturally flew into a passion
the moment I spoke of her。 She keeps an eating…house at
Hammersmith； and could have given Mary good employment in it； but
she seems always to have hated her； and to have made her life so
wretched with abuse and ill usage that she had no refuge left but
to go away from home； and do her best to make a living for
herself。 Her husband （Mary's father） appears to have behaved
badly to her； and； after his death； she took the wicked course of
revenging herself on her step…daughter。 I felt； after this； that
it was impossible Mary could go back； and that it was the hard
necessity of her position； as it is of mine； that she should
struggle on to make a decent livelihood without assistance from
any of her relations。 I confessed as much as this to her； but I
added that I would try to get her employment with the persons for
whom I work； who pay higher wages； and show a little more
indulgence to those under them than the people to whom she is now
obliged to look for support。
I spoke much more confidently than I felt about being able t