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he would leave me sticking in the mud； trusting to his goodness to help me out。 After I have beggared myself with his troublesome lawsuit； with a plague to him！ he takes it in mighty dudgeon because I have brought him here to end matters amicably； and because I won't let him make me over by deed and indenture as his lawful cully； which to my certain knowledge he has attempted several times。 But； after all； canst thou gather grapes from thorns？ Nic。 does not pretend to be a gentleman； he is a tradesman； a self…seeking wretch。 But how camest thou to hear all this； John？ The reason is plain； thou conferrest the benefits and he receives them； the first produces love； and the last ingratitude。 Ah Nic。； Nic。； thou art a damned dog； that's certain； thou knowest too well that I will take care of thee； else thou wouldst not use me thus。 I won't give thee up； it is true； but as true as it is； thou shalt not sell me； according to thy laudable custom。〃 While John was deep in this soliloquy Nic。 broke out into the following protestation：
〃Gentlemen；I believe everybody here present will allow me to be a very just and disinterested person。 My friend John Bull here is very angry with me； forsooth； because I won't agree to his foolish bargains。 Now I declare to all mankind I should be ready to sacrifice my own concerns to his quiet； but the care of his interest； and that of the honest tradesmen* that are embarked with us； keeps me from entering into this composition。 What shall become of those poor creatures？ The thoughts of their impending ruin disturb my night's rest； therefore I desire they may speak for themselves。 If they are willing to give up this affair； I sha'n't make two words of it。〃
* The Allies。
John Bull begged him to lay aside that immoderate concern for him； and withal put him in mind that the interest of those tradesmen had not sat quite so heavy upon him some years ago on a like occasion。 Nic。 answered little to that； but immediately pulled out a boatswain's whistle。 Upon the first whiff the tradesmen came jumping into the room； and began to surround Lewis like so many yelping curs about a great boar； or； to use a modester simile； like duns at a great lord's levee the morning he goes into the country。 One pulled him by his sleeve； another by the skirt； a third hallooed in the ear。 They began to ask him for all that had been taken from their forefathers by stealth； fraud； force； or lawful purchase。 Some asked for manors； others for acres that lay convenient for them； that he would pull down his fences； level his ditches。 All agreed in one common demand that he should be purged； sweated； vomited； and starved； till he came to a sizeable bulk like that of his neighbours。 One modestly asked him leave to call him brother。 Nic。 Frog demanded two thingsto be his porter and his fishmonger； to keep the keys of his gates and furnish the kitchen。 John's sister Peg only desired that he would let his servants sing psalms a…Sundays。 Some descended even to the asking of old clothes； shoes and boots； broken bottles； tobacco…pipes； and ends of candles。
〃Monsieur Bull；〃 quoth Lewis； 〃you seem to be a man of some breeding； for God's sake use your interest with these Messieurs； that they would speak but one at once； for if one had a hundred pair of hands； and as many tongues； he cannot satisfy them all at this rate。〃 John begged they might proceed with some method； then they stopped all of a sudden and would not say a word。 〃If this be your play；〃 quoth John； 〃that we may not be like a Quaker's dumb meeting； let us begin some diversion； what d'ye think of rouly…pouly or a country dance？ What if we should have a match at football？ I am sure we shall never end matters at this rate。〃
CHAPTER XVI。 How John Bull and Nic。 Frog settled their Accounts。
JOHN BULL。During this general cessation of talk； what if you and I； Nic。； should inquire how money matters stand between us？
NIC。 FROG。With all my heart； I love exact dealing。 And let Hocus audit； he knows how the money was disbursed。
JOHN BULL。I am not much for that at present； we'll settle it between ourselves。 Fair and square； Nic。； keeps friends together。 There have been laid out in this lawsuit； at one time； 36；OOO pounds and 4O；OOO crowns。 In some cases I； in others you； bear the greatest proportion。
NIC FROG。Right； I pay three…fifths of the greatest number； and you pay two…thirds of the lesser number。 I think this is fair and square； as you call it。
JOHN BULL。Well； go on。
NIC FROG。Two…thirds of 36；OOO pounds are 24；OOO pounds for your share； and there remains 12；OOO for mine。 Again； of the 4O；OOO crowns I pay 24；OOO； which is three…fifths； and you pay only 16；OOO； which is two…fifths； 24；OOO crowns make 6；OOO pounds； and 16；OOO crowns make 4；OOO pounds； 12；OOO and 16；OOO make 18；OOO； 24；OOO and 4；OOO make 28；OOO。 So there are 18；OOO pounds to my share of the expenses； and 28；OOO to yours。
After Nic。 had bamboozled John awhile about the 18；OOO and the 28；OOO； John called for counters； but what with sleight of hand； and taking from his own score and adding to John's； Nic。 brought the balance always on his own side。
JOHN BULL。Nay； good friend Nic。； though I am not quite so nimble in the fingers； I understand ciphering as well as you。 I will produce you my accounts one by one； fairly writ out of my own books； and here I begin with the first。 You must excuse me if I don't pronounce the law terms right。
＇John reads。＇
For the expenses ordinary of the suits； fees to judges； puisne judges； lawyers innumerable of all sorts：
Of extraordinaries； as follows per account 。 。 To Esquire South's account for post terminums 。 。 To ditto for non est factums 。 。 To ditto for noli prosequis； discontinuance； and retraxit 。 。 For writs of error 。 。 Suits of conditions unperformed 。 。 To Hocus for dedimus protestatem 。 。 To ditto for a capias ad computandum 。 。 To Frog's new tenants per account to Hocus； for audita querelas 。 。 On the said account for writs of ejectment and distringas 。 。 To Esquire South's quota for a return of a non est invent and nulla habet bona 。 。 To … for a pardon in forma pauperis 。 。 To Jack for a melius inquirendum upon a felo…de…se 。 。 To coach…hire 。 。 For treats to juries and witnesses 。 。
John having read over his articles； with the respective sums； brought in Frog debtor to him upon the balance； 3；382 pounds 12 shillings。
Then Nic。 Frog pulled his bill out of his pocket； and began to read。
Nicholas Frog's Account。
Remains to be deducted out of the former Account。
Paid by Nic。 Frog for his share of the ordinary expenses of the suit 。 。 To Hocus for entries of a rege inconsulto 。 。 To John Bull's nephew for a venire facias； the money not yet all laid out 。 。 The coach…hire for my wife and family； and the carriage of my goods during the time of this lawsuit 。 。 For the extraordinary expenses of feeding my family during this lawsuit 。 。 To Major Ab。 。 。 To Major Will。 。 。
And summing all up； found due upon the balance by John Bull to Nic。 Frog； 9 pounds 4 shillings and 6 pence。
JOHN BULL。As for your venire facias； I have paid you for one already； in the other I believe you will be nonsuited。