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somebody to hold me the light； and when the girl comes back； she must go
out again for a bit of picture…cord； and Tom！ … where's Tom？ … Tom； you
come here； I shall want you to hand me up the picture。〃
And then he would lift up the picture； and drop it； and it would come out
of the frame； and he would try to save the glass； and cut himself； and
then he would spring round the room； looking for his handkerchief。 He
could not find his handkerchief； because it was in the pocket of the coat
he had taken off； and he did not know where he had put the coat； and all
the house had to leave off looking for his tools； and start looking for
his coat； while he would dance round and hinder them。
〃Doesn't anybody in the whole house know where my coat is？ I never came
across such a set in all my life … upon my word I didn't。 Six of you！ …
and you can't find a coat that I put down not five minutes ago！ Well； of
all the … 〃
Then he'd get up； and find that he had been sitting on it； and would call
out：
〃Oh； you can give it up！ I've found it myself now。 Might just as well
ask the cat to find anything as expect you people to find it。〃
And； when half an hour had been spent in tying up his finger； and a new
glass had been got； and the tools； and the ladder； and the chair； and the
candle had been brought； he would have another go； the whole family；
including the girl and the charwoman； standing round in a semi…circle；
ready to help。 Two people would have to hold the chair； and a third
would help him up on it； and hold him there； and a fourth would hand him
a nail； and a fifth would pass him up the hammer； and he would take hold
of the nail； and drop it。
〃There！〃 he would say； in an injured tone； 〃now the nail's gone。〃
And we would all have to go down on our knees and grovel for it； while he
would stand on the chair； and grunt； and want to know if he was to be
kept there all the evening。
The nail would be found at last； but by that time he would have lost the
hammer。
〃Where's the hammer？ What did I do with the hammer？ Great heavens！
Seven of you； gaping round there； and you don't know what I did with the
hammer！〃
We would find the hammer for him； and then he would have lost sight of
the mark he had made on the wall； where the nail was to go in； and each
of us had to get up on the chair； beside him； and see if we could find
it； and we would each discover it in a different place； and he would call
us all fools； one after another； and tell us to get down。 And he would
take the rule； and re…measure； and find that he wanted half thirty…one
and three…eighths inches from the corner； and would try to do it in his
head； and go mad。
And we would all try to do it in our heads； and all arrive at different
results； and sneer at one another。 And in the general row； the original
number would be forgotten； and Uncle Podger would have to measure it
again。
He would use a bit of string this time； and at the critical moment； when
the old fool was leaning over the chair at an angle of forty…five； and
trying to reach a point three inches beyond what was possible for him to
reach； the string would slip； and down he would slide on to the piano； a
really fine musical effect being produced by the suddenness with which
his head and body struck all the notes at the same time。
And Aunt Maria would say that she would not allow the children to stand
round and hear such language。
At last； Uncle Podger would get the spot fixed again； and put the point
of the nail on it with his left hand； and take the hammer in his right
hand。 And； with the first blow； he would smash his thumb； and drop the
hammer； with a yell； on somebody's toes。
Aunt Maria would mildly observe that； next time Uncle Podger was going to
hammer a nail into the wall； she hoped he'd let her know in time； so that
she could make arrangements to go and spend a week with her mother while
it was being done。
〃Oh！ you women； you make such a fuss over everything；〃 Uncle Podger would
reply； picking himself up。 〃Why； I LIKE doing a little job of this
sort。〃
And then he would have another try； and； at the second blow； the nail
would go clean through the plaster； and half the hammer after it； and
Uncle Podger be precipitated against the wall with force nearly
sufficient to flatten his nose。
Then we had to find the rule and the string again； and a new hole was
made； and； about midnight； the picture would be up … very crooked and
insecure； the wall for yards round looking as if it had been smoothed
down with a rake； and everybody dead beat and wretched … except Uncle
Podger。
〃There you are；〃 he would say； stepping heavily off the chair on to the
charwoman's corns； and surveying the mess he had made with evident pride。
〃Why； some people would have had a man in to do a little thing like
that！〃
Harris will be just that sort of man when he grows up； I know； and I told
him so。 I said I could not permit him to take so much labour upon
himself。 I said：
〃No； YOU get the paper； and the pencil； and the catalogue； and George
write down； and I'll do the work。〃
The first list we made out had to be discarded。 It was clear that the
upper reaches of the Thames would not allow of the navigation of a boat
sufficiently large to take the things we had set down as indispensable；
so we tore the list up； and looked at one another！
George said：
〃You know we are on a wrong track altogether。 We must not think of the
things we could do with； but only of the things that we can't do
without。〃
George comes out really quite sensible at times。 You'd be surprised。 I
call that downright wisdom； not merely as regards the present case； but
with reference to our trip up the river of life； generally。 How many
people； on that voyage； load up the boat till it is ever in danger of
swamping with a store of foolish things which they think essential to the
pleasure and comfort of the trip； but which are really only useless
lumber。
How they pile the poor little craft mast…high with fine clothes and big
houses； with useless servants； and a host of swell friends that do not
care twopence for them； and that they do not care three ha'pence for；
with expensive entertainments that nobody enjoys； with formalities and
fashions； with pretence and ostentation； and with … oh； heaviest； maddest
lumber of all！ … the dread of what will my neighbour think； with luxuries
that only cloy； with pleasures that bore； with empty show that； like the
criminal's iron crown of yore； makes to bleed and swoon the aching head
that wears it！
It is lumber； man … all lumber！ Throw it overboard。 It makes the boat
so heavy to pull； you nearly faint at the oars。 It makes it so
cumbersome and dangerous to manage； you never know a moment's freedom
from anxiety and care； never ga