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find the girl。
I argued with myself all the way back to Forks； but my less noble side won the
argument； and I went ahead with my indefensible plan。 The monster was restless but
well…fettered。 I knew I would keep a safe distance from her。 I only wanted to know
where she was。 I just wanted to see her face。
It was past midnight； and Bella's house was dark and quiet。 Her truck was parked
against the curb； her father's police cruiser in the driveway。 There were no conscious
thoughts anywhere in the neighborhood。 I watched the house for a moment from the
blackness of the forest that bordered it on the east。 The front door would probably be
locked—not a problem； except that I didn't want to leave a broken door as evidence
behind me。 I decided to try the upstairs window first。 Not many people would bother
installing a lock there。
I crossed the open yard and scaled the face of the house in half a second。
Dangling from the eave above the window by one hand； I looked through the glass； and
my breath stopped。
It was her room。 I could see her in the one small bed； her covers on the floor and
her sheets twisted around her legs。 As I watched； she twitched restlessly and threw one
arm over her head。 She did not sleep soundly； at least not this night。 Did she sense the
danger near her？
I was repulsed by myself as I watched her toss again。 How was I any better than
some sick peeping tom？ I wasn't any better。 I was much； much worse。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
107
I relaxed my fingertips； about to let myself drop。 But first I allowed myself one
long look at her face。
It was not peaceful。 The little furrow was there between her eyebrows； the
corners of her lips turned down。 Her lips trembled； and then parted。
〃Okay； Mom；〃 she muttered。
Bella talked in her sleep。
Curiosity flared； overpowering self…disgust。 The lure of those unprotected；
unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting。
I tried the window； and it was not locked； though it stuck due to long disuse。 I
slid it slowly aside； cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame。 I would have to find
some oil for next time？
Next time？ I shook my head； disgusted again。
I eased myself silently through the half…opened window。
Her room was small—disorganized but not unclean。 There were books piled on
the floor beside her bed； their spines facing away from me； and CDs scattered by her
inexpensive CD player—the one on top was just a clear jewel case。 Stacks of papers
surrounded a computer that looked like it belonged in a museum dedicated to obsolete
technologies。 Shoes dotted the wooden floor。
I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs； but I'd promised
myself that I would keep my distance； instead； I went to sit the old rocking chair in the
far corner of the room。
Had I really once thought her average…looking？ I thought of that first day； and my
disgust for the boys who were so immediately intrigued with her。 But when I
remembered her face in their minds now； I could not understand why I had not found her
beautiful immediately。 It seemed an obvious thing。
Right now—with her dark hair tangled and wild around her pale face； wearing a
threadbare t…shirt full of holes with tatty sweatpants； her features relaxed in
unconsciousness； her full lips slightly parted—she took my breath away。 Or would have；
I thought wryly； if I were breathing。
She did not speak。 Perhaps her dream had ended。
I stared at her face and tried to think of some way to make the future bearable。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
108
Hurting her was not bearable。 Did that mean my only choice was to try to leave
again？
The others could not argue with me now。 My absence would not put anyone in
danger。 There would be no suspicion； nothing to link anyone's thoughts back to the
accident。
I wavered as I had this afternoon； and nothing seemed possible。
I could not hope to rival the human boys； whether these specific boys appealed to
her or not。 I was a monster。 How could she see me as anything else？ If she knew the
truth about me； it would frighten and repulse her。 Like the intended victim in a horror
movie； she would run away； shrieking in terror。
I remembered her first day in biology？and knew that this was exactly the right
reaction for her to have。
It was foolishness to imagine that if had I been the one to ask her to the silly
dance； she would have cancelled her hastily…made plans and agreed to go with me。
I was not the one she was destined to say yes to。 It was someone else； someone
human and warm。 And I could not even let myself—someday； when that yes was said—
hunt him down and kill him； because she deserved him； whoever he was。 She deserved
happiness and love with whomever she chose。
I owed it to her to do the right thing now； I could no longer pretend that I was
only in danger of loving this girl。
After all； it really didn't matter if I left； because Bella could never see me the way
I wished she would。 Never see me as someone worthy of love。
Never。
Could a dead； frozen heart break？ It felt like mine would。
〃Edward；〃 Bella said。
I froze； staring at her unopened eyes。
Had she woken； caught me here？ She looked asleep； yet her voice had been so
clear？
She sighed a quiet sigh； and then moved restlessly again； rolling to her side—still
fast asleep and dreaming。
〃Edward；〃 she mumbled softly。
？ 2008 Stephenie Meyer
109
She was dreaming of me。
Could a dead； frozen heart beat again？ It felt like mine was about to。
〃Stay；〃 she sighed。 〃Don't go。 Please？don't go。〃
She was dreaming of me； and it wasn't even a nightmare。 She wanted me to stay
with her； there in her dream。
I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me； but I had
no words strong enough to hold them。 For a long moment； I drowned in them。
When I surfaced； I was not the same man I had been。
My life was an unending； unchanging midnight。 It must； by necessity； always be
midnight for me。 So how was it possible that the sun was rising now； in the middle of my
midnight？
At the time that I had become a vampire； trading my soul and my mortality for
immortality in the searing pain of transformation； I had truly been frozen。 My body had
turned into something more like rock than flesh； enduring and unchanging。 My self； also；
had frozen as it was—my personality； my likes and my dislikes； my moods and my
desires； all were fixed in place。
It was the same for the rest of them。 We were all frozen。 Living stone。
When change came for one of us； it was a rare and permanent thing。 I had seen it
happen with Carlisle； and then a decade later with Rosalie。 Love had changed them in an
eternal way； a way that never faded。 More than eighty years had passed since Carlisle
had found Esme； and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love。 It
would always be that way for them。
It would always be that way for me； too。 I would always love this fragile human
girl； for the rest of my limitless existence。
I gazed at her unconscious face； feeling this love for her