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attention to my farm during the long absences which the journeys and
campaigns of the Emperor necessitated。 Then I gave full vent to my
despair。 I was choking with rage as I remembered that my honesty had
been suspected；I； who for fourteen years had served the Emperor with a
disinterestedness which was so scrupulous； and even carried to such a
point that many persons called it silliness； I； who had never demanded
anything of the Emperor； either for myself or my people！ My brain reeled
as I tried to explain to myself how the Emperor； who knew all this so
well； could have allowed me to appear to a third person as a dishonorable
man； the more I thought of it the more extreme became my irritation； and
yet it was not possible to find the shadow of a motive for the blow aimed
at me。 My despair was at its height； when M。 Hubert； ordinary valet de
chambre of the Emperor； came to tell me that his Majesty would give me
all I wished if I would follow him； and that three hundred thousand
francs would be immediately handed me。 In these circumstances； I ask of
all honest men； what could I do； and what would they have done in my
place？ I replied that when I had resolved to consecrate my whole life to
the service of the unfortunate Emperor； it was not from views of vile
interest； but I was in despair at the thought that he should have made me
appear before Count Bertrand as an impostor and a dishonest man。 Ah！
how happy would it then have been for me had the Emperor never thought of
giving me those accursed one hundred thousand francs！ These ideas
tortured me。 Ah！ if I could only have taken twenty…four hours for
reflection； however just might have been my resentment； how gladly would
I have sacrificed it！ I would have thought of the Emperor alone； and
would have followed him； but a sad and inexplicable fatality had not
decreed this。
This took place on the 19th of April； the most miserable day of my life。
What an evening； what a night I passed！ What was my grief on learning
the next day that the Emperor had departed at noon； after making his
adieux to his guard！ When I awoke that morning； all my resentment had
been appeased in thinking of the Emperor。 Twenty times I wished to
return to the palace； twenty times after his departure I wished to take
post horses and overtake him； but I was deterred by the offer he had made
me through M。 Hubert。 〃Perhaps；〃 I thought； 〃he will think it is the
money which influences me； this will； doubtless； be said by those around
him； and what an opinion he will have of me！〃 In this cruel perplexity I
did not dare to decide。 I suffered all that it is possible for a man to
suffer； and； at times； that which was only too true seemed like a dream
to me； so impossible did it seem that I could be where the Emperor was
not。 Everything in this terrible situation contributed to aggravate my
distress。 I knew the Emperor well enough to be aware that even had I
returned to him then； he would never have forgotten that I had wished to
leave him； I felt that I had not the strength to bear this reproach from
his lips。 On the other side； the physical suffering caused by my disease
had greatly increased； and I was compelled to remain in bed a long while。
I could； indeed； have triumphed over these physical sufferings however
cruel they might have been； but in the frightful complications of my
position I was reduced to a condition of idiocy； I saw nothing of what
was around me； I heard nothing of what was said； and after this statement
the reader will surely not expect that I shall have anything to say about
the farewell of the Emperor to his old and faithful guard； an account of
which； moreover； has been often enough published for the facts to be well
known concerning this event； which； besides； took place in public。 Here
my Memoirs might well close； but the reader； I well believe； cannot
refuse me his attention a few moments longer； that I may recall some
facts which I have a right to explain； and to relate some incidents
concerning the return from the Island of Elba。 I； therefore； now
continue my remarks on the first of these heads； and the second will be
the subject of the next chapter。
The Emperor had then already started； and as for myself； shut up alone；
my country house became henceforth a sad residence to me。 I held no
communication with any one whatever； read no news； and sought to learn
none。 At the end of a short time I received a visit from one of my
friends from Paris； who said to me that the journals spoke of my conduct
without understanding it； and that they condemned it severely。 He added
that it was M。 de Turenne who had sent to the editors the note in which
I had been so heavily censured。 I must say that I did not believe this；
I knew M。 de Turenne too well to think him capable of a proceeding so
dishonorable； inasmuch as I had frankly explained everything to him； when
he made the answer I gave above。 But however the evil came； it was
nevertheless done； and by the incredible complications of my position I
found myself compelled to keep silence。 Nothing certainly would have
been easier than to repel the calumny by an exact rehearsal of the facts；
but should I justify myself in this manner by； so to speak； accusing the
Emperor at a moment especially when the Emperor's enemies manifested much
bitterness？ When I saw such a great man made a mark for the shafts of
calumny； I； who was so contemptible and insignificant among the crowd；
could surely allow a few of these envenomed shafts to fall on me。 To…day
the time has come to tell the truth； and I have done so without
restriction； not to excuse myself； for on the contrary I blame myself for
not having completely sacrificed myself； and for not having accompanied
the Emperor to the Island of Elba regardless of what might have been
said。 Nevertheless； I may be allowed to say in my own defense； that in
this combination of physical and mental sufferings which overwhelmed me
all at once； a person must be very sure of infallibility himself to
condemn completely this sensitiveness so natural in a man of honor when
accused of a fraudulent transaction。 This； then； I said to myself； is
the recompense for all my care； for the endurance of so much suffering；
for unbounded devotion； and a refinement of feeling for which the Emperor
had often praised me； and for which he rendered me justice later； as will
be seen when I shall have occasion to speak of certain circumstances
occurring about the 20th of March of the following year。
But gratuitously； and even malevolently； interested motives have been
attributed to me for the decision I made to leave the Emperor。 The
simplest common…sense； on the contrary； would suffice to see that； had I
allowed myself to be guided by my interests； everything would have
influenced me to accompany his Majesty。 In fact； the chagrin which the
incident I have mentioned caused me； and the manner in which I was
completely overwhelmed by it； have injured my fortune more than any
determination to follow the Emperor could possibly have done。 What could
I hope for in France； where I had no right to anything？ Is it not；
besides； v