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〃Oh； woe！ oh； sad！ oh； dire to tell！〃
（Said BAINES）。 〃Be good enough to stop。〃
And senseless on the floor he fell；
With unpremeditated flop！
Said CAPTAIN BAGG； 〃Well； really I
Am grieved to think it pains you so。
I thank you for your sympathy；
But； hang it！ … come … I say； you know！〃
But BAINES lay flat upon the floor；
Convulsed with sympathetic sob； …
The Captain toddled off next door；
And gave the case to MR。 COBB。
Ballad： THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE。
IN all the towns and cities fair
On Merry England's broad expanse；
No swordsman ever could compare
With THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE。
The dauntless lad could fairly hew
A silken handkerchief in twain；
Divide a leg of mutton too …
And this without unwholesome strain。
On whole half…sheep； with cunning trick；
His sabre sometimes he'd employ …
No bar of lead； however thick；
Had terrors for the stalwart boy。
At Dover daily he'd prepare
To hew and slash； behind； before …
Which aggravated MONSIEUR PIERRE；
Who watched him from the Calais shore。
It caused good PIERRE to swear and dance；
The sight annoyed and vexed him so；
He was the bravest man in France …
He said so； and he ought to know。
〃Regardez donc； ce cochon gros …
Ce polisson！ Oh； sacre bleu！
Son sabre； son plomb； et ses gigots
Comme cela m'ennuye； enfin； mon Dieu！
〃Il sait que les foulards de soie
Give no retaliating whack …
Les gigots morts n'ont pas de quoi …
Le plomb don't ever hit you back。〃
But every day the headstrong lad
Cut lead and mutton more and more；
And every day poor PIERRE； half mad；
Shrieked loud defiance from his shore。
HANCE had a mother； poor and old；
A simple； harmless village dame；
Who crowed and clapped as people told
Of WINTERBOTTOM'S rising fame。
She said； 〃I'll be upon the spot
To see my TOMMY'S sabre…play；〃
And so she left her leafy cot；
And walked to Dover in a day。
PIERRE had a doating mother； who
Had heard of his defiant rage；
HIS Ma was nearly ninety…two；
And rather dressy for her age。
At HANCE'S doings every morn；
With sheer delight HIS mother cried；
And MONSIEUR PIERRE'S contemptuous scorn
Filled HIS mamma with proper pride。
But HANCE'S powers began to fail …
His constitution was not strong …
And PIERRE； who once was stout and hale；
Grew thin from shouting all day long。
Their mothers saw them pale and wan；
Maternal anguish tore each breast；
And so they met to find a plan
To set their offsprings' minds at rest。
Said MRS。 HANCE； 〃Of course I shrinks
From bloodshed； ma'am； as you're aware；
But still they'd better meet； I thinks。〃
〃Assurement！〃 said MADAME PIERRE。
A sunny spot in sunny France
Was hit upon for this affair；
The ground was picked by MRS。 HANCE；
The stakes were pitched by MADAME PIERRE。
Said MRS。 H。； 〃Your work you see …
Go in； my noble boy； and win。〃
〃En garde； mon fils！〃 said MADAME P。
〃Allons！〃 〃Go on！〃 〃En garde！〃 〃Begin！〃
（The mothers were of decent size；
Though not particularly tall；
But in the sketch that meets your eyes
I've been obliged to draw them small。）
Loud sneered the doughty man of France；
〃Ho！ ho！ Ho！ ho！ Ha！ ha！ Ha！ ha！
〃The French for 'Pish'〃 said THOMAS HANCE。
Said PIERRE； 〃L'Anglais； Monsieur； pour 'Bah。'〃
Said MRS。 H。； 〃Come； one！ two！ three！ …
We're sittin' here to see all fair。〃
〃C'est magnifique！〃 said MADAME P。；
〃Mais； parbleu！ ce n'est pas la guerre！〃
〃Je scorn un foe si lache que vous；〃
Said PIERRE； the doughty son of France。
〃I fight not coward foe like you！〃
Said our undaunted TOMMY HANCE。
〃The French for 'Pooh！'〃 our TOMMY cried。
〃L'Anglais pour 'Va！'〃 the Frenchman crowed。
And so； with undiminished pride；
Each went on his respective road。
Ballad： A DISCONTENTED SUGAR BROKER。
A GENTLEMAN of City fame
Now claims your kind attention；
East India broking was his game；
His name I shall not mention：
No one of finely…pointed sense
Would violate a confidence；
And shall I go
And do it？ No！
His name I shall not mention。
He had a trusty wife and true；
And very cosy quarters；
A manager； a boy or two；
Six clerks； and seven porters。
A broker must be doing well
（As any lunatic can tell）
Who can employ
An active boy；
Six clerks； and seven porters。
His knocker advertised no dun；
No losses made him sulky；
He had one sorrow … only one …
He was extremely bulky。
A man must be； I beg to state；
Exceptionally fortunate
Who owns his chief
And only grief
Is … being very bulky。
〃This load；〃 he'd say； 〃I cannot bear；
I'm nineteen stone or twenty！
Henceforward I'll go in for air
And exercise in plenty。〃
Most people think that； should it come；
They can reduce a bulging tum
To measures fair
By taking air
And exercise in plenty。
In every weather； every day；
Dry； muddy； wet； or gritty；
He took to dancing all the way
From Brompton to the City。
You do not often get the chance
Of seeing sugar brokers dance
From their abode
In Fulham Road
Through Brompton to the City。
He braved the gay and guileless laugh
Of children with their nusses；
The loud uneducated chaff
Of clerks on omnibuses。
Against all minor things that rack
A nicely…balanced mind； I'll back
The noisy chaff
And ill…bred laugh
Of clerks on omnibuses。
His friends； who heard his money chink；
And saw the house he rented；
And knew his wife； could never think
What made him discontented。
It never entered their pure minds
That fads are of eccentric kinds；
Nor would they own
That fat alone
Could make one discontented。
〃Your riches know no kind of pause；
Your trade is fast advancing；
You dance … but not for joy； because
You weep as you are dancing。
To dance implies that man is glad；
To weep implies that man is sad；
But here are you
Who do the two …
You weep as you are dancing！〃
His mania soon got noised about
And into all the papers；
His size increased beyond a doubt
For all his reckless capers：
It may seem singular to you；
But all his friends admit it true …
The more he found
His figure round；
The more he cut his capers。
His bulk increased … no matter that …
He tried the more to toss it …
He never spoke of it as 〃fat；〃
But 〃adipose deposit。〃
Upon my word； it seems to me
Unpardonable vanity
（And worse than that）
To call your fat
An 〃adipose deposit。〃
At length his brawny knees gave way；
And on the carpet sinking；
Upon his shapeless back he lay
And kicked away like winking。
Instead of seeing in his state
The finger of unswerving Fate；
He laboured still
To work his will；
And kicked away like winking。
His friends； disgusted with him now；
Away in silence wended …
I hardly like to tell you how
This dreadful story ended。
The shocking sequel to impart；
I mu