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When good； he's content with escaping all blame；
When naughty； he likes to be licked。
He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed；
Or imprisoned for several days；
And hates； for a duty correctly performed；
To be slavered with sickening praise。
No officer sickened with praises his CORPS
So little as MAJOR LA GUERRE …
No officer swore at his warriors more
Than MAJOR MAKREDI PREPERE。
Their soldiers adored them； and every grade
Delighted to hear their abuse；
Though whenever these officers came on parade
They shivered and shook in their shoes。
For； oh！ if LA GUERRE could all praises withhold；
Why； so could MAKREDI PREPERE；
And； oh！ if MAKREDI could bluster and scold；
Why； so could the mighty LA GUERRE。
〃No doubt we deserve it … no mercy we crave …
Go on … you're conferring a boon；
We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave；
Than praised by a wretched poltroon！〃
MAKREDI would say that in battle's fierce rage
True happiness only was met：
Poor MAJOR MAKREDI； though fifty his age；
Had never known happiness yet！
LA GUERRE would declare； 〃With the blood of a foe
No tipple is worthy to clink。〃
Poor fellow！ he hadn't； though sixty or so；
Yet tasted his favourite drink！
They agreed at their mess … they agreed in the glass …
They agreed in the choice of their 〃set；〃
And they also agreed in adoring； alas！
The Vivandiere； pretty FILLETTE。
Agreement； you see； may be carried too far；
And after agreeing all round
For years … in this soldierly 〃maid of the bar；〃
A bone of contention they found！
It may seem improper to call such a pet …
By a metaphor； even … a bone；
But though they agreed in adoring her； yet
Each wanted to make her his own。
〃On the day that you marry her；〃 muttered PREPERE
（With a pistol he quietly played）；
〃I'll scatter the brains in your noddle； I swear；
All over the stony parade！〃
〃I cannot do THAT to you；〃 answered LA GUERRE；
〃Whatever events may befall；
But this I CAN do … IF YOU wed her； MON CHER！
I'll eat you； moustachios and all！〃
The rivals； although they would never engage；
Yet quarrelled whenever they met；
They met in a fury and left in a rage；
But neither took pretty FILLETTE。
〃I am not afraid；〃 thought MAKREDI PREPERE：
〃For country I'm ready to fall；
But nobody wants； for a mere Vivandiere；
To be eaten； moustachios and all！
〃Besides； though LA GUERRE has his faults； I'll allow
He's one of the bravest of men：
My goodness！ if I disagree with him now；
I might disagree with him then。〃
〃No coward am I；〃 said LA GUERRE； 〃as you guess …
I sneer at an enemy's blade；
But I don't want PREPERE to get into a mess
For splashing the stony parade！〃
One day on parade to PREPERE and LA GUERRE
Came CORPORAL JACOT DEBETTE；
And trembling all over； he prayed of them there
To give him the pretty FILLETTE。
〃You see； I am willing to marry my bride
Until you've arranged this affair；
I will blow out my brains when your honours decide
Which marries the sweet Vivandiere！〃
〃Well； take her；' said both of them in a duet
（A favourite form of reply）；
〃But when I am ready to marry FILLETTE。
Remember you've promised to die！〃
He married her then： from the flowery plains
Of existence the roses they cull：
He lived and he died with his wife； and his brains
Are reposing in peace in his skull。
Ballad： EMILY； JOHN； JAMES； AND I。 A DERBY LEGEND。
EMILY JANE was a nursery maid；
JAMES was a bold Life Guard；
JOHN was a constable； poorly paid
（And I am a doggerel bard）。
A very good girl was EMILY JANE；
JIMMY was good and true；
JOHN was a very good man in the main
（And I am a good man too）。
Rivals for EMMIE were JOHNNY and JAMES；
Though EMILY liked them both；
She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims
（And I couldn't take my oath）。
But sooner or later you're certain to find
Your sentiments can't lie hid …
JANE thought it was time that she made up her mind
（And I think it was time she did）。
Said JANE； with a smirk； and a blush on her face；
〃I'll promise to wed the boy
Who takes me to…morrow to Epsom Race！〃
（Which I would have done； with joy）。
From JOHNNY escaped an expression of pain；
But Jimmy said； 〃Done with you！
I'll take you with pleasure； my EMILY JANE！〃
（And I would have said so too）。
JOHN lay on the ground； and he roared like mad
（For JOHNNY was sore perplexed）；
And he kicked very hard at a very small lad
（Which I often do； when vexed）。
For JOHN was on duty next day with the Force；
To punish all Epsom crimes；
Young people WILL cross when they're clearing the course
（I do it myself； sometimes）。
* * * * * * * *
The Derby Day sun glittered gaily on cads；
On maidens with gamboge hair；
On sharpers and pickpockets； swindlers and pads；
（For I； with my harp； was there）。
And JIMMY went down with his JANE that day；
And JOHN by the collar or nape
Seized everybody who came in his way
（And I had a narrow escape）。
He noticed his EMILY JANE with JIM；
And envied the well…made elf；
And people remarked that he muttered 〃Oh； dim！〃
（I often say 〃dim！〃 myself）。
JOHN dogged them all day； without asking their leaves；
For his sergeant he told； aside；
That JIMMY and JANE were notorious thieves
（And I think he was justified）。
But JAMES wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork；
And JENNY would blush with shame
At stealing so much as a bottle or cork
（A bottle I think fair game）。
But； ah！ there's another more serious crime！
They wickedly strayed upon
The course； at a critical moment of time
（I pointed them out to JOHN）。
The constable fell on the pair in a crack …
And then； with a demon smile；
Let JENNY cross over； but sent JIMMY back
（I played on my harp the while）。
Stern JOHNNY their agony loud derides
With a very triumphant sneer …
They weep and they wail from the opposite sides
（And I shed a silent tear）。
And JENNY is crying away like mad；
And JIMMY is swearing hard；
And JOHNNY is looking uncommonly glad
（And I am a doggerel bard）。
But JIMMY he ventured on crossing again
The scenes of our Isthmian Games …
JOHN caught him； and collared him； giving him pain
（I felt very much for JAMES）。
JOHN led him away with a victor's hand；
And JIMMY was shortly seen
In the station…house under the grand Grand Stand
（As many a time I'VE been）。
And JIMMY； bad boy； was imprisoned for life；
Though EMILY pleaded hard；
And JOHNNY had EMILY JANE to wife
（And I am a doggerel bard）。
Ballad： THE PERILS OF INVISIBILITY。
OLD PETER led a wretched life …
Old PETER had a furious wife；
Old PETER too was truly stout；
He measured several yards about。
The little fairy PICKLEKIN
One summer afternoon looked in；
And said； 〃Old PETER； how de do？
Can I do anything for you？
〃I have three gifts … t