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〃It's my misfortune … not my fault;〃
With tear and trembling lip …
In vain poor CAPEL begged and begged。
〃A man must be completely legged
Who rules a British ship。〃
So spake the stern First Lord aloud …
He was a wag; though very proud;
And much rejoiced to say;
〃You're only half a captain now …
And so; my worthy friend; I vow
You'll only get half…pay!〃
Ballad: ANNIE PROTHEROE。 A LEGEND OF STRATFORD…LE…BOW。
OH! listen to the tale of little ANNIE PROTHEROE。
She kept a small post…office in the neighbourhood of BOW;
She loved a skilled mechanic; who was famous in his day …
A gentle executioner whose name was GILBERT CLAY。
I think I hear you say; 〃A dreadful subject for your rhymes!〃
O reader; do not shrink … he didn't live in modern times!
He lived so long ago (the sketch will show it at a glance)
That all his actions glitter with the lime…light of Romance。
In busy times he laboured at his gentle craft all day …
〃No doubt you mean his Cal…craft;〃 you amusingly will say …
But; no … he didn't operate with common bits of string;
He was a Public Headsman; which is quite another thing。
And when his work was over; they would ramble o'er the lea;
And sit beneath the frondage of an elderberry tree;
And ANNIE'S simple prattle entertained him on his walk;
For public executions formed the subject of her talk。
And sometimes he'd explain to her; which charmed her very much;
How famous operators vary very much in touch;
And then; perhaps; he'd show how he himself performed the trick;
And illustrate his meaning with a poppy and a stick。
Or; if it rained; the little maid would stop at home; and look
At his favourable notices; all pasted in a book;
And then her cheek would flush … her swimming eyes would dance with
joy
In a glow of admiration at the prowess of her boy。
One summer eve; at supper…time; the gentle GILBERT said
(As he helped his pretty ANNIE to a slice of collared head);
〃This reminds me I must settle on the next ensuing day
The hash of that unmitigated villain PETER GRAY。〃
He saw his ANNIE tremble and he saw his ANNIE start;
Her changing colour trumpeted the flutter at her heart;
Young GILBERT'S manly bosom rose and sank with jealous fear;
And he said; 〃O gentle ANNIE; what's the meaning of this here?〃
And ANNIE answered; blushing in an interesting way;
〃You think; no doubt; I'm sighing for that felon PETER GRAY:
That I was his young woman is unquestionably true;
But not since I began a…keeping company with you。〃
Then GILBERT; who was irritable; rose and loudly swore
He'd know the reason why if she refused to tell him more;
And she answered (all the woman in her flashing from her eyes)
〃You mustn't ask no questions; and you won't be told no lies!
〃Few lovers have the privilege enjoyed; my dear; by you;
Of chopping off a rival's head and quartering him too!
Of vengeance; dear; to…morrow you will surely take your fill!〃
And GILBERT ground his molars as he answered her; 〃I will!〃
Young GILBERT rose from table with a stern determined look;
And; frowning; took an inexpensive hatchet from its hook;
And ANNIE watched his movements with an interested air …
For the morrow … for the morrow he was going to prepare!
He chipped it with a hammer and he chopped it with a bill;
He poured sulphuric acid on the edge of it; until
This terrible Avenger of the Majesty of Law
Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw。
And ANNIE said; 〃O GILBERT; dear; I do not understand
Why ever you are injuring that hatchet in your hand?'
He said; 〃It is intended for to lacerate and flay
The neck of that unmitigated villain PETER GRAY!〃
〃Now; GILBERT;〃 ANNIE answered; 〃wicked headsman; just beware …
I won't have PETER tortured with that horrible affair;
If you appear with that; you may depend you'll rue the day。〃
But GILBERT said; 〃Oh; shall I?〃 which was just his nasty way。
He saw a look of anger from her eyes distinctly dart;
For ANNIE was a woman; and had pity in her heart!
She wished him a good evening … he answered with a glare;
She only said; 〃Remember; for your ANNIE will be there!〃
* * * * * * * *
The morrow GILBERT boldly on the scaffold took his stand;
With a vizor on his face and with a hatchet in his hand;
And all the people noticed that the Engine of the Law
Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw。
The felon very coolly loosed his collar and his stock;
And placed his wicked head upon the handy little block。
The hatchet was uplifted for to settle PETER GRAY;
When GILBERT plainly heard a woman's voice exclaiming; 〃Stay!〃
'Twas ANNIE; gentle ANNIE; as you'll easily believe。
〃O GILBERT; you must spare him; for I bring him a reprieve;
It came from our Home Secretary many weeks ago;
And passed through that post…office which I used to keep at Bow。
〃I loved you; loved you madly; and you know it; GILBERT CLAY;
And as I'd quite surrendered all idea of PETER GRAY;
I quietly suppressed it; as you'll clearly understand;
For I thought it might be awkward if he came and claimed my hand。
〃In anger at my secret (which I could not tell before);
To lacerate poor PETER GRAY vindictively you swore;
I told you if you used that blunted axe you'd rue the day;
And so you will; young GILBERT; for I'll marry PETER GRAY!〃
'AND SO SHE DID。
Ballad: AN UNFORTUNATE LIKENESS。
I'VE painted SHAKESPEARE all my life …
〃An infant〃 (even then at 〃play〃!)
〃A boy;〃 with stage…ambition rife;
Then 〃Married to ANN HATHAWAY。〃
〃The bard's first ticket night〃 (or 〃ben。〃);
His 〃First appearance on the stage;〃
His 〃Call before the curtain〃 … then
〃Rejoicings when he came of age。〃
The bard play…writing in his room;
The bard a humble lawyer's clerk。
The bard a lawyer (3) … parson (4) … groom (5) …
The bard deer…stealing; after dark。
The bard a tradesman (6) … and a Jew (7) …
The bard a botanist (8) … a beak (9) …
The bard a skilled musician (10) too …
A sheriff (11) and a surgeon (12) eke!
Yet critics say (a friendly stock)
That; though it's evident I try;
Yet even I can barely mock
The glimmer of his wondrous eye!
One morning as a work I framed;
There passed a person; walking hard:
〃My gracious goodness;〃 I exclaimed;
〃How very like my dear old bard!
〃Oh; what a model he would make!〃
I rushed outside … impulsive me! …
〃Forgive the liberty I take;
But you're so very〃 … 〃Stop!〃 said he。
〃You needn't waste your breath or time; …
I know what you are going to say; …
That you're an artist; and that I'm
Remarkably like SHAKESPEARE。 Eh?
〃You wish that I would sit to you?〃
I clasped him madly round the waist;
And breathlessly replied; 〃I do!〃
〃All right;〃 said he; 〃but please make haste。〃
I led him by his hallowed sleeve;
And worked away at him apace;
I painted him till dewy eve; …
There never was a nobler face!