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a face illumined-第82章

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His mind and taste had been fostered with untiring care; and yet

every new development praised as unstintedly as if all were of

native growth。  Fortunately he abounded in virile force and good

sense; and so gradually passed from self…complacency and conceit

to the self…reliance and courage of a strong man; who; while aware

of his ability and vantage…ground; also recognizes the fact that

nothing can take the place of skillfully directed industry in

well…defined directions。  The confidence that had been created by

the favorable conditions of his lot had been increased far more

by the knowledge that he could go out into the world and hold his

own among men on the common ground of hard work and innate strength。

He expected esteem; respectful courtesyand even admirationas

a matter of course。  They were in part his birthright and partly

the result of his own achievement; and he received them as quietly

as his customary income。  Their presence was like his excellent

health; to which he scarcely gave a thought; but their withdrawal

would have affected him keenly; although he had never considered

the possibility of such a thing。



What in him was confidence and self…reliance had been in Ida little

else than vanity and pride; and these; circumstances had enabled

him to wound unto death。  He had; from the first; calmly and

philosophically recognized the fact that he must break down; in

part; the Chinese wall of her self…approval; before any elevating

ideas and ennobling impulses could enter; and as much through

unforeseen events as by his effort; this had been done to a degree

that threatened results that appalled him。  He had been taught

thoroughly that faulty and ignorant as she undoubtedly was; she

was by no means shallow or weak。  To his mind the depth of her

despondency was the measure of her power to realize her imperfection;

for he now supposed her depression was caused immediately by the

fact that she had been so harshly misjudged; but in the main because

of her resemblance to the flower he had tossed away and which he now

remembered; with deep satisfaction; was in his note…book; ready to

aid in the reassuring and encouraging work upon which he was eager

to enter。



He did not dream that by tactics the reverse of those pursued by

her numerous admirers he had won her heart; and that the apparent

hopelessness of her passion had outweighed all other burdens。



Her kindest sentiment towards him; he believed; was the cold respect;

mingled with fear and dislike; in which a sever but honest critic

is sometimes held; and as he recalled his course towards her he

now felt that she had little reason for even this degree of regard。

He had awakened her sleeping mind not to an atmosphere of kindness

and sympathy like that in which the beauty in the fabled castle

had revived; but to a biting frost of harsh criticism and unjust

suspicion。  That there seemed; at the time; good reason for these

on his part did not make it any easier for her to bear them;

and in the fact that he had so misunderstood and wronged her; his

confidence in his own sagacity received the severest shock it had

ever experienced。  He felt that he could never go forward in life

with his old assured tread and manner。



Moreover the kindness and respect which he now proposed to show

Ida were caused more by compunction and fear than by any warmer

and friendlier motive。  He wished to make amends for his injustice;

to reassure the girl; to smooth over matters and extricate himself

from his fateful office of critic。  This experimenting with human

souls for artistic purposes was a much more serious matter than

he could have imagined。  He had entered upon it as a part of his

summer recreation; but had found himself playing with forces that

had well…nigh destroyed him as well as the subject of his fancied

skill。  Hereafter he proposed to illumine faces with thought;

feeling; and spiritual beauty on canvas only; so that; in case he

should become discouraged or disgusted with his efforts and throw

the work aside; there might be no such tragic protest as Ida

Mayhew had almost offered。  While he pitied; and now in a certain

sense respected her; she filled him with the uncomfortable dread

and nervous apprehension which rash and unbalanced natures always

inspire。  The charge he had given Stanton revealed his opinion。

She was one who must be watched over; not with the tender care and

sympathy that he hoped to bestow on Jennie Burton; but with kind;

yet firm and wary vigilance; in order to prevent action dangerous

both to herself and others; and a heavy; anxious task he believed

such care would be。



His aim was not to heal the wounds he had made by a decided

manifestation of kindness and respect which should be as sincere

as possible in view of his knowledge of her faults; and if her

present good impulses were anything more than passing moods; to

encourage them; as far as he could; and then retire from the scene

as soon as circumstances permitted。  He had been too thoroughly

frightened to wish to continue in the role of a spiritual reformer;

and he had a growing perception that; with his present motive and

knowledge; the work was infinitely beyond him。  He began to fear

that he was like certain physicians; whose skill consists chiefly

in their power to aggravate disease rather than to cure it。  He

had found Ida a vain; silly girl; apparently。  He had parted the

previous evening from a desperate woman; capable of self…destruction;

and her letter inseparably linked him with the marvellous change。

Thus he gained the uneasy impression that there was too much

nitro…glycerine in human nature in general; and in Ida Mayhew in

particular; for him to use such material in working out metaphysical

and artistic problems。



At the end of his long morning walk he concluded:



〃Poor child! after her eyes were opened she could not help seeing

a great deal that was exceedingly depressing。  In regard to her

parents; she is far worse off than if orphaned。  In regard to herself;

she finds that her best years are gone; and she has neither culture

of mind nor heartthat her beauty is but a mask that cannot long

conceal the enduring imperfection and deformity of her character。

She associates these discoveries with me because I first disturbed

her vanity; but the beauty of Jennie Burton's life; the dastardly

behavior of Sibley; and the deep humiliation received through him;

with other circumstances; have all combined to bring about the

revelation。  And yet; confound it all! I did act the stupid Pharisee

on several occasions; and I might as well own it both to her and

myself。  A Pharisee is a fool 'per se。' Well; I'm sorry to say; her

outlook for life is dark at best; even if she were not so fearfully

rash and unbalanced。  As it is I expect to hear some sad story of

Ida Mayhew before many years pass。  I'll try to brighten a few days

for her; however; before I go to town; and then the farth
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