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〃But my reflections during that time of mourning turned on loftier themes。 The grandeur of pagan philosophy attracted me； and for a while I became a convert。 In my efforts to discover new rights for man； I thought that with the aid of modern thought I could penetrate further into the questions to which those old…world systems of philosophy had furnished solutions。
〃Epicurus permitted suicide。 Was it not the natural outcome of his system of ethics？ The gratification of the senses was to be obtained at any cost； and when this became impossible； the easiest and best course was for the animate being to return to the repose of inanimate nature。 Happiness； or the hope of happiness； was the one end for which man existed； for one who suffered； and who suffered without hope； death ceased to be an evil； and became a good； and suicide became a final act of wisdom。 This act Epicurus neither blamed nor praised； he was content to say as he poured a libation to Bacchus； 'As for death； there is nothing in death to move our laughter or our tears。'
〃With a loftier morality than that of the Epicureans； and a sterner sense of man's duties； Zeno and the Stoic philosophers prescribed suicide in certain cases to their followers。 They reasoned thus： Man differs from the brute in that he has the sovereign right to dispose of his person； take away this power of life and death over himself and he becomes the plaything of fate； the slave of other men。 Rightly understood； this power of life and death is a sufficient counterpoise for all the ills of life； the same power when conferred upon another； upon his fellow…man； leads to tyranny of every kind。 Man has no power whatever unless he has unlimited freedom of action。 Suppose that he has been guilty of some irreparable error； from the shameful consequences of which there is no escape； a sordid nature swallows down the disgrace and survives it； the wise man drinks the hemlock and dies。 Suppose that the remainder of life is to be one constant struggle with the gout which racks our bones； or with a gnawing and disfiguring cancer； the wise man dismisses quacks； and at the proper moment bids a last farewell to the friends whom he only saddens by his presence。 Or another perhaps has fallen alive into the hands of the tyrant against whom he fought。 What shall he do？ The oath of allegiance is tendered to him； he must either subscribe or stretch out his neck to the executioner； the fool takes the latter course； the coward subscribes； the wise man strikes a last blow for libertyin his own heart。 'You who are free；' the Stoic was wont to say； 'know then how to preserve your freedom！ Find freedom from your own passions by sacrificing them to duty； freedom from the tyranny of mankind by pointing to the sword or the poison which will put you beyond their reach； freedom from the bondage of fate by determining the point beyond which you will endure it no longer； freedom from physical fear by learning how to subdue the gross instinct which causes so many wretches to cling to life。'
〃After I had unearthed this reasoning from among a heap of ancient philosophical writings； I sought to reconcile it with Christian teachings。 God has bestowed free…will upon us in order to require of us an account hereafter before the Throne of Judgment。 'I will plead my cause there！' I said to myself。 But such thoughts as these led me to think of a life after death； and my old shaken beliefs rose up before me。 Human life grows solemn when all eternity hangs upon the slightest of our decisions。 When the full meaning of this thought is realized； the soul becomes conscious of something vast and mysterious within itself； by which it is drawn towards the Infinite； the aspect of all things alters strangely。 From this point of view life is something infinitely great and infinitely little。 The consciousness of my sins had never made me think of heaven so long as hope remained to me on earth； so long as I could find a relief for my woes in work and in the society of other men。 I had meant to make the happiness of a woman's life； to love； to be the head of a family； and in this way my need of expiation would have been satisfied to the full。 This design had been thwarted； but yet another way had remained to me；I would devote myself henceforward to my child。 But after these two efforts had failed； and scorn and death had darkened my soul for ever； when all my feelings had been wounded and nothing was left to me here on earth； I raised my eyes to heaven； and beheld God。
〃Yet still I tried to obtain the sanction of religion for my death。 I went carefully through the Gospels； and found no passage in which suicide was forbidden； but during the reading； the divine thought of Christ； the Saviour of men dawned in me。 Certainly He had said nothing about the immortality of the soul； but He had spoken of the glorious kingdom of His Father； He had nowhere forbidden parricide； but He condemned all that was evil。 The glory of His evangelists； and the proof of their divine mission； is not so much that they made laws for the world； but that they spread a new spirit abroad； and the new laws were filled with this new spirit。 The very courage which a man displays in taking his own life seemed to me to be his condemnation； so long as he felt that he had within himself sufficient strength to die by his own hands； he ought to have had strength enough to continue the struggle。 To refuse to suffer is a sign of weakness rather than of courage； and； moreover； was it not a sort of recusance to take leave of life in despondency； an abjuration of the Christian faith which is based upon the sublime words of Jesus Christ： 'Blessed are they that mourn。'
〃So； in any case； suicide seemed to me to be an unpardonable error； even in the man who； through a false conception of greatness of soul； takes his life a few moments before the executioner's axe falls。 In humbling himself to the death of the cross； did not Jesus Christ set for us an example of obedience to all human laws； even when carried out unjustly？ The word RESIGNATION engraved upon the cross； so clear to the eyes of those who can read the sacred characters in which it is traced； shone for me with divine brightness。
〃I still had eighty thousand francs in my possession； and at first I meant to live a remote and solitary life； to vegetate in some country district for the rest of my days； but misanthropy is no Catholic virtue； and there is a certain vanity lurking beneath the hedgehog's skin of the misanthrope。 His heart does not bleed； it shrivels； and my heart bled from every vein。 I thought of the discipline of the Church； the refuge that she affords to sorrowing souls； understood at last the beauty of a life of prayer in solitude； and was fully determined to 'enter religion；' in the grand old phrase。 So far my intentions were firmly fixed； but I had not yet decided on the best means of carrying them out。 I realized the remains of my fortune； and set forth on my journey with an almost tranquil mind。 PEACE IN GOD was a hope that could never fail me。
〃I felt drawn to the rule of Saint Bruno； and made the journey to the Grande Chartreuse on foot； absorbed in solemn thoughts。 That was a memorable day。 I was not