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it is the heavier。 He in whom I have put my trust； and of whom you can feel no jealousy； has joined our lives together； and He puts them asunder according to His will。 I have seen that your religious beliefs were not founded upon the pure and living faith which alone enables us to bear our woes here below。 Monsieur； if God will vouchsafe to hear my fervent and ceaseless prayers； He will cause His light to shine in your soul。 Farewell； you who should have been my guide； you whom once I had the right to call 〃my beloved；〃 no one can reproach me if I pray for you still。 God orders our days as it pleases Him。 Perhaps you may be the first whom He will call to himself； but if I am left alone in the world； then； monsieur； intrust the care of the child to me。'
〃This letter； so full of generous sentiments； disappointed my hopes；〃 Benassis resumed； 〃so that at first I could think of nothing but my misery； afterwards I welcomed the balm which； in her forgetfulness of self； she had tried to pour into my wounds； but in my first despair I wrote to her somewhat bitterly：
〃Mademoisellethat word alone will tell you that at your bidding I renounce you。 There is something indescribably sweet in obeying one we love； who puts us to the torture。 You are right。 I acquiesce in my condemnation。 Once I slighted a girl's devotion； it is fitting； therefore； that my love should be rejected to…day。 But I little thought that my punishment was to be dealt to me by the woman at whose feet I had laid my life。 I never expected that such harshness； perhaps I should say； such rigid virtue； lurked in a heart that seemed to be so loving and so tender。 At this moment the full strength of my love is revealed to me； it has survived the most terrible of all trials； the scorn you have shown for me by severing without regret the ties that bound us。 Farewell for ever。 There still remains to me the proud humility of repentance； I will find some sphere of life where I can expiate the errors to which you； the mediator between Heaven and me； have shown no mercy。 Perhaps God may be less inexorable。 My sufferings； sufferings full of the thought of you； shall be the penance of a heart which will never be healed； which will bleed in solitude。 For a wounded heartshadow and silence。
〃 'No other image of love shall be engraven on my heart。 Though I am not a woman； I feel as you felt that when I said 〃I love you；〃 it was a vow for life。 Yes； the words then spoken in the ear of 〃my beloved〃 were not a lie； you would have a right to scorn me if I could change。 I shall never cease to worship you in my solitude。 In spite of the gulf set between us； you will still be the mainspring of all my actions； and all the virtues are inspired by penitence and love。 Though you have filled my heart with bitterness； I shall never have bitter thoughts of you； would it not be an ill beginning of the new tasks that I have set myself if I did not purge out all the evil leaven from my soul？ Farewell； then； to the one heart that I love in the world； a heart from which I am cast out。 Never has more feeling and more tenderness been expressed in a farewell； for is it not fraught with the life and soul of one who can never hope again； and must be henceforth as one dead？ 。 。 。 Farewell。 May peace be with you； and may all the sorrow of our lot fall to me！' 〃
Benassis and Genestas looked at each other for a moment after reading the two letters； each full of sad thoughts； of which neither spoke。
〃As you see； this is only a rough copy of my last letter；〃 said Benassis； 〃it is all that remains to me to…day of my blighted hopes。 When I had sent the letter； I fell into an indescribable state of depression。 All the ties that hold one to life were bound together in the hope of wedded happiness； which was henceforth lost to me for ever。 I had to bid farewell to the joys of a permitted and acknowledged love； to all the generous ideas that had thronged up from the depths of my heart。 The prayers of a penitent soul that thirsted for righteousness and for all things lovely and of good report； had been rejected by these religious people。 At first； the wildest resolutions and most frantic thoughts surged through my mind； but happily for me the sight of my son brought self…control。 I felt all the more strongly drawn towards him for the misfortunes of which he was the innocent cause； and for which I had in reality only myself to blame。 In him I found all my consolation。
〃At the age of thirty…four I might still hope to do my country noble service。 I determined to make a name for myself； a name so illustrious that no one should remember the stain on the birth of my son。 How many noble thoughts I owe to him！ How full a life I led in those days while I was absorbed in planning out his future！ I feel stifled；〃 cried Benassis。 〃All this happened eleven years ago； and yet to this day； I cannot bear to think of that fatal year。 。 。 。 My child died； sir； I lost him！〃
The doctor was silent； and hid his face in his hands； when he was somewhat calmer he raised his head again； and Genestas saw that his eyes were full of tears。
〃At first it seemed as if this thunderbolt had uprooted me；〃 Benassis resumed。 〃It was a blow from which I could only expect to recover after I had been transplanted into a different soil from that of the social world in which I lived。 It was not till some time afterwards that I saw the finger of God in my misfortunes； and later still that I learned to submit to His will and to hearken to His voice。 It was impossible that resignation should come to me all at once。 My impetuous and fiery nature broke out in a final storm of rebellion。
〃It was long before I brought myself to take the only step befitting a Catholic； indeed； my thoughts ran on suicide。 This succession of misfortunes had contributed to develop melancholy feelings in me； and I deliberately determined to take my own life。 It seemed to me that it was permissible to take leave of life when life was ebbing fast。 There was nothing unnatural； I thought about suicide。 The ravages of mental distress affected the soul of man in the same way that acute physical anguish affected the body； and an intelligent being； suffering from a moral malady； had surely a right to destroy himself； a right he shares with the sheep； that； fallen a victim to the 'staggers；' beats its head against a tree。 Were the soul's diseases in truth more readily cured than those of the body？ I scarcely think so； to this day。 Nor do I know which is the more craven soulhe who hopes even when hope is no longer possible； or he who despairs。 Death is the natural termination of a physical malady； and it seemed to me that suicide was the final crisis in the sufferings of a mind diseased； for it was in the power of the will to end them when reason showed that death was preferable to life。 So it is not the pistol； but a thought that puts an end to our existence。 Again； when fate may suddenly lay us low in the midst of a happy life； can we be blamed for ourselves refusing to bear a life of misery？
〃But my reflections during that time of mourning turned on loftier themes。 The grandeur of pagan philosophy attracted me； and for a while I became a convert。 In my efforts to disco