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the country doctor-第62章

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gid politeness characteristic of those exclusive people who never forsake those whom they have once admitted to their friendship。 As time went on they welcomed me almost as one of the family; this mark of their esteem was won by my behavior in the matter。 In spite of my passionate love; I did nothing that could lower me in my own eyes; I did not cringe; I paid no court to those upon whom my fate depended; before all things I showed myself a man; and not other than I really was。 When I was well known to them; my old friend; who was as desirous as I myself that my life of melancholy loneliness should come to an end; spoke of my hopes and met with a favorable reception; but with the diplomatic shrewdness which is almost a second nature with men of the world; he was silent with regard to an error of my youth; as he termed it。 He was anxious to bring about a 'satisfactory marriage' for me; an expression that makes of so solemn an act a business transaction in which husband and wife endeavor to cheat each other。 In his opinion; the existence of my child would excite a moral repugnance; in comparison with which the question of money would be as nought; and the whole affair would be broken off at once; and he was right。

〃 'It is a matter which will be very easily settled between you and your wife; it will be easy to obtain her full and free forgiveness;' he said。

〃In short; he tried to silence my scruples; and all the insidious arguments that worldly wisdom could suggest were brought to bear upon me to this end。 I will confess to you; sir; that in spite of my promise; my first impulse was to act straightforwardly and to make everything known to the head of the family; but the thought of his uncompromising sternness made me pause; and the probable consequences of the confession appalled me; my courage failed; I temporized with my conscience; I determined to wait until I was sufficiently sure of the affection of the girl I hoped to win; before hazarding my happiness by the terrible confession。 My resolution to acknowledge everything openly; at a convenient season; vindicated the sophistries of worldly wisdom and the sagacity of my old friend。 So the young girl's parents received me as their future son…in…law without; as yet; taking their friends into their confidence。

〃An infinite discretion is the distinguishing quality of pious families; they are reticent about everything; even about matters of no importance。 You would not believe; sir; how this sedate gravity and reserve; pervading every least action; deepens the current of feeling and thought。 Everything in that house was done with some useful end in view; the women spent their leisure time in making garments for the poor; their conversation was never frivolous; laughter was not banished; but there was a kindly simplicity about their merriment。 Their talk had none of the piquancy which scandal and ill…natured gossip give to the conversation of society; only the father and uncle read the newspapers; even the most harmless journal contains references to crimes or to public evils; and she whom I hoped to win had never cast her eyes over their sheets。 How strange it was; at first; to listen to these orthodox people! But in a little while; the pure atmosphere left the same impression upon the soul that subdued colors give to the eyes; a sense of serene repose and of tranquil peace。

〃To a superficial observer; their life would have seemed terribly monotonous。 There was something chilling about the appearance of the interior of the house。 Day after day I used to see everything; even the furniture in constant use; always standing in the same place; and this uniform tidiness pervaded the smallest details。 Yet there was something very attractive about their household ways。 I had been used to the pleasures of variety; to the luxury and stir of life in Paris; it was only when I had overcome my first repugnance that I saw the advantages of this existence; how it lent itself to continuity of thought and to involuntary meditation; how a life in which the heart has undisturbed sway seems to widen and grow vast as the sea。 It is like the life of the cloister; where the outward surroundings never vary; and thought is thus compelled to detach itself from outward things and to turn to the infinite that lies within the soul!

〃For a man as sincerely in love as I was; the silence and simplicity of the life; the almost conventual regularity with which the same things are done daily at the same hours; only deepened and strengthened love。 In that profound calm the interest attaching to the least action; word; or gesture became immense。 I learned to know that; in the interchange of glances and in answering smiles; there lies an eloquence and a variety of language far beyond the possibilities of the most magnificent of spoken phrases; that when the expression of the feelings is spontaneous and unforced; there is no idea; no joy nor sorrow that cannot thus be communicated by hearts that understand each other。 How many times I have tried to set forth my soul in my eyes or on my lips; compelled at once to speak and to be silent concerning my passion; for the young girl who; in my presence; was always serene and unconscious had not been informed of the reason of my constant visits; her parents were determined that the most important decision of her life should rest entirely with her。 But does not the presence of our beloved satisfy the utmost desire of passionate love? In that presence do we not know the happiness of the Christian who stands before God? If for me more than for any other it was torture to have no right to give expression to the impulses of my heart; to force back into its depths the burning words that treacherously wrong the yet more ardent emotions which strive to find an utterance in speech; I found; nevertheless; in the merest trifles a channel through which my passionate love poured itself forth but the more vehemently for this constraint; till every least occurrence came to have an excessive importance。

〃I beheld her; not for brief moments; but for whole hours。 There were pauses between my question and her answer; and long musings; when; with the tones of her voice lingering in my ears; I sought to divine from them the secret of her inmost thoughts; perhaps her fingers would tremble as I gave her some object of which she had been in search; or I would devise pretexts to lightly touch her dress or her hair; to take her hand in mine; to compel her to speak more than she wished; all these nothings were great events for me。 Eyes and voice and gestures were freighted with mysterious messages of love in hours of ecstasy like these; and this was the only language permitted me by the quiet maidenly reserve of the young girl before me。 Her manner towards me underwent no change; with me she was always as a sister with a brother; yet; as my passion grew; and the contrast between her glances and mine; her words and my utterance; became more striking; I felt at last that this timid silence was the only means by which she could express her feelings。 Was she not always in the salon whenever I came? Did she not stay there until my visit; expected and perhaps foreseen; was over? Did not this mute
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