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was surrounded by interesting exhibits； such as a crab； and a
scorpion； and a goat； and a chap with a bow and arrowand one
thing and another。
Such was the main design of the cover； while the contents were
made up of recognized and standard varieties in the line of jokes
and the line of diseases which alternated； with first a favorite
joke and then a favorite disease。 The author who wrote the
descriptions of the diseases was one of the most convincing writers
that ever lived anywhere。 As a realist he had no superiors among
those using our language as a vehicle for the expression of thought。
He was a wonder。 If a person wasn't particular about what ailed
him he could read any page at random and have one specific disease。
Or he could read the whole book through and have them all； in
their most advanced stages。 Then the only thing that could save
him was a large dollar bottle。
Again； in attacks of the breakbone ague or malaria it was customary
to call in a local practitioner； generally an elderly lady of the
neighborhood who had none of these latter…day prejudices regarding
the use of tobacco by the gentler sex。 One whom I distantly recall；
among childhood's happy memories； carried this liberal…mindedness
to a point where she not only dipped snuff and smoked a cob pipe；
but sometimes chewed a little natural leaf。 This lady； on being
called in； would brew up a large caldron of medicinal roots and
barks and sprouts and things； and then she would deluge the interior
of the sufferer with a large gourdful of this pleasing mixture at
regular intervals。 It was efficacious； too。 The inundated person
either got well or else he drowned from the inside。 Rocking the
patient was almost as dangerous a pastime as rocking the boat。
This also helps to explain； I think； why so many of our forebears
had floating kidneys。 There was nothing else for a kidney to do。
By the time I attained to long trousers； people in our town mainly
had outgrown the unlicensed expert and were depending more and
more upon the old…fashioned family doctorthe one with the
whisker…junglewho drove about in a gig； accompanied by a haunting
aroma of iodoform and carrying his calomel with him in bulk。
He probably owned a secret calomel mine of his own。 He must have；
otherwise he could never have afforded to be so generous with it。
He also had other medicines with him； all of them being selected
on the principle that unless a drug tasted like the very dickens
it couldn't possibly do you any good。 At all hours of the day and
night he was to be seen going to and fro； distributing nuggets
from his private lode。 He went to bed with his trousers and his
hat on； I think； and there was a general belief that his old mare
slept between the shafts of the gig； with the bridle shoved up on
her forehead。
It has been only a few years since the oldtime general practitioner
was everywhere。 Just look round and see now how the system has
changed！ If your liver begins to misconduct itself the first thought
of the modern operator is to cut it out and hide it some place where
you can't find it。 The oldtimer would have bombarded it with a
large brunette pill about the size and color of a damson plum。
Or he might put you on a diet of molasses seasoned to taste with
blue mass and quinine and other attractive condiments。 Likewise；
in the spring of the year he frequently anointed the young of the
species with a mixture of mutton suet and asafetida。 This treatment
had an effect that was distinctly depressing upon the growing boy。
It militated against his popularity。 It forced him to seek his
pleasures outdoors； and a good distance outdoors at that。
It was very hard for a boy； however naturally attractive he might
be； to retain his popularity at the fireside circle when coated
with mutton suet and asafetida and then taken into a warm room。
He attracted attention which he did not court and which was
distasteful to him。 Keeping quiet did not seem to help him any。
Even if they had been blindfolded others would still have felt his
presence。 A civit…cat suffers from the same drawbacks in a social
way； but the advantage to the civit…cat is that as a general thing
it associates only with other civit…cats。
Except in the country the old…time； catch…as…catch…can general
practitioner appears to be dying out。 In the city one finds him
occasionally； playing a limit game in an office on a back street
two dollars to come in； five to call； but the tendency of the day
is toward specialists。 Hence the expert who treats you for just
one particular thing With a pain in your chest； say； you go to a
chest specialist。 So long as he can keep the trouble confined to
your chest； all well and good。 If it slips down or slides up he
tries to coax it back to the reservation。 lf it refuses to do so；
he bids it an affectionate adieu； makes a dotted mark on you to
show where he left off； collects his bill and regretfully turns
you over to a stomach specialist or a throat specialist； depending
on the direction in which the trouble was headed when last seen。
Or； perhaps the specialist to whom you take your custom is an
advocate of an immediate operation for such cases as yours and
all others。 I may be unduly sensitive on account of having recently
emerged from the surgeon's hands； but it strikes me now that there
are an awful lot of doctors who take one brief glance at a person
who is complaining； and say to themselves that here is something
that ought to be looked into right awayand immediately open a
bag and start picking out the proper utensils。 You go into a
doctor's office and tell him you do not feel the best in the world
and he gives you a look and excuses himself； and steps into the
next room and begins greasing a saw。
Mind you； in these casual observations as compiled by me while
bedfast and here given utterance； I am not seeking to disparage
possibly the noblest of professions。 Lately I have owed much to
it。 I am strictly on the doctor's side。 He is with us when we
come into the world and with us when we go out of it； oftentimes
lending a helping hand on both occasions。 Anyway； our sympathies
should especially go out to the medical profession at this particular
time when the anti…vivisectionists are railing so loudly against
the doctors。 The anti…vivisection crusade has enlisted widely
different classes in the community； including many lovers of our
dumb…animal petsand aren't some of them the dumbest things you
ever saw！especially chow dogs and love birds。
I will admit there is something to be said on both sides of the
argument。 This dissecting of live subjects may have been carried
to extremes on occasions。 When I read in the medical journals
that the eminent Doctor Somebody succeeded in transferring the
interior department of a pelican to a pointer pup； and vice versa
with such success that the pup drowned while diving for minnows；
and the pelican went out in the back yard and barked himself to
death baying at the moon； I am interested naturally； but； possibly
because of my ignorance； I fail to see wherein the treatment of
infantile paralysis has been materially advanced