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cutting job he stropped his scalpel on his bootleg。
You see； in those primitive times germs had not been invented yet；
and so he did not have to take any steps to avoid them。 Now we
know that loose； luxuriant whiskers are unsanitary； because they
make such fine winter quarters for germs； so； though the doctors
still wear whiskers； they do not wear them wild and waving。 In
the profession bosky whiskers are taboo； they must be landscaped。
And since it is a recognized fact that germs abhor orderliness and
straight lines they now go elsewhere to reside； and the doctor may
still retain his traditional aspect and yet be practically germproof。
Doctor X was trimmed in accordance with the ethics of the newer
school。 He had trellis whiskers。 So I went to see him at his
offices in a fashionable district； on an expensive side street。
Before reaching him I passed through the hands of a maid and a
nurse； each of whom spoke to me in a low； sorrowful tone of voice；
which seemed to indicate that there was very little hope。
I reached an inner room where Doctor X was。 He looked me over；
while I described for him as best I could what seemed to be the
matter with me； and asked me a number of intimate questions touching
on the lives； works； characters and peculiarities of my ancestors；
after which he made me stand up in front of him and take my coat
off； and he punched me hither and yon with his forefinger。 He
also knocked repeatedly on my breastbone with his knuckles； and
each time； on doing this； would apply his ear to my chest and listen
intently for a spell； afterward shaking his head in a disappointed
way。 Apparently there was nobody at home。 For quite a time he
kept on knocking； but without getting any response。
He then took my temperature and fifteen dollars； and said it was
an interesting casenot unusual exactly； but interestingand
that it called for an operation。
From the way my heart and other organs jumped inside of me at
that statement I knew at once that； no matter what he may have
thought； the premises were not unoccupied。 Naturally I inquired
how soon he meant to operate。 Personally I trusted there was no
hurry about it。 I was perfectly willing to wait for several
years； if necessary。 He smiled at my ignorance。
〃I never operate；〃 he said； 〃operating is entirely out of my line。
I am a diagnostician。〃
He was； tooI give him full credit for that。 He was a good；
keen； close diagnostician。 How did he know I had only fifteen
dollars on me？ You did not have to tell this man what you had；
or how much。 He knew without being told。
I asked whether he was acquainted with Doctor YY being a person
whom I had met casually at a club to which I belong。 Oh； yes； he
said； he knew Doctor Y。 Y was a clever man； X saidvery； very
clever； but Y specialized in the eyes； the ears； the nose and the
throat。 I gathered from what Doctor X said that any time Doctor Y
ventured below the thorax he was out of bounds and liable to be
penalized； and that if by any chance he strayed down as far as the
lungs he would call for help and back out as rapidly as possible。
This was news to me。 It would appear that these up…to…date
practitioners just go ahead and divide you up and partition you
out among themselves without saying anything to you about it。 Your
torso belongs to one man and your legs are the exclusive property
of his brother practitioner down on the next block； and so on。
You may belong to as many as half a dozen specialists； most of
whom； very possibly； are total strangers to you； and yet never
know a thing about it yourself。
It has rather the air of trespassnay； more than that； it bears
some of the aspects of unlawful entrybut I suppose it is legal。
Certainly； judging by what I am able to learn； the system is being
carried on generally。 So it must be ethical。 Anything doctors
do in a mass is ethical。 Almost anything they do singly and on
individual responsibility is unethical。 Being ethical among doctors
is practically the same thing as being a Democrat in Texas or a
Presbyterian in Scotland。
〃Y will never do for you；〃 said Doctor X； when I had rallied
somewhat from the shock of these disclosures。 〃I would suggest
that you go to Doctor Z； at such…and…such an address。 You are
exactly in Z's line。 I'll let him know that you are coming and
when； and I'll send him down my diagnosis。〃
So that same afternoon； the appointment having been made by
telephone； I went； full of quavery emotions； to Doctor Z's place。
As soon as I was inside his outer hallway； I realized that I was
nearing the presence of one highly distinguished in his profession。
A pussy…footed male attendant； in a livery that made him look like
a cross between a headwaiter and an undertaker's assistant； escorted
me through an anteroom into a reception…room； where a considerable
number of well…dressed men and women were sitting about in strained
attitudes； pretending to read magazines while they waited their
turns； but in reality furtively watching one another。
I sat down in a convenient chair； adhering fast to my hat and my
umbrella。 They were the only friends I had there and I was
determined not to lose them without a struggle。 On the wall were
many colored charts showing various portions of the human anatomy
and what ailed them。 Directly in front of me was a very thrilling
illustration； evidently copied from an oil painting； of a liver
in a bad state of repair。 I said to myself that if I had a liver
like that one I should keep it hidden from the public eyeI would
never permit it to sit for it's portrait。 Still； there is no
accounting for tastes。 I know a man who got his spleen back from
the doctors and now keeps it in a bottle of alcohol on the what…not
in the parlor； as one of his most treasured possessions； and
sometimes shows it to visitors。 He； however； is of a very saving
disposition。
Presently a lady secretary； who sat behind a roll…top desk in a
corner of the room； lifted a forefinger and silently beckoned me
to her side。 I moved over and sat down by her； she took down my
name and my age and my weight and my height； and a number of other
interesting facts that will come in very handy should anyone ever
be moved to write a complete history of my early life。 In common
with Doctor X she shared one attributeshe manifested a deep
curiosity regarding my forefatherswanted to know all about them。
I felt that this was carrying the thing too far。 I felt like
saying to her：
〃Miss or madam； so far as I know there is nothing the matter with
my ancestors of the second and third generations back； except that
they are dead。 I am not here to seek medical assistance for a
grandparent who succumbed to disappointment that time when Samuel
J。 Tilden got counted out； or for a great…grandparent who entered
into Eternal Rest very unexpectedly and in a manner entirely
uncalled for as a result of being an innocent bystander in one of
those feuds that were so popular in my native state immediately
following the Mexican War。 Leave my ancestors alone。 There is
no need of your shaking my family tree in the belief that a few
overripe patients will