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arth； to die and leave our love defenceless and forlorn； till the bright soul that smiled to ours is smothered in the earth that made it！ No！ To love is life eternal。 God； I believe in Thee！ Aid me！ Pity me！ Sinful wretch that I am； to have denied Thee！ See me on my knees before Thee！ Pity me； or let me die！
December 9th。I have been visiting the two condemned prisoners； Dawes and Bland； and praying with them。 O Lord； let me save one soul that may plead with Thee for mine！ Let me draw one being alive out of this pit！ I weepI weary Thee with my prayers； O Lord！ Look down upon me。 Grant me a sign。 Thou didst it in old times to men who were not more fervent in their supplications than am I。 So says Thy Book。 Thy Book which I believewhich I believe。 Grant me a signone little sign； O Lord！I will not see her。 I have sworn it。 Thou knowest my grief my agonymy despair。 Thou knowest why I love her。 Thou knowest how I strive to make her hate me。 Is that not a sacrifice？ I am so lonely a lonely man； with but one creature that he lovesyet； what is mortal love to Thee？ Cruel and implacable； Thou sittest in the heavens men have built for Thee； and scornest them！ Will not all the burnings and slaughters of the saints appease Thee？ Art Thou not sated with blood and tears； O God of vengeance； of wrath； and of despair！ Kind Christ； pity me。 Thou wiltfor Thou wast human！ Blessed Saviour； at whose feet knelt the Magdalen！ Divinity； who； most divine in Thy despair； called on Thy cruel God to save Theeby the memory of that moment when Thou didst deem Thyself forsakenforsake not me！ Sweet Christ； have mercy on Thy sinful servant。
I can write no more。 I will pray to Thee with my lips。 I will shriek my supplications to Thee。 I will call upon Thee so loud that all the world shall hear me； and wonder at Thy silenceunjust and unmerciful God！
December 14th。What blasphemies are these which I have uttered in my despair？ Horrible madness that has left me prostrate； to what heights of frenzy didst thou not drive my soul！ Like him of old time； who wandered among the tombs； shrieking and tearing himself； I have been possessed by a devil。 For a week I have been unconscious of aught save torture。 I have gone about my daily duties as one who in his dreams repeats the accustomed action of the day； and knows it not。 Men have looked at me strangely。 They look at me strangely now。 Can it be that my disease of drunkenness has become the disease of insanity？ Am I mad； or do I but verge on madness？ O Lord； whom in my agonies I have confessed； leave me my intellectlet me not become a drivelling spectacle for the curious to point at or to pity！ At least； in mercy； spare me a little。 Let not my punishment overtake me here。 Let her memories of me be clouded with a sense of my rudeness or my brutality； let me for ever seem to her the ungrateful ruffian I strive to show myselfbut let her not behold methat！
CHAPTER XII。
THE STRANGE BEHAVIOUR OF Mr。 NORTH。
On or about the 8th of December； Mrs。 Frere noticed a sudden and unaccountable change in the manner of the chaplain。 He came to her one afternoon； and； after talking for some time； in a vague and unconnected manner； about the miseries of the prison and the wretched condition of some of the prisoners； began to question her abruptly concerning Rufus Dawes。
〃I do not wish to think of him；〃 said she； with a shudder。 〃I have the strangest； the most horrible dreams about him。 He is a bad man。 He tried to murder me when a child； and had it not been for my husband； he would have done so。 I have only seen him once since thenat Hobart Town； when he was taken。〃 〃He sometimes speaks to me of you；〃 said North； eyeing her。 〃He asked me once to give him a rose plucked in your garden。〃
Sylvia turned pale。 〃And you gave it him？〃
〃Yes； I gave it him。 Why not？〃
〃It was valueless； of course； but stillto a convict？〃
〃You are not angry？〃
〃Oh； no！ Why should I be angry？〃 she laughed constrainedly。 〃It was a strange fancy for the man to have； that's all。〃
〃I suppose you would not give me another rose； if I asked you。〃
〃Why not？〃 said she； turning away uneasily。 〃You？ You are a gentleman。〃
〃Not Iyou don't know me。〃
〃What do you mean？〃
〃I mean that it would be better for you if you had never seen me。〃
〃Mr。 North！〃 Terrified at the wild gleam in his eyes； she had risen hastily。 〃You are talking very strangely。〃
〃Oh； don't be alarmed； madam。 I am not drunk！〃he pronounced the word with a fierce energy。 〃I had better leave you。 Indeed； I think the less we see of each other the better。〃
Deeply wounded and astonished at this extraordinary outburst； Sylvia allowed him to stride away without a word。 She saw him pass through the garden and slam the little gate； but she did not see the agony on his face； or the passionate gesture with whichwhen out of eyeshot he lamented the voluntary abasement of himself before her。 She thought over his conduct with growing fear。 It was not possible that he was intoxicatedsuch a vice was the last one of which she could have believed him guilty。 It was more probable that some effects of the fever； which had recently confined him to his house； yet lingered。 So she thought； and； thinking； was alarmed to realize of how much importance the well…being of this man was to her。
The next day he met her； and； bowing； passed swiftly。 This pained her。 Could she have offended him by some unlucky word？ She made Maurice ask him to dinner； and； to her astonishment； he pleaded illness as an excuse for not coming。 Her pride was hurt； and she sent him back his books and music。 A curiosity that was unworthy of her compelled her to ask the servant who carried the parcel what the clergyman had said。 〃He said nothing only laughed。〃 Laughed！ In scorn of her foolishness！ His conduct was ungentlemanly and intemperate。 She would forget； as speedily as possible； that such a being had ever existed。 This resolution taken； she was unusually patient with her husband。
So a week passed； and Mr。 North did not return。 Unluckily for the poor wretch； the very self…sacrifice he had made brought about the precise condition of things which he was desirous to avoid。 It is possible that； had the acquaintance between them continued on the same staid footing； it would have followed the lot of most acquaintanceships of the kind other circumstances and other scenes might have wiped out the memory of all but common civilities between them； and Sylvia might never have discovered that she had for the chaplain any other feeling but that of esteem。 But the very fact of the sudden wrenching away of her soul…companion； showed her how barren was the solitary life to which she had been fated。 Her husband； she had long ago admitted； with bitter self…communings； was utterly unsuited to her。 She could find in his society no enjoyment； and for the sympathy which she needed was compelled to turn elsewhere。 She understood that his love for her had burnt itself outshe confessed； with intensity of self…degradation； that his apparent affection had been born of sensuality； and had perished in the fires it had itself kindled。 Many women have； unh