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If I let my eye look back upon me from the extreme opposite of heaven； then
this spot where I stand is in the centre of the hollow。 Alone with the sea
and sky； I presently feel all the depth and wonder of the unknown come back
surging up around； and touching me as the foam runs to my feet。 I am in it
now； not to…morrow； this moment； I cannot escape from it。 Though I may
deceive myself with labour； yet still I am in it； in sleep too。 There is no
escape from this immensity。
Feeling this by the sea； under the sun； my life enlarges and
quickens； striving to take to itself the largeness of the heaven。 The frame
cannot expand； but the soul is able to stand
before it。 No giant's body could be in proportion to the earth；
but a little spirit is equal to the entire cosmos； to earth and
ocean； sun and star…hollow。 These are but a few acres to it。
Were the cosmos twice as wide； the soul could run over it；
and return to itself in a time so small； no measure exists to mete it。
Therefore； I think the soul may sometimes find out an existence as superior
as my mind is to the dead chalk cliff。
With the great sun burning over the foamflaked sea； roofed with
heavenaware of myself； a consciousness forced on me by these
thingsI feel that thought must yet grow larger and correspond
in magnitude of conception to these。 But these cannot content
me； these Titanic things of sea； and sun； and profundity； I feel
that my thought is stronger than they are。 I burn life like a
torch。 The hot light shot back from the sea scorches my cheek
my life is burning in me。 The soul throbs like the sea for a
larger life。 No thought which I have ever had has satisfied my
soul。
CHAPTER VII
MY strength is not enough to fulfil my desire； if I had the strength of the
ocean；and of the earth； the burning vigour of the sun implanted in my limbs；
it would hardly suffice to gratify the measureless desire of life which
possesses me。 I have often walked the day long over the sward； and；
compelled
to pause； at length； in my weariness； I was full of the same eagerness with
which I started。 The sinews would obey no longer；
but the will was the same。 My frame could never take the violent exertion my
heart demanded。 Labour of body was like meat
and drink to me。 Over the open hills； up the steep ascents； mile after mile；
there was deep enjoyment in the long…drawn breath；
the spring of the foot； in the act of rapid movement。 Never have I had
enough of it； I wearied long before I was satisfied；
and weariness did not bring a cessation of desire； the thirst was still
there。 I rowed； I used the axe； I split tree…trunks with wedges； my arms
tired； but my spirit remained fresh and chafed against the physical
weariness。 My arms were not
strong enough to satisfy me with the axe； or wedges； or oars。 There was
delight in the moment； but it was not enough。 I swam；
and what is more delicious than swimming？ It is exercise and luxury at once。
But I could not swim far enough； I was always dissatisfied with myself on
leaving the water。
Nature has not given me a great frame； and had it done so I should still
have longed for more。 I was out of doors all day； and often half the night；
still I wanted more sunshine； more air； the hours were too short。 I feel
this even more now than in the violence of early youth： the hours are too
short； the day should be sixty hours long。 Slumber； too； is abbreviated and
restricted； forty hours of night and sleep would not be too much。 So little
can be accomplished in the longest summer day； so little rest and new force
is accumulated in a short eight hours of sleep。
I live by the sea now； I can see nothing of it in a day； why； I
do but get a breath of it； and the sun sinks before I have well
begun to think。 Life is so little and so mean。 I dream sometimes backwards
of the ancient times。 If I could have the bow of Ninus； and the earth full
of wild bulls and lions； to hunt them down； there would be rest in that。 To
shoot with a gun is nothing； a mere touch discharges it。 Give me a bow； that
I may enjoy the delight of feeling myself draw the string and
the strong wood bending； that I may see the rush of the arrow； and the broad
head bury itself deep in shaggy hide。 Give me an iron mace that I may crush
the savage beast and hammer him down。 A spear to thrust through with； so
that I may feel the long blade enter and the push of the shaft。 The
unwearied strength of Ninus to hunt unceasingly in the fierce sun。 Still I
should desire greater strength and a stouter bow； wilder creatures to
combat。 The intense life of the senses； there is never enough for them。 I
envy Semiramis； I would have been ten times Semiramis。 I envy Nero； because
of the great concourse of beauty he saw。 I should like to be loved by every
beautiful woman on earth； from the swart Nubian to the white and divine
Greek。
Wine is pleasant and meat refreshing； but though I own with
absolute honesty that I like them； these are the least of all。
Of these two only have I ever had enough。 The vehemence of exertion； the
vehemence of the spear； the vehemence of sunlight and life； the insatiate
desire of insatiate Semiramis； the still more insatiate desire of love；
divine and beautiful； the uncontrollable adoration of beauty； thesethese：
give me these in greater abundance than was ever known to man or woman。 The
strength of Hercules； the fulness of the senses； the richness of life； would
not in the least impair my desire of soul…life。 On the reverse； with every
stronger beat of the pulse my desire of soul…life would expand。 So it has
ever been with me； in hard exercise； in sensuous pleasure； in the embrace of
the sunlight；
even in the drinking of a glass of wine； my heart has been lifted the higher
towards perfection of soul。 Fulness of physical life causes a deeper desire
of soul…life。
Let me be physically perfect； in shape； vigour； and movement。
My frame； naturally slender； will not respond to labour； and increase in
proportion to effort； nor will exposure harden a
delicate skin。 It disappoints me so far； but my spirit rises with the
effort； and my thought opens。 This is the only profit of frost； the pleasure
of winter； to conquer cold； and to feel braced and strengthened by that
whose province it is to wither and destroy； making of cold； life's enemy；
life's renewer。 The black north wind hardens the resolution as steel is
tempered in ice…water。 It is a sensual joy； as sensuous as the warm
embrace of the sunlight； but fulness of physical life ever brings to me a
more eager desire of soul…life。
Splendid it is to feel the boat rise to the roller； or forced through by the
sail to shear the foam aside like a share； splendid to undulate as the chest
lies on the wave； swimming； the brimming ocean round： then I know and feel
its deep strong tide； its immense fulness； and the sun glowing over；
splendid to climb the steep green hill： in these I feel myself； I drink the
exquisite joy of the senses； and my soul lifts itself with them。 It is
beautiful even to watch a fine horse gallop； the long stride； the rush of
the wind as he passesmy heart beats quicker to the thud of the hoofs； and
I feel his strength。 Gladl