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and reasoned that he might get burned。 Why is it that a horse will like
one person more than another？ Because he is capable of reasoning and
knows who is the best to him。〃 I went on in this homely style and spoke
with a vehemence which said： 〃I will make my point；〃 which I did
amidst the cheers of the school。 I was eighteen at this time and you
would say： 〃You must have been rather green。〃 So I was in some
things。
I believe I have always failed in everything I undertook to do the
first time； but I learned only by experience； paid dearly for it； and valued
it afterwards。 My failures have been my best teachers。 I see no one
more awkward than I once was； but I had determined to conquer。 My
defects were the great incentives to perseverance； when I felt I was right。
I shall not in this book speak much of my love affairs； but they were；
nevertheless； an important part of my life。 I was a great lover。 I used
to think a person never could love but once in this life； but I often now
say； I would not want a heart that could hold but one love。 It was not
the beauty of face or form that was the most attractive to me in young
gentlemen； or ladies； but that of the mind。 Seeing this the case with myself；
I tried to acquire knowledge to make my company agreeable。 I see
young ladies； and gentlemen； who entertain each other with their silly
jokes and gigglings that are disgusting。 When I had company I always
directed the conversation so that my friend would teach me something； or
I would teach him。 I would read the poets； and Scott's writings and history。
Read Josephus； mythology and the Bible together； and never read a course
that taught me as much。 I would go to the country dances and sometimes
to balls in the City。 The church did not object to this： I would
teach Sunday school at the same time。 No one taught me that this was
wrong。 One thing was a tower of defense to me。 I always； when possible；
read the Bible and would pray。 After retiring would get up and kneel；
feeling that to pray in bed only； was disrespectful to God。 If the angels in
heaven would prostrate themselves before Him； I a poor sinner should。
And right here； I believe in 〃advancing on your knees。〃 Abraham prostrated
himself； so did David and Solomon； Elijah； Daniel； Paul； and even
our sinless Advocate。 Why did the Holy Ghost state the position so often？
For our example； of course。 There are no space writers in the Scriptures。
I often had doubts as to whether the Bible was the work of God or man。
I kept these doubts to myself； for I thought infidelity a disgrace。 I
wanted to believe the Bible the word of God。 I early saw that to close
the Bible was to shut out all knowledge of the purpose of life。 Without
its revelations one does not know why we are born； why we live； or
where we go after death。 We can see the purpose of all nature； but not
of this life of ours； and God had； by revelation； to make this known。
The Bible was a mystery to me。 It often seemed to be a contradiction。
I did not love to read it； but above all things； I did not want to be a
hypocrite。 I was determined to try to do my part。 I would pray for the same
thing over and over again； so as to be in earnest； and think of what I was
asking。 My mind was distracted by thoughts of the world。 I said； if
there is a God； he will not hear the prayer of those； so disrespectful as
not to think of what they ask。 I never seemed to get rid of this； unless at
times； when I would have some sorrow of heart。 〃By the sadness of the
countenance； the heart is made better。〃
I do not believe the Bible because I understand it； for there are few
things of revelation that I do understand。 Creation is a mystery； still
we know everything had a beginning。 I do not know why things grow
out of the earth。 Why they are green。 Why grass makes wool on a
sheep and hair on a cow； but I know these are facts。 I cannot understand
why or how the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses from sin； neither
do I understand that greatest of all mysteries； the new birth； but nothing
more positively a fact in my experience。
God is not perceived by the five senses。 The things that are seen
are temporal； but those that are unseen are eternal。 What a sin of presumption
to question God in any of His providences。 What God says
and does is wisdom； righteousness and power。
The book of Psalms condemned me。 I said； I never felt like David。
I cannot rejoice。 Still I felt that I ought to； but instead； a constant
feeling
of condemnation and conviction。 This was torture to me。 I would
often have been willing to have died； if I thought it would have been an
eternal sleep。 My childhood and girlhood were not happy； had so many
disappointments。 I was called 〃hard headed〃 by my parents。 I never was
free to have what I wished； something would come between me and what
I wanted。 No one understood me so well as my darling aunt Hope Hill；
my mother's sister。 She seemed to read me and would talk to me of persons
and things； answering the very cry of my heart。 My mother would
often let me stay with her for months。 She had five sons； but no daughters
and she was very fond of me。 This lesson she taught me： A party
of ladies came out from Independence to spend the day with her。 Mrs。
Woodson and a Mrs。 Porter； wife of Dr。 Porter； I remember the latter； one
of the handsomest women I ever saw； beautiful feet； hands； hair； and a
woman who knew it； and； it was a mater of the greatest pride with her；
these charms。 I was very much captivated by her splendid appearance
and could not keep my eyes from her。 Next day Mrs。 John Staton； a
country neighbor of my aunts； came in to make a visit； She was very
plain； wore a calico dress； waist…apron； and she was knitting a sock。
After she left aunt said to me： 〃Carry； you did not seem to like Mrs。
Staton's society as you did Mrs。 Porter's； but one sentence of Mrs。
Staton's is worth all Mrs。 Porter said。 Mrs。 Porter lives for this world；
Mrs。 Staton lives for God。〃 This Lesson I did not learn then； but have
since。 Oh！ for the old…fashioned women。
MY EXPERIENCE WITH SPIRITUALISM。
Just at the close of the war when we were on a farm in Cass County；
Missouri； a colony of spiritualists were near us； Mrs。 Hawkins； the
medium was about 60 years old； very peculiar； and finely educated。
My father had some farms he was selling for other people。 He took
Mrs。 Hawkins and several of her company to look at a farm with a view
of selling it。 When she saw it from a hill some distance off she said：
〃That is the place I saw in Connecticut。〃 She bought it for a town site。
In writing to Washington to give it a name； the word 〃Peculiar〃 was
selected； and so it has ever been called。 Mrs。 Hawkins took a great
fancy to me。 She would tell me of great things she had done； then say：
〃Could Jesus Christ have done more？〃 I had never heard of Spiritualism
that I knew of； up to this time。 This colony brought mechanics； merchants
and musicians with them。 I was in great confusion about this matter； not
knowing what to think； for she did some superhuman things。 Up stairs
we had a large safe full of old books。 I was looking over them one day；
came to a little book called 〃Spirituali