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it happy and （so I persuaded myself） entirely cleanseda new； a
morally reborn individual。 Despite the fact that the old
surroundings of my life now struck me as unfamiliar （even though
the rooms； the furniture； and my own figurewould to heavens
that I could have changed my outer man for the better in the same
way that I believed myself to have changed my inner Iwere the
same as before）； I remained in that comfortable attitude of mine
until the very moment of bedtime。
Yet； no sooner had I begun to grow drowsy with the conning over
of my sins than in a flash I recollected a particularly shameful
sin which I had suppressed at confession time。 Instantly the
words of the prayer before confession came back to my memory and
began sounding in my ears。 My peace was gone for ever。 〃For if
thou concealest aught； then great will be thy sin。〃 Each time
that the phrase recurred to me I saw myself a sinner for whom no
punishment was adequate。 Long did I toss from side to side as I
considered my position； while expecting every moment to be
visited with the divine wrathto be struck with sudden death；
perhaps！an insupportable thought！ Then suddenly the reassuring
thought occurred to me： 〃Why should I not drive out to the
monastery when the morning comes； and see the priest again； and
make a second confession？〃 Thereafter I grew calmer。
VII
THE EXPEDITION TO THE MONASTERY
Several times that night I woke in terror at the thought that I
might be oversleeping myself； and by six o'clock was out of bed；
although the dawn was hardly peeping in at the window。 I put on
my clothes and boots （all of which were lying tumbled and
unbrushed beside the bed； since Nicola； of course had not been in
yet to tidy them up）； and； without a prayer said or my face
washed； emerged； for the first time in my life； into the street
ALONE。
Over the way； behind the green roof of a large building； the dim；
cold dawn was beginning to blush red。 The keen frost of the
spring morning which had stiffened the pools and mud and made
them crackle under my feet now nipped my face and hands also。 Not
a cab was to be seen； though I had counted upon one to make the
journey out and home the quicker。 Only a file of waggons was
rumbling along the Arbat Prospect； and a couple of bricklayers
talking noisily together as they strode along the pavement。
However； after walking a verst or so I began to meet men and
women taking baskets to market or going with empty barrels to
fetch the day's water supply； until at length； at the cross
streets near the Arbat Gate； where a pieman had set up his stall
and a baker was just opening his shop； I espied an old cabman
shaking himself after indulging in a nap on the box of his be…
scratched old blue…painted； hobble…de…hoy wreck of a drozhki。 He
seemed barely awake as he asked twenty copecks as the fare to the
monastery and back； but came to himself a moment afterwards； just
as I was about to get in； and； touching up his horse with the
spare end of the reins； started to drive off and leave me。 〃My
horse wants feeding；〃 he growled； 〃I can't take you； barin。＇Sir＇〃
With some difficulty and a promise of FORTY copecks I persuaded
him to stop。 He eyed me narrowly as he pulled up； but
nevertheless said： 〃Very well。 Get in； barin。〃 I must confess
that I had some qualms lest he should drive me to a quiet corner
somewhere； and then rob me； but I caught hold of the collar of
his ragged driving…coat； close to where his wrinkled neck showed
sadly lean above his hunched…up back； and climbed on to the blue…
painted； curved； rickety scat。 As we set off along Vozdvizhenka
Street； I noticed that the back of the drozhki was covered with a
strip of the same greenish material as that of which his coat was
made。 For some reason or another this reassured me； and I no
longer felt nervous of being taken to a quiet spot and robbed。
The sun had risen to a good height； and was gilding the cupolas
of the churches； when we arrived at the monastery。 In the shade
the frost had not yet given； but in the open roadway muddy
rivulets of water were coursing along； and it was through fast…
thawing mire that the horse went clip…clopping his way。
Alighting； and entering the monastery grounds； I inquired of the
first monk whom I met where I could find the priest whom I was
seeking。
〃His cell is over there；〃 replied the monk as he stopped a moment
and pointed towards a little building up to which a flight of
steps led。
〃I respectfully thank you；〃 I said； and then fell to wondering
what all the monks （who at that moment began to come filing out
of the church） must be thinking of me as they glanced in my
direction。 I was neither a grown…up nor a child； while my face
was unwashed； my hair unbrushed； my clothes tumbled； and my boots
unblacked and muddy。 To what class of persons were the brethren
assigning mefor they stared at me hard enough？ Nevertheless I
proceeded in the direction which the young priest had pointed out
to me。
An old man with bushy grey eyebrows and a black cassock met me on
the narrow path to the cells； and asked me what I wanted。 For a
brief moment I felt inclined to say 〃Nothing；〃 and then run back
to the drozhki and drive away home； but； for all its beetling
brows； the face of the old man inspired confidence； and I merely
said that I wished to see the priest （whom I named）。
〃Very well； young sir； I will take you to him；〃 said the old man
as he turned round。 Clearly he had guessed my errand at a stroke。
〃The father is at matins at this moment； but he will soon be
back；〃 and； opening a door； the old man led me through a neat
hall and corridor； all lined with clean matting； to a cell。
〃Please to wait here；〃 he added； and then； with a kind；
reassuring glance； departed。
The little room in which I found myself was of the smallest
possible dimensions； but extremely neat and clean。 Its furniture
only consisted of a small table （covered with a cloth； and placed
between two equally small casement…windows； in which stood two
pots of geraniums）； a stand of ikons； with a lamp suspended in
front of them； a bench； and two chairs。 In one corner hung a wall
clock； with little flowers painted on its dial； and brass weights
to its chains； while upon two nails driven into a screen （which；
fastened to the ceiling with whitewashed pegs； probably concealed
the bed） hung a couple of cassocks。 The windows looked out upon a
whitewashed wall； about two arshins distant； and in the space
between them there grew a small lilac…bush。
Not a sound penetrated from without； and in the stillness the
measured； friendly stroke of the clock's pendulum seemed to beat
quite loudly。 The instant that I found myself alone in this calm
retreat all other thoughts and recollections left my head as
completely as though they had never been there； and I subsided
into an inexpressibly pleasing kind of torpor。 The rusty alpaca
cassocks with