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so on； until at last I can hold out four poods in each hand； and
be stronger even than a porter。 Then； if ever any one should try
to insult me or should begin to speak disrespectfully of HER； I
shall take him so； by the front of his coat； and lift him up an
arshin ＇The arshin = 2 feet 3 inches。＇ or two with one hand； and
just hold him there； so that he may feel my strength and cease
from his conduct。 Yet that too would not be right。 No； no； it
would not matter； I should not hurt him； merely show him that I〃
Let no one blame me because the dreams of my youth were as
foolish as those of my childhood and boyhood。 I am sure that；
even if it be my fate to live to extreme old age and to continue
my story with the years； I； an old man of seventy； shall be found
dreaming dreams just as impossible and childish as those I am
dreaming now。 I shall be dreaming of some lovely Maria who loves
me； the toothless old man； as she might love a Mazeppa； of some
imbecile son who； through some extraordinary chance； has suddenly
become a minister of state； of my suddenly receiving a windfall
of a million of roubles。 I am sure that there exists no human
being； no human age； to whom or to which that gracious；
consolatory power of dreaming is totally a stranger。 Yet； save
for the one general feature of magic and impossibility； the
dreams of each human being； of each age of man； have their own
distinguishing characteristics。 At the period upon which I look
as having marked the close of my boyhood and the beginning of my
youth； four leading sentiments formed the basis of my dreams。 The
first of those sentiments was love for HERfor an imaginary
woman whom I always pictured the same in my dreams； and whom I
somehow expected to meet some day and somewhere。 This she of mine
had a little of Sonetchka in her； a little of Masha as Masha
could look when she stood washing linen over the clothes…tub； and
a little of a certain woman with pearls round her fair white neck
whom I had once seen long； long ago at a theatre； in a box below
our own。 My second sentiment was a craving for love。 I wanted
every one to know me and to love me。 I wanted to be able to utter
my nameNicola Irtenieffand at once to see every one
thunderstruck at it； and come crowding round me and thanking me
for something or another； I hardly knew what。 My third sentiment
was the expectation of some extraordinary； glorious happiness
that was impendingsome happiness so strong and assured as to
verge upon ecstasy。 Indeed； so firmly persuaded was I that very；
very soon some unexpected chance would suddenly make me the
richest and most famous man in the world that I lived in
constant； tremulous expectation of this magic good fortune
befalling me。 I was always thinking to myself that 〃IT is
beginning；〃 and that I should go on thereafter to attain
everything that a man could wish for。 Consequently； I was for ever
hurrying from place to place； in the belief that 〃IT〃 must be
〃beginning〃 just where I happened not to be。 Lastly； my fourth
and principal sentiment of all was abhorrence of myself； mingled
with regretyet a regret so blended with the certain expectation
of happiness to which I have referred that it had in it nothing
of sorrow。 It seemed to me that it would be so easy and natural
for me to tear myself away from my past and to remake itto
forget all that had been； and to begin my life； with all its
relations； anewthat the past never troubled me； never clung to
me at all。 I even found a certain pleasure in detesting the past；
and in seeing it in a darker light than the true one。 This note
of regret and of a curious longing for perfection were the chief
mental impressions which I gathered from that new stage of my
growthimpressions which imparted new principles to my view of
myself； of men； and of God's world。 O good and consoling voice；
which in later days； in sorrowful days when my soul yielded
silently to the sway of life's falseness and depravity； so often
raised a sudden； bold protest against all iniquity； as well as
mercilessly exposed the past； commanded； nay； compelled； me to
love only the pure vista of the present； and promised me all that
was fair and happy in the future！ O good and consoling voice！
Surely the day will never come when you are silent？
IV
OUR FAMILY CIRCLE
PAPA was seldom at home that spring。 Yet； whenever he was so； he
seemed extraordinarily cheerful as he either strummed his
favourite pieces on the piano or looked roguishly at us and made
jokes about us all； not excluding even Mimi。 For instance； he
would say that the Tsarevitch himself had seen Mimi at the rink；
and fallen so much in love with her that he had presented a
petition to the Synod for divorce； or else that I had been
granted an appointment as secretary to the Austrian ambassador
a piece of news which he imparted to us with a perfectly grave
face。 Next； he would frighten Katenka with some spiders （of which
she was very much afraid）； engage in an animated conversation
with our friends Dubkoff and Nechludoff； and tell us and our
guests； over and over again； his plans for the year。 Although
these plans changed almost from day to day； and
were for ever contradicting one another； they seemed so
attractive that we were always glad to listen to them； and
Lubotshka； in particular； would glue her eyes to his face； so as
not to lose a single word。 One day his plan would be that he
should leave my brother and myself at the University； and go and
live with Lubotshka in Italy for two years。 Next； the plan would
be that he should buy an estate on the south coast of the Crimea；
and take us for an annual visit there； next； that we should
migrate en masse to St。 Petersburg； and so forth。 Yet； in
addition to this unusual cheerfulness of his； another change had
come over him of latea change which greatly surprised me。 This
was that he had had some fashionable clothes madean olive…
coloured frockcoat； smart trousers with straps at the sides； and
a long wadded greatcoat which fitted him to perfection。 Often；
too； there was a delightful smell of scent about him when he came
home from a partymore especially when he had been to see a lady
of whom Mimi never spoke but with a sigh and a face that seemed
to say： 〃Poor orphans！ How dreadful！ It is a good thing that SHE
is gone now！〃 and so on； and so on。 From Nicola （for Papa never
spoke to us of his gambling） I had learnt that he （Papa） had been
very fortunate in play that winter； and so had won an
extraordinary amount of money； all of which he had placed in the
bank after vowing that he would play no more that spring。
Evidently； it was his fear of being unable to resist again doing
so that was rendering him anxious to leave for the country as
soon as possible。 Indeed； he ended by deciding not to wait until
I had entered the University； but to take the girls to Petrovskoe
immediately after Easter； and to leave Woloda and myself to
follow them at