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to be studied FUNDAMENTALLY；〃 and so on； and so on。
During this speech （which was uttered with a clipped sort of
intonation） I went on staring dully at his lowered eyelids。
Beginning with a fear lest I should lose my place as third on the
list； I went on to fear lest I should pass at all。 Next； these
feelings became reinforced by a sense of injustice； injured self…
respect； and unmerited humiliation； while the contempt which I
felt for the professor as some one not quite （according to my
ideas） 〃comme il faut〃a fact which I deduced from the
shortness； strength； and roundness of his nailsflared up in me
more and more and turned all my other feelings to sheer
animosity。 Happening； presently； to glance at me； and to note my
quivering lips and tear…filled eyes； he seemed to interpret my
agitation as a desire to be accorded my marks and dismissed：
wherefore； with an air of relenting； he said （in the presence of
another professor who had just approached）：
〃Very well； I will accord you a 'pass'〃 （which signified two
marks）； 〃although you do not deserve it。 I do so simply out of
consideration for your youth； and in the hope that； when you
begin your University career； you will learn to be less light…
minded。〃
The concluding phrase； uttered in the hearing of the other
professor （who at once turned his eyes upon me； as though
remarking； 〃There！ You see； young man！〃） completed my
discomfiture。 For a moment； a mist swam before my eyesa mist in
which the terrible professor seemed to be far away； as he sat at
his table while for an instant a wild idea danced through my
brain。 〃What if I DID do such a thing？〃 I thought to myself。
〃What would come of it？〃 However； I did not do the thing in
question； but； on the contrary； made a bow of peculiar reverence
to each of the professors； and with a slight smile on my face
presumably the same smile as that with which I had derided
Ikoninturned away from the table。
This piece of unfairness affected me so powerfully at the time
that； had I been a free agent； I should have attended for no more
examinations。 My ambition was gone （since now I could not
possibly be third）； and I therefore let the other examinations
pass without any exertion； or even agitation； on my part。 In the
general list I still stood fourth； but that failed to interest
me； since I had reasoned things out to myself； and come to the
conclusion that to try for first place was stupideven 〃bad
form：〃 that； in fact； it was better to pass neither very well nor
very badly； as Woloda had done。 This attitude I decided to
maintain throughout the whole of my University career；
notwithstanding that it was the first point on which my opinion
had differed from that of my friend Dimitri。
Yet； to tell the truth； my thoughts were already turning towards
a uniform； a 〃mortar…board；〃 and the possession of a drozhki of
my own； a room of my own； and； above all； freedom of my own。 And
certainly the prospect had its charm。
XIII
I BECOME GROWN…UP
When； on May 8th； I returned home from the final； the divinity；
examination； I found my acquaintance； the foreman from
Rozonoff's； awaiting me。 He had called once before to fit me for
my gown； as well as for a tunic of glossy black cloth （the lapels
of which were； on that occasion； only sketched in chalk）； but to…
day he had come to bring me the clothes in their finished state；
with their gilt buttons wrapped in tissue paper。
Donning the garments； and finding them splendid （notwithstanding
that St。 Jerome assured me that the back of the tunic wrinkled
badly）； I went downstairs with a complacent smile which I was
powerless to banish from my face； and sought Woloda； trying the
while to affect unconsciousness of the admiring looks of the
servants； who came darting out of the hall and corridor to gaze
upon me with ravished eyes。 Gabriel； the butler； overtook me in
the salle； and； after congratulating me with much empressement；
handed me； according to instructions from my father； four bank…
notes； as well as informed me that Papa had also given orders
that； from that day forth； the groom Kuzma； the phaeton； and the
bay horse Krassavchik were to be entirely at my disposal。 I was
so overjoyed at this not altogether expected good…fortune that I
could no longer feign indifference in Gabriel's presence； but；
flustered and panting； said the first thing which came into my
head （〃Krassavchik is a splendid trotter；〃 I think it was）。 Then；
catching sight of the various heads protruding from the doors of
the hall and corridor； I felt that I could bear no more； and set
off running at full speed across the salle； dressed as I was in
the new tunic； with its shining gilt buttons。 Just as I burst
into Woloda's room； I heard behind me the voices of Dubkoff and
Nechludoff； who had come to congratulate me； as well as to
propose a dinner somewhere and the drinking of much champagne in
honour of my matriculation。 Dimitri informed me that； though he
did not care for champagne； he would nevertheless join us that
evening and drink my health； while Dubkoff remarked that I looked
almost like a colonel； and Woloda omitted to congratulate me at
all； merely saying in an acid way that he supposed we should now
i。e。 in two days timebe off into the country。 The truth was
that Woloda； though pleased at my matriculation； did not
altogether like my becoming as grown…up as himself。 St。 Jerome；
who also joined us at this moment； said in a very pompous manner
that his duties were now ended； and that； although he did not
know whether they had been well done or ill； at least he had done
his best； and must depart to…morrow to his Count's。 In replying
to their various remarks I could feel； in spite of myself； a
pleased； agreeable； faintly self…sufficient smile playing over my
countenance； as well as could remark that that smile；
communicated itself to those to whom I was speaking。
So here was I without a tutor； yet with my own private drozhki；
my name printed on the list of students； a sword and belt of my
own； and a chance of an occasional salute from officials！ In
short； I was grownup and； I suppose； happy。
Finally； we arranged to go out and dine at five o'clock； but since
Woloda presently went off to Dubkoff's； and Dimitri disappeared
in his usual fashion （saying that there was something he MUST do
before dinner）； I was left with two whole hours still at my
disposal。 For a time I walked through the rooms of the house； and
looked at myself in all the mirrorsfirstly with the tunic
buttoned； then with it unbuttoned； and lastly with only the top
button fastened。 Each time it looked splendid。 Eventually； though
anxious not to show any excess of delight； I found myself unable
to refrain from crossing over to the coach…house and stables to
gaze at Krassovchik； Kuzma； and the drozhki。 Then I returned and
once more began my tour of the rooms； where I looked at myself in
all the mirrors as