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By working on my vanity； the stranger had seduced me into declaring an
income of two hundred and fourteen thousand dollars。 By law； one
thousand dollars of this was exempt from income taxthe only relief I
could see； and it was only a drop in the ocean。 At the legal five per
cent。； I must pay to the government the sum of ten thousand six hundred
and fifty dollars； income tax！
＇I may remark； in this place； that I did not do it。＇
I am acquainted with a very opulent man； whose house is a palace； whose
table is regal； whose outlays are enormous； yet a man who has no income；
as I have often noticed by the revenue returns； and to him I went for
advice in my distress。 He took my dreadful exhibition of receipts； he
put on his glasses； he took his pen； and presto！I was a pauper！ It was
the neatest thing that ever was。 He did it simply by deftly manipulating
the bill of 〃DEDUCTIONS。〃 He set down my 〃State； national； and municipal
taxes〃 at so much； my 〃losses by shipwreck； fire； etc。；〃 at so much； my
〃losses on sales of real estate〃on 〃live stock sold〃on 〃payments for
rent of homestead〃on 〃repairs； improvements； interest〃on 〃previously
taxed salary as an officer of the United States army； navy； revenue
service；〃 and other things。 He got astonishing 〃deductions〃 out of each
and every one of these matterseach and every one of them。 And when he
was done he handed me the paper； and I saw at a glance that during the
year my income； in the way of profits； had been one thousand two hundred
and fifty dollars and forty cents。
〃Now；〃 said he； 〃the thousand dollars is exempt by law。 What you want to
do is to go and swear this document in and pay tax on the two hundred and
fifty dollars。〃
＇While he was making this speech his little boy Willie lifted a two…
dollar greenback out of his vest pocket and vanished with it； and I would
wager； anything that if my stranger were to call on that little boy to…
morrow he would make a false return of his income。＇
〃Do you；〃 said I； 〃do you always work up the 'deductions' after this
fashion in your own case； sir？〃
〃Well； I should say so！ If it weren't for those eleven saving clauses
under the head of 'Deductions' I should be beggared every year to support
this hateful and wicked； this extortionate and tyrannical government。〃
This gentleman stands away up among the very best of the solid men of the
citythe men of moral weight； of commercial integrity； of unimpeachable；
social spotlessnessand so I bowed to his example。 I went down to the
revenue office； and under the accusing eyes of my old visitor I stood up
and swore to lie after lie； fraud after fraud； villainy after villainy；
till my soul was coated inches and inches thick with perjury； and my
self…respect gone for ever and ever。
But what of it？ It is nothing more than thousands of the richest and
proudest； and most respected； honored； and courted men in America do
every year。 And so I don't care。 I am not ashamed。 I shall simply；
for the present； talk little and eschew fire…proof gloves； lest I fall
into certain dreadful habits irrevocably。
End