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has to slave his life out； fighting documents for the benefit of a nation
that never thinks of him； never sympathizes with himand all for two
thousand or three thousand dollars a year。 When I shall have completed
my list of all the clerks in the several departments； with my statement
of what they have to do； and what they get for it； you will see that
there are not half enough clerks； and that what there are do not get half
enough pay。
HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF
The following I find in a Sandwich Island paper which some friend has
sent me from that tranquil far…off retreat。 The coincidence between my
own experience and that here set down by the late Mr。 Benton is so
remarkable that I cannot forbear publishing and commenting upon the
paragraph。 The Sandwich Island paper says：
How touching is this tribute of the late Hon。 T。 H。 Benton to his
mother's influence：'My mother asked me never to use tobacco； I have
never touched it from that time to the present day。 She asked me not to
gamble； and I have never gambled。 I cannot tell who is losing in games
that are being played。 She admonished me； too； against liquor…drinking；
and whatever capacity for endurance I have at present； and whatever
usefulness I may have attained through life； I attribute to having
complied with her pious and correct wishes。 When I was seven years of
age she asked me not to drink； and then I made a resolution of total
abstinence； and that I have adhered to it through all time I owe to my
mother。〃
I never saw anything so curious。 It is almost an exact epitome of my own
moral careerafter simply substituting a grandmother for a mother。 How
well I remember my grandmother's asking me not to use tobacco； good old
soul！ She said； 〃You're at it again； are you； you whelp？ Now don't ever
let me catch you chewing tobacco before breakfast again； or I lay I'll
blacksnake you within an inch of your life！〃 I have never touched it at
that hour of the morning from that time to the present day。
She asked me not to gamble。 She whispered and said； 〃Put up those wicked
cards this minute！two pair and a jack； you numskull； and the other
fellow's got a flush！〃
I never have gambled from that day to thisnever oncewithout a 〃cold
deck〃 in my pocket。 I cannot even tell who is going to lose in games
that are being played unless I deal myself。
When I was two years of age she asked me not to drink； and then I made a
resolution of total abstinence。 That I have adhered to it and enjoyed
the beneficent effects of it through all time； I owe to my grandmother。
I have never drunk a drop from that day to this of any kind of water。
HONORED AS A CURIOSITY
If you get into conversation with a stranger in Honolulu； and experience
that natural desire to know what sort of ground you are treading on by
finding out what manner of man your stranger is； strike out boldly and
address him as 〃Captain。〃 Watch him narrowly； and if you see by his
countenance that you are on the wrong track； ask him where he preaches。
It is a safe bet that he is either a missionary or captain of a whaler。
I became personally acquainted with seventy…two captains and ninety…six
missionaries。 The captains and ministers form one…half of the
population； the third fourth is composed of common Kanakas and mercantile
foreigners and their families； and the final fourth is made up of high
officers of the Hawaiian Government。 And there are just about cats
enough for three apiece all around。
A solemn stranger met me in the suburbs one day； and said：
〃Good morning； your reverence。 Preach in the stone church yonder； no
doubt！〃
〃No； I don't。 I'm not a preacher。〃
〃Really； I beg your pardon； captain。 I trust you had a good season。 How
much oil〃
〃Oil！ Why； what do you take me for？ I'm not a whaler。〃
〃Oh！ I beg a thousand pardons； your Excellency。 Major…General in the
household troops； no doubt？ Minister of the Interior； likely？ Secretary
of War？ First Gentleman of the Bedchamber？ Commissioner of the Royal〃
〃Stuff； man！ I'm not connected in any way with the government。〃
〃Bless my life！ Then who the mischief are you？ what the mischief are
you？ and how the mischief did you get here？ and where in thunder did you
come from？〃
〃I'm only a private personagean unassuming strangerlately arrived
from America。〃
〃 No！ Not a missionary！ not a whaler！ not a member of his Majesty's
government！ not even a Secretary of the Navy！ Ah！ Heaven！ it is too
blissful to be true； alas！ I do but dream。 And yet that noble； honest
countenancethose oblique； ingenuous eyesthat massive head； incapable
ofof anything； your hand； give me your hand； bright waif。 Excuse these
tears。 For sixteen weary years I have yearned for a moment like this；
and〃
Here his feelings were too much for him； and he swooned away。 I pitied
this poor creature from the bottom of my heart。 I was deeply moved。
I shed a few tears on him； and kissed him for his mother。 I then took
what small change he had； and 〃shoved。〃
FIRST INTERVIEW WITH ARTEMUS WARD ＇Written about 1870。＇
I had never seen him before。 He brought letters of introduction from
mutual friends in San Francisco； and by invitation I breakfasted with
him。 It was almost religion； there in the silver…mines； to precede such
a meal with whisky cocktails。 Artemus； with the true cosmopolitan
instinct； always deferred to the customs of the country he was in； and so
he ordered three of those abominations。 Hingston was present。 I said I
would rather not drink a whisky cocktail。 I said it would go right to my
head； and confuse me so that I would be in a helpless tangle in ten
minutes。 I did not want to act like a lunatic before strangers。 But
Artemus gently insisted； and I drank the treasonable mixture under
protest； and felt all the time that I was doing a thing I might be sorry
for。 In a minute or two I began to imagine that my ideas were clouded。
I waited in great anxiety for the conversation to open； with a sort of
vague hope that my understanding would prove clear； after all； and my
misgivings groundless。
Artemus dropped an unimportant remark or two； and then assumed a look of
superhuman earnestness； and made the following astounding speech。 He
said：
〃Now there is one thing I ought to ask you about before I forget it。 You
have been here in Silver landhere in Nevadatwo or three years； and；
of course； your position on the daily press has made it necessary for you
to go down in the mines and examine them carefully in detail； and
therefore you know all about the silver…mining business。 Now what I want
to get at isis； well； the way the deposits of ore are made； you know。
For instance。 Now； as I understand it； the vein which contains the
silver is sandwiched in between casings of granite； and runs along the
ground； and sticks up like a curb stone。 Well； take a vein forty feet
thick； for example； or eighty； for that matter； or even a hundredsay
you go down on it with a shaft； straight down； you know； or with what you
call 'incline' maybe you go down five hundred feet； or maybe you don't go
down but two hundredanyway； you go down；