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on moonlight eveningssometimes traversing ten miles； notwithstanding he
was usually suffering from rheumatism。 He is an inveterate smoker； but
he could not smoke on these occasions； because the young lady was
painfully sensitive to the smell of tobacco。 Eng cordially wanted them
married； and done with it； but although Chang often asked the momentous
question； the young lady could not gather sufficient courage to answer it
while Eng was by。 However； on one occasion； after having walked some
sixteen miles； and sat up till nearly daylight； Eng dropped asleep； from
sheer exhaustion； and then the question was asked and answered。 The
lovers were married。 All acquainted with the circumstance applauded the
noble brother…in…law。 His unwavering faithfulness was the theme of every
tongue。 He had stayed by them all through their long and arduous
courtship； and when at last they were married； he lifted his hands above
their heads； and said with impressive unction； 〃Bless ye； my children； I
will never desert ye！〃 and he kept his word。 Fidelity like this is all
too rare in this cold world。
By and by Eng fell in love with his sister…in…law's sister； and married
her； and since that day they have all lived together； night and day； in
an exceeding sociability which is touching and beautiful to behold； and
is a scathing rebuke to our boasted civilization。
The sympathy existing between these two brothers is so close and so
refined that the feelings； the impulses； the emotions of the one are
instantly experienced by the other。 When one is sick； the other is sick；
when one feels pain； the other feels it； when one is angered； the other's
temper takes fire。 We have already seen with what happy facility they
both fell in love with the same girl。 Now Chang is bitterly opposed to
all forms of intemperance； on principle； but Eng is the reversefor；
while these men's feelings and emotions are so closely wedded； their
reasoning faculties are unfettered； their thoughts are free。 Chang
belongs to the Good Templars； and is a hardworking； enthusiastic
supporter of all temperance reforms。 But； to his bitter distress； every
now and then Eng gets drunk； and； of course； that makes Chang drunk too。
This unfortunate thing has been a great sorrow to Chang； for it almost
destroys his usefulness in his favorite field of effort。 As sure as he
is to head a great temperance procession Eng ranges up alongside of him；
prompt to the minute； and drunk as a lord； but yet no more dismally and
hopelessly drunk than his brother； who has not tasted a drop。 And so the
two begin to hoot and yell； and throw mud and bricks at the Good
Templars； and； of course； they break up the procession。 It would be
manifestly wrong to punish Chang for what Eng does； and； therefore； the
Good Templars accept the untoward situation； and suffer in silence and
sorrow。 They have officially and deliberately examined into the matter；
and find Chang blameless。 They have taken the two brothers and filled
Chang full of warm water and sugar and Eng full of whisky； and in twenty…
five minutes it was not possible to tell which was the drunkest。 Both
were as drunk as loonsand on hot whisky punches； by the smell of their
breath。 Yet all the while Chang's moral principles were unsullied； his
conscience clear； and so all just men were forced to confess that he was
not morally； but only physically； drunk。 By every right and by every
moral evidence the man was strictly sober； and； therefore； it caused his
friends all the more anguish to see him shake hands with the pump and try
to wind his watch with his night…key。
There is a moral in these solemn warningsor； at least； a warning in
these solemn morals； one or the other。 No matter； it is somehow。 Let us
heed it； let us profit by it。
I could say more of an instructive nature about these interesting beings；
but let what I have written suffice。
Having forgotten to mention it sooner； I will remark in conclusion that
the ages of the Siamese Twins are respectively fifty…one and fifty…three
years。
SPEECH AT THE SCOTTISH BANQUET IN LONDON ＇Written about 1872。＇
On the anniversary festival of the Scottish Corporation of London on
Monday evening； in response to the toast of 〃The Ladies；〃 MARK TWAIN
replied。 The following is his speech as reported in the London Observer：
I am proud； indeed； of the distinction of being chosen to respond to this
especial toast； to 'The Ladies；' or to women if you please； for that is
the preferable term； perhaps； it is certainly the older； and therefore
the more entitled to reverence ＇Laughter。＇ I have noticed that the
Bible； with that plain； blunt honesty which is such a conspicuous
characteristic of the Scriptures； is always particular to never refer to
even the illustrious mother of all mankind herself as a 'lady；' but
speaks of her as a woman； ＇Laughter。＇ It is odd； but you will find it is
so。 I am peculiarly proud of this honor； because I think that the toast
to women is one which； by right and by every rule of gallantry； should
take precedence of all othersof the army； of the navy； of even royalty
itself perhaps； though the latter is not necessary in this day and in
this land； for the reason that； tacitly； you do drink a broad general
health to all good women when you drink the health of the Queen of
England and the Princess of Wales。 ＇Loud cheers。＇ I have in mind a poem
just now which is familiar to you all； familiar to everybody。 And what
an inspiration that was （and how instantly the present toast recalls the
verses to all our minds） when the most noble； the most gracious； the
purest； and sweetest of all poets says：
〃Woman！ O woman！er
Wom〃
＇Laughter。＇ However； you remember the lines； and you remember how
feelingly； how daintily； how almost imperceptibly the verses raise up
before you； feature by feature； the ideal of a true and perfect woman；
and how； as you contemplate the finished marvel； your homage grows into
worship of the intellect that could create so fair a thing out of mere
breath； mere words。 And you call to mind now； as I speak； how the poet；
with stern fidelity to the history of all humanity； delivers this
beautiful child of his heart and his brain over to the trials and sorrows
that must come to all； sooner or later； that abide in the earth； and how
the pathetic story culminates in that apostropheso wild； so regretful；
so full of mournful retrospection。 The lines run thus：
〃Alas！alas！aalas！
Alas！alas！〃
and so on。 ＇Laughter。＇ I do not remember the rest； but； taken
together； it seems to me that poem is the noblest tribute to woman that
human genius has ever brought forth＇laughter）and I feel that if I
were to talk hours I could not do my great theme completer or more
graceful justice than I have now done in simply quoting that poet's
matchless words。 ＇Renewed laughter。＇ The phases of the womanly nature
are infinite in their variety。 Take any type of woman； and you shall
find in it something to respect； something to admire； something to love。
And you shall find the whole joini