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a double…barreled shotgun early in the forenoon。 When he found that it
was an infant （as he called me） that had done him the damage； he simply
pulled my ears and went away； but he threw up his situation that night
and left town for good。 The tailor came with his goose and a pair of
shears； but he despised me； too； and departed for the South that night。
The two lampooned citizens came with threats of libel； and went away
incensed at my insignificance。 The country editor pranced in with a war…
whoop next day； suffering for blood to drink； but he ended by forgiving
me cordially and inviting me down to the drug store to wash away all
animosity in a friendly bumper of 〃Fahnestock's Vermifuge。〃 It was his
little joke。 My uncle was very angry when he got backunreasonably so；
I thought； considering what an impetus I had given the paper； and
considering also that gratitude for his preservation ought to have been
uppermost in his mind； inasmuch as by his delay he had so wonderfully
escaped dissection； tomahawking； libel； and getting his head shot off。
But he softened when he looked at the accounts and saw that I had
actually booked the unparalleled number of thirty…three new subscribers；
and had the vegetables to show for it； cordwood； cabbage； beans； and
unsalable turnips enough to run the family for two dears！
HOW THE AUTHOR WAS SOLD IN NEWARK ＇Written about 1869。＇
It is seldom pleasant to tell on oneself； but some times it is a sort of
relief to a man to make a confession。 I wish to unburden my mind now；
and yet I almost believe that I am moved to do it more because I long to
bring censure upon another man than because I desire to pour balm upon my
wounded heart。 （I don't know what balm is； but I believe it is the
correct expression to use in this connectionnever having seen any
balm。） You may remember that I lectured in Newark lately for the young
gentlemen of the … Society？ I did at any rate。 During the afternoon
of that day I was talking with one of the young gentlemen just referred
to； and he said he had an uncle who； from some cause or other； seemed to
have grown permanently bereft of all emotion。 And with tears in his
eyes； this young man said； 〃Oh； if I could only see him laugh once more！
Oh； if I could only see him weep！〃 I was touched。 I could never
withstand distress。
I said： 〃Bring him to my lecture。 I'll start him for you。〃
〃Oh； if you could but do it！ If you could but do it； all our family
would bless you for evermorefor he is so very dear to us。 Oh； my
benefactor； can you make him laugh？ can you bring soothing tears to those
parched orbs？〃
I was profoundly moved。 I said： 〃My son； bring the old party round。
I have got some jokes in that lecture that will make him laugh if there
is any laugh in him； and if they miss fire； I have got some others that
will make him cry or kill him； one or the other。〃 Then the young man
blessed me； and wept on my neck； and went after his uncle。 He placed him
in full view； in the second row of benches； that night； and I began on
him。 I tried him with mild jokes； then with severe ones； I dosed him
with bad jokes and riddled him with good ones； I fired old stale jokes
into him； and peppered him fore and aft with red…hot new ones； I warmed
up to my work； and assaulted him on the right and left； in front and
behind； I fumed and sweated and charged and ranted till I was hoarse and
sick and frantic and furious； but I never moved him onceI never started
a smile or a tear！ Never a ghost of a smile； and never a suspicion of
moisture！ I was astounded。 I closed the lecture at last with one
despairing shriekwith one wild burst of humor； and hurled a joke of
supernatural atrocity full at him！
Then I sat down bewildered and exhausted。
The president of the society came up and bathed my head with cold water；
and said： 〃What made you carry on so toward the last？〃
I said： 〃I was trying to make that confounded old fool laugh； in the
second row。〃
And he said： 〃Well； you were wasting your time； because he is deaf and
dumb； and as blind as a badger！〃
Now； was that any way for that old man's nephew to impose on a stranger
and orphan like me？ I ask you as a man and brother； if that was any way
for him to do？
THE OFFICE BORE ＇Written about 1869＇
He arrives just as regularly as the clock strikes nine in the morning。
And so he even beats the editor sometimes； and the porter must leave his
work and climb two or three pairs of stairs to unlock the 〃Sanctum〃 door
and let him in。 He lights one of the office pipesnot reflecting；
perhaps； that the editor may be one of those 〃stuck…up〃 people who would
as soon have a stranger defile his tooth…brush as his pipe…stem。 Then he
begins to lollfor a person who can consent to loaf his useless life
away in ignominious indolence has not the energy to sit up straight。
He stretches full length on the sofa awhile； then draws up to half
length； then gets into a chair； hangs his head back and his arms abroad；
and stretches his legs till the rims of his boot…heels rest upon the
floor； by and by sits up and leans forward； with one leg or both over the
arm of the chair。 But it is still observable that with all his changes
of position； he never assumes the upright or a fraudful affectation of
dignity。 From time to time he yawns； and stretches； and scratches
himself with a tranquil； mangy enjoyment； and now and then he grunts a
kind of stuffy； overfed grunt； which is full of animal contentment。 At
rare and long intervals； however； he sighs a sigh that is the eloquent
expression of a secret confession； to wit 〃I am useless and a nuisance；
a cumberer of the earth。〃 The bore and his comradesfor there are
usually from two to four on hand； day and nightmix into the
conversation when men come in to see the editors for a moment on
business； they hold noisy talks among themselves about politics in
particular； and all other subjects in generaleven warming up； after a
fashion； sometimes； and seeming to take almost a real interest in what
they are discussing。 They ruthlessly call an editor from his work with
such a remark as： 〃Did you see this； Smith； in the Gazette？〃 and proceed
to read the paragraph while the sufferer reins in his impatient pen and
listens； they often loll and sprawl round the office hour after hour；
swapping anecdotes and relating personal experiences to each other
hairbreadth escapes； social encounters with distinguished men； election
reminiscences； sketches of odd characters； etc。 And through all those
hours they never seem to comprehend that they are robbing the editors of
their time； and the public of journalistic excellence in next day's
paper。 At other times they drowse； or dreamily pore over exchanges； or
droop limp and pensive over the chair…arms for an hour。 Even this solemn
silence is small respite to the editor； for the next uncomfortable thing
to having people look over his shoulders； perhaps； is to have them sit by
in silence and listen to the scratching of his pen。 If a body desires to
talk private business with one of the editors； he must call him outside；
for no hint milder than blasting…powd