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in earnest it was； I was sorry I had gone behind it。
The noble Red Man has always been a friend and darling of mine。 I love
to read about him in tales and legends and romances。 I love to read of
his inspired sagacity； and his love of the wild free life of mountain and
forest； and his general nobility of character； and his stately
metaphorical manner of speech； and his chivalrous love for the dusky
maiden； and the picturesque pomp of his dress and accoutrements。
Especially the picturesque pomp of his dress and accoutrements。 When I
found the shops at Niagara Falls full of dainty Indian beadwork； and
stunning moccasins； and equally stunning toy figures representing human
beings who carried their weapons in holes bored through their arms and
bodies； and had feet shaped like a pie； I was filled with emotion。
I knew that now； at last； I was going to come face to face with the noble
Red Man。
A lady clerk in a shop told me； indeed； that all her grand array of
curiosities were made by the Indians； and that they were plenty about the
Falls； and that they were friendly； and it would not be dangerous to
speak to them。 And sure enough； as I approached the bridge leading over
to Luna Island； I came upon a noble Son of the Forest sitting under a
tree； diligently at work on a bead reticule。 He wore a slouch hat and
brogans； and had a short black pipe in his mouth。 Thus does the baneful
contact with our effeminate civilization dilute the picturesque pomp
which is so natural to the Indian when far removed from us in his native
haunts。 I addressed the relic as follows：
〃Is the Wawhoo…Wang…Wang of the Whack…a…Whack happy？ Does the great
Speckled Thunder sigh for the war…path； or is his heart contented with
dreaming of the dusky maiden； the Pride of the Forest？ Does the mighty
Sachem yearn to drink the blood of his enemies； or is he satisfied to
make bead reticules for the pappooses of the paleface？ Speak； sublime
relic of bygone grandeurvenerable ruin； speak！〃
The relic said：
〃An' is it mesilf； Dennis Hooligan； that ye'd be takon' for a dirty
Injin； ye drawlin'； lantern…jawed； spider…legged divil！ By the piper
that played before Moses； I'll ate ye！〃
I went away from there。
By and by； in the neighborhood of the Terrapin Tower； I came upon a
gentle daughter of the aborigines in fringed and beaded buckskin
moccasins and leggins； seated on a bench with her pretty wares about her。
She had just carved out a wooden chief that had a strong family
resemblance to a clothes…pin； and was now boring a hole through his
abdomen to put his bow through。 I hesitated a moment； and then addressed
her：
〃Is the heart of the forest maiden heavy？ Is the Laughing Tadpole
lonely？ Does she mourn over the extinguished council…fires of her race；
and the vanished glory of her ancestors？ Or does her sad spirit wander
afar toward the hunting…grounds whither her brave Gobbler…of…the…
Lightnings is gone？ Why is my daughter silent？ Has she ought against
the paleface stranger？〃
The maiden said：
〃Faix； an' is it Biddy Malone ye dare to be callin' names？ Lave this； or
I'll shy your lean carcass over the cataract； ye sniveling blaggard！〃
I adjourned from there also。
〃Confound these Indians！〃 I said。 〃They told me they were tame； but； if
appearances go for anything； I should say they were all on the warpath。〃
I made one more attempt to fraternize with them； and only one。 I came
upon a camp of them gathered in the shade of a great tree； making wampum
and moccasins； and addressed them in the language of friendship：
〃Noble Red Men； Braves； Grand Sachems； War Chiefs； Squaws； and High Muck…
a…Mucks； the paleface from the land of the setting sun greets you！ You；
Beneficent Polecatyou； Devourer of Mountainsyou； Roaring Thundergust
you； Bully Boy with a Glass eyethe paleface from beyond the great
waters greets you all！ War and pestilence have thinned your ranks and
destroyed your once proud nation。 Poker and seven…up； and a vain modern
expense for soap； unknown to your glorious ancestors； have depleted your
purses。 Appropriating； in your simplicity； the property of others has
gotten you into trouble。 Misrepresenting facts； in your simple
innocence； has damaged your reputation with the soulless usurper。
Trading for forty…rod whisky； to enable you to get drunk and happy and
tomahawk your families； has played the everlasting mischief with the
picturesque pomp of your dress； and here you are； in the broad light of
the nineteenth century； gotten up like the ragtag and bobtail of the
purlieus of New York。 For shame！ Remember your ancestors！ Recall their
mighty deeds！ Remember Uncas！and Red jacket！ and Hole in the Day！
and Whoopdedoodledo！ Emulate their achievements！ Unfurl yourselves
under my banner； noble savages； illustrious guttersnipes〃
〃Down wid him！〃 〃Scoop the blaggard！〃 〃Burn him！〃 〃Bang him！〃
〃Dhround him！〃
It was the quickest operation that ever was。 I simply saw a sudden flash
in the air of clubs； brickbats； fists； bead…baskets； and moccasinsa
single flash； and they all appeared to hit me at once； and no two of them
in the same place。 In the next instant the entire tribe was upon me。
They tore half the clothes off me； they broke my arms and legs； they gave
me a thump that dented the top of my head till it would hold coffee like
a saucer； and； to crown their disgraceful proceedings and add insult to
injury； they threw me over the Niagara Falls； and I got wet。
About ninety or a hundred feet from the top； the remains of my vest
caught on a projecting rock； and I was almost drowned before I could get
loose。 I finally fell； and brought up in a world of white foam at the
foot of the Fall； whose celled and bubbly masses towered up several
inches above my head。 Of course I got into the eddy。 I sailed round and
round in it forty…four timeschasing a chip and gaining on iteach
round trip a half…milereaching for the same bush on the bank forty…four
times； and just exactly missing it by a hair's…breadth every time。
At last a man walked down and sat down close to that bush； and put a pipe
in his mouth； and lit a match； and followed me with one eye and kept the
other on the match； while he sheltered it in his hands from the wind。
Presently a puff of wind blew it out。 The next time I swept around he
said：
〃Got a match？〃
〃Yes； in my other vest。 Help me out； please。〃
〃Not for Joe。〃
When I came round again； I said：
〃Excuse the seemingly impertinent curiosity of a drowning man； but will
you explain this singular conduct of yours？〃
〃With pleasure。 I am the coroner。 Don't hurry on my account。 I can
wait for you。 But I wish I had a match。〃
I said： 〃Take my place； and I'll go and get you one。〃
He declined。 This lack of confidence on his part created a coldness
between us； and from that time forward I avoided him。 It was my idea；
in case anything happened to me； to so time the occurrence as to throw my
custom into the hands of the opposition coroner on the American side。
At last a policeman came along； and arrested me for disturbing the peace
by yelling at people on shore for help。 The judge fined me； but ha