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an eternal； unqualified law。 Let her bear but half that I have
borne； let her endure but one…tenth of what I have endured； and
then if she dare let her speak in judgment against me。
Softly now； I must draw the heavy coverings away； and bare his
breast to the stroke；the stroke that shall free me。 I know well
where to plant it； I have learned that from the old lady's Italian。
Did he guess why I questioned him so closely of the surest；
straightest road to a man's heart？ No matter； he cannot hinder me
now。 Gently！ Ah！ I have disturbed him。 He moves； mutters in his
sleep； throws out his arm。 Down； down； crouching behind the
curtain。 Heavens！ if he wakes and sees me； he will kill me。 No！
alas！ if only he would。 I would kiss the hand that he struck me
with； but he is too cruel for that。 He will imagine some new and
more hellish torture to punish me with。 But the knife！ I have got
that； he shall never touch me living again。 。 。 。 He is quieter
now。 I hear his breath； hoarse and heavy as a wild beast's
panting。 He draws it more evenly； more deeply。 The danger is
past。 Thank God！
God！ What have I to do with Him？ A God of Judgment。 Ha； ha！
Hell cannot frighten me； it will not be worse than earth。 Only he
will be there too。 Not with him； not with him；send me to the
lowest circle of torment； but not with him。 There； his breast is
bare now。 Is the knife sharp？ Yes； and the blade is strong
enough。 Now let me strikemyself afterwards if need be； but him
first。 Is it the devil that prompts me？ Then the devil is my
friend； and the friend of the world。 No。 God is a God of love。
He cannot wish such a man to live。 He made him； but the devil
spoilt him； and let the devil have his handiwork back again。 It
has served him long enough here； and its last service shall be to
make me a murderess。
How the moonlight gleams from the blade as my arm swings up and
back： with how close a grasp the rough hilt draws my fingers round
it。 Now。
A murderess？
Wait a moment。 A moment may make me free； a moment may make me
that！
Wait。
Hand and dagger droop again。 His life has dragged its slime over
my soul； shall his death poison it with a fouler corruption still？
〃My own soul's warden。〃
What was that？ Dream memories again。
〃Resist； strive； endure。〃
Easy words。 What do they mean for me？ To creep back now to bed by
his side； and to begin living again to…morrow the life which I have
lived to…day？ No； no； I cannot do it。 Heaven cannot ask it of me。
And there is no other way。 That or this； this or that。 Which
shall it be？ Ah！ I have striven； God knows。 I have endured so
long that I hoped even to do so to the end。 But to…day！ Oh！ the
torment and the outrage： body and soul still bear the stain of it。
I thought that my heart and my pride were dead together； but he has
stung them again into aching； shameful life。 Yesterday I might
have spared him； to save my own cold soul from sin； but now it is
cold no longer。 It burns； it burns and the fire must be slaked。
Ay； I will kill him； and have done with it。 Why should I pause any
longer？ The knife drags my hand back for the stroke。 Only the
dream surrounds me； the pure man's face is there； white；
beseeching； and God's voice rings in my heart
〃To him that overcometh。〃
But I cannot overcome。 Evil has governed my life； and evil is
stronger than I am。 What shall I do？ what shall I do？ God； if
Thou art stronger than evil； fight for me。
〃The victory of the Cross is ours。〃
Yes； I know it。 It is true； it is true。 But the knife？ I cannot
loose the knife if I would。 How to wrench it from my own hold？
Thou God of Victory be with me！ Christ help me！
I seize the blade with my left hand； the two…edged steel slides
through my grasp； a sharp pain in fingers and palm； and then
nothing。 。 。 。
。 。 。 。 。 。
VI
When I again became conscious； I found myself half kneeling； half
lying across the bed； my arms stretched out in front of me； my face
buried in the clothes。 Body and mind were alike numbed。 A
smarting pain in my left hand； a dreadful terror in my heart； were
at first the only sensations of which I was aware。 Slowly； very
slowly； sense and memory returned to me； and with them a more vivid
intensity of mental anguish； as detail by detail I recalled the
weird horror of the night。 Had it really happened；was the thing
still there；or was it all a ghastly nightmare？ It was some
minutes before I dared either to move or look up； and then
fearfully I raised my head。 Before me stretched the smooth white
coverlet； faintly bright with yellow sunshine。 Weak and giddy； I
struggled to my feet； and； steadying myself against the foot of the
bed； with clenched teeth and bursting heart； forced my gaze round
to the other end。 The pillow lay there； bare and unmarked save for
what might well have been the pressure of my own head。 My breath
came more freely； and I turned to the window。 The sun had just
risen； the golden tree…tops were touched with light； faint threads
of mist hung here and there across the sky； and the twittering of
birds sounded clearly through the crisp autumn air。
It was nothing but a bad dream then； after all； this horror which
still hung round me； leaving me incapable of effort； almost of
thought。 I remembered the cabinet； and looked swiftly in that
direction。 There it stood； closed as usual； closed as it had been
the evening before； as it had been for the last three hundred
years； except in my dreams。
Yes； that was it； nothing but a dream；a gruesome； haunting dream。
With an instinct of wiping out the dreadful memory； I raised my
hand wearily to my forehead。 As I did so； I became conscious again
of how it hurt me。 I looked at it。 It was covered with half…dried
blood； and two straight clean cuts appeared； one across the palm
and one across the inside of the fingers just below the knuckles。
I looked again towards the bed； and； in the place where my hand had
rested during my faint； a small patch of red blood was to be seen。
Then it was true！ Then it had all happened！ With a low shuddering
sob I threw myself down upon the couch at the foot of the bed； and
lay there for some minutes； my limbs trembling； and my soul
shrinking within me。 A mist of evil； fearful and loathsome； had
descended upon my girlhood's life； sullying its ignorant innocence；
saddening its brightness； as I felt； for ever。 I lay there till my
teeth began to chatter； and I realized that I was bitterly cold。
To return to that accursed bed was impossible； so I pulled a rug
which hung at one end of the sofa over me； and； utterly worn out in
mind and body； fell uneasily asleep。
I was roused by the entrance of my maid。 I stopped her
exclamations and questions by shortly stating that I had had a bad
night； had been unable to rest in bed； and had had an accident with
my hand；without further specifying of what description。
〃I didn't know that you had been feeling unwell when you went to
bed last night； miss；〃 she said。
〃When I went to bed last night？ Unwell？ What do you mean？〃
〃Only Mr。 Alan has just asked