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（And not till then）；
The joke is over！
Ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！ ho！
Thenand then
The joke is over！
（Exeunt Scaphio and
Phantis。）
King： （putting on his crown again） It's all very well。 I
always
like to look on the humorous side of things； but I do not
think I ought to be required to write libels on my own
moral
character。 Naturally； I see the joke of itanybody
wouldbut Zara's coming home today； she's no longer a
child； and I confess I should not like her to see my
Operathough it's uncommonly well written； and I should
be
sorry if the Palace Peeper got into her handsthough
it's
certainly smartvery smart indeed。 It is almost a pity
that I have to buy up the whole edition； because it's
really
too good to be lost。 And Lady Sophythat blameless type
of
perfect womanhood！ Great Heavens； what would she say if
the
Second Housemaid business happened to meet her pure blue
eye！ （Enter Lady Sophy）
Lady S。： My monarch is soliloquizing。 I will withdraw。 （going）
King： Nopray don't go。 Now I'll give you fifty chances； and
you
won't guess whom I was thinking of。
Lady S。： Alas； sir； I know too well。 Ah！ King； it's an old； old
story； and I'm wellnigh weary of it！ Be warned in
timefrom my heart I pity you； but I am not for you！
（going）
King： But hear what I have to say。
Lady S。： It is useless。 Listen。 In the course of a long and
adven…
turous career in the principal European Courts； it has
been
revealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird and
supernatural fascination over all Crowned Heads。 So
irre…
sistible is this singular property； that there is not a
European Monarch who has not implored me； with tears in
his
eyes； to quit his kingdom； and take my fatal charms else…
where。 As time was getting on it occurred to me that by
descending several pegs in the scale of Respectability I
might qualify your Majesty for my hand。 Actuated by this
humane motive and happening to possess Respectability
enough
for Six； I consented to confer Respectability enough for
Four upon your two younger daughtersbut although I
have；
alas； only Respectability enough for Two left； there is
still； as I gather from the public press of this country
（producing the Palace Peeper）； a considerable balance in
my
favor。
King： （aside） Damn！ （aloud） May I ask how you came by this？
Lady S。： It was handed to me by the officer who holds the position
of
Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty。
King： And surely； Lady Sophy； surely you are not so unjust as
to
place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the
Society
press！
Lady S。： （referring to paper） I read on the authority of Senex
Senior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your
Second
Housemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli Gardens。
That is untrue？
King： Absolutely。 Our Second Housemaid has only one leg。
Lady S。： （suspiciously） How do you know that？
King： Common report。 I give you my honor。
Lady S。： It may be so。 I further readand the statement is
vouched
for by no less an authority that Mephistopheles
Minorthat
your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum…punch every
morning。 I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge
of
displaying an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of
the royal dressing…room when I ask if there is any
founda…
tion for this statement？
King： None whatever。 When our medical adviser exhibits
rum…punch
it is as a draught； not as a fomentation。 As to our
bath；
our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning。
Lady S。： （shocked） Oh； praypray spare me these unseemly
details。
Well； you are a Despothave you taken steps to slay this
scribbler？
King： Well； noI have not gone so far as that。 After all；
it's
the poor devil's living； you know。
Lady S。： It is the poor devil's living that surprises me。 If this
man lies； there is no recognized punishment that is
suffi…
ciently terrible for him。
King： That's precisely it。 II am waiting until a punishment
is
discovered that will exactly meet the enormity of the
case。
I am in constant communication with the Mikado of Japan；
who
is a leading authority on such points； and； moreover； I
have
the ground plans and sectional elevations of several
capital
punishments in my desk at this moment。 Oh； Lady Sophy；
as
you are powerful； be merciful！
DUET King and Lady Sophy。
King： Subjected to your heavenly gaze
（Poetical phrase）；
My brain is turned completely。
Observe me now
No monarch I vow；
Was ever so afflicted！
Lady S： I'm pleased with that poetical phrase；
〃A heavenly gaze；〃
But though you put it neatly；
Say what you will；
These paragraphs still
Remain uncontradicted。
Come； crush me this contemptible worm
（A forcible term）；
If he's assailed you wrongly。
The rage display；
Which； as you say；
Has moved your Majesty lately。
King： Though I admit that forcible term
〃Contemptible worm；〃
Appeals to me most strongly；
To treat this pest
As you suggest
Would pain my Majesty greatly。
Lady S： This writer lies！
King： Yes； bother his eyes！
Lady S： He lives； you say？
King： In a sort of way。
Lady S： Then have him shot。
King： Decidedly not。
Lady S： Or crush him flat。
King： I cannot do that。
Both： O royal Rex；
My/her blameless sex
Abhors such conduct shady。
You/I plead in vain；
I/you will never gain
Re