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wilderness； in which there is neither watch nor ward of any
signification； nor any order or police； affords them lurking…places
as well as prey。
There are many causes that contribute to the daily increase of
this enormous mass； but they may be all resolved into the grand
source of luxury and corruption About five and twenty years ago；
very few； even of the most opulent citizens of London； kept any
equipage； or even any servants in livery。 Their tables produced
nothing but plain boiled and roasted； with a bottle of port and a
tankard of beer。 At present； every trader in any degree of
credit； every broker and attorney； maintains a couple of footmen；
a coachman； and postilion。 He has his town…house； and his
country…house； his coach； and his post…chaise。 His wife and
daughters appear in the richest stuffs； bespangled with diamonds。
They frequent the court； the opera； the theatre； and the
masquerade。 They hold assemblies at their own houses： they make
sumptuous entertainments； and treat with the richest wines of
Bordeaux； Burgundy； and Champagne。 The substantial tradesman； who
wont to pass his evenings at the ale…house for fourpence half…penny；
now spends three shillings at the tavern； while his wife
keeps card…tables at home； she must likewise have fine clothes；
her chaise； or pad； with country lodgings； and go three times a
week to public diversions。 Every clerk； apprentice； and even
waiter of tavern or coffeehouse； maintains a gelding by himself；
or in partnership； and assumes the air and apparel of a petit
maitre The gayest places of public entertainment are filled with
fashionable figures； which； upon inquiry； will be found to be
journeymen taylors； serving…men； and abigails； disguised like
their betters。
In short； there is no distinction or subordination left The
different departments of life are jumbled together The hod…carrier；
the low mechanic； the tapster； the publican； the
shopkeeper； the pettifogger； the citizen； and courtier； all tread
upon the kibes of one another： actuated by the demons of
profligacy and licentiousness； they are seen every where
rambling； riding； rolling； rushing； justling； mixing； bouncing；
cracking； and crashing in one vile ferment of stupidity and
corruption All is tumult and hurry； one would imagine they were
impelled by some disorder of the brain； that will not suffer them
to be at rest。 The foot…passengers run along as if they were
pursued by bailiffs。 The porters and chairmen trot with their
burthens。 People； who keep their own equipages； drive through the
streets at full speed。 Even citizens； physicians； and
apothecaries； glide in their chariots like lightening。 The
hackney…coachmen make their horses smoke； and the pavement shakes
under them； and I have actually seen a waggon pass through
Piccadilly at the hand…gallop。 In a word； the whole nation seems
to be running out of their wits。
The diversions of the times are not ill suited to the genius of
this incongruous monster； called the public。 Give it noise；
confusion； glare； and glitter； it has no idea of elegance and
propriety What are the amusements of Ranelagh？ One half of the
company are following at the other's tails； in an eternal circle；
like so many blind asses in an olive…mill； where they can neither
discourse； distinguish； nor be distinguished； while the other
half are drinking hot water； under the denomination of tea； till
nine or ten o'clock at night； to keep them awake for the rest of
the evening。 As for the orchestra； the vocal music especially； it
is well for the performers that they cannot be heard distinctly。
Vauxhall is a composition of baubles； overcharged with paltry
ornaments； ill conceived； and poorly executed； without any unity
of design； or propriety of disposition。 It is an unnatural
assembly of objects； fantastically illuminated in broken masses；
seemingly contrived to dazzle the eyes and divert the imagination
of the vulgar Here a wooden lion； there a stone statue； in one
place； a range of things like coffeehouse boxes； covered a…top；
in another； a parcel of ale…house benches； in a third； a puppet…show
representation of a tin cascade； in a fourth； a gloomy cave
of a circular form； like a sepulchral vault half lighted； in a
fifth； a scanty flip of grass…plat； that would not afford pasture
sufficient for an ass's colt。 The walks； which nature seems to
have intended for solitude； shade； and silence； are filled with
crowds of noisy people； sucking up the nocturnal rheums of an
aguish climate； and through these gay scenes； a few lamps glimmer
like so many farthing candles。
When I see a number of well dressed people； of both sexes；
sitting on the covered benches； exposed to the eyes of the mob；
and； which is worse； to the cold； raw； night…air； devouring
sliced beef； and swilling port； and punch； and cyder； I can't
help compassionating their temerity； white I despise their want
of taste and decorum； but； when they course along those damp and
gloomy walks； or crowd together upon the wet gravel； without any
other cover than the cope of Heaven； listening to a song； which
one half of them cannot possibly hear； how can I help supposing
they are actually possessed by a spirit； more absurd and
pernicious than any thing we meet with in the precincts of
Bedlam？ In all probability； the proprietors of this； and other
public gardens of inferior note； in the skirts of the metropolis；
are； in some shape； connected with the faculty of physic； and the
company of undertakers； for； considering that eagerness in the
pursuit of what is called pleasure； which now predominates
through every rank and denomination of life； I am persuaded that
more gouts； rheumatisms； catarrhs； and consumptions are caught in
these nocturnal pastimes； sub dio； than from all the risques and
accidents to which a life of toil and danger is exposed。
These； and other observations； which I have made in this
excursion； will shorten my stay at London； and send me back with
a double relish to my solitude and mountains； but I shall return
by a different route from that which brought me to town。 I have
seen some old friends； who constantly resided in this virtuous
metropolis； but they are so changed in manners and disposition；
that we hardly know or care for one another In our journey from
Bath； my sister Tabby provoked me into a transport of passion；
during which； like a man who has drank himself pot…valiant； I
talked to her in such a stile of authority and resolution； as
produced a most blessed effect。 She and her dog have been
remarkably quiet and orderly ever since this expostulation。 How
long this agreeable calm will last； Heaven above knows I flatter
myself； the exercise of travelling has been of service to my
health； a circumstance which encourages me to…proceed in my
projected expedition to the North。 But I must； in the mean time；
for the benefit and amusement of my pupils； explore the depths of
this chaos； this misshapen and monstrous capital； without head or
tail； members or proportion。
Thomas was so insolent to my sister on the road； that I was
obliged to turn him off abruptly； betwixt Chippenham and
Marlborough； where our coach was ov