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and evanescent present and the solemn great deeps of the eternities。 May
I trouble you for a match？'
〃I said： 'Your sentiments do you honor； but if you will allow me to say
it； metaphor is not your best hold。 Spare your thigh； this kind light
only on the box； and seldom there； in fact； if my experience may be
trusted。 But to return to business： how did you get in here？'
〃'Through a second…story window。'
〃It was even so。 I redeemed the tinware at pawnbroker's rates； less cost
of advertising； bade the burglar good…night； closed the window after him；
and retired to headquarters to report。 Next morning we sent for the
burglar…alarm man； and he came up and explained that the reason the alarm
did not 'go off' was that no part of the house but the first floor was
attached to the alarm。 This was simply idiotic； one might as well have
no armor on at all in battle as to have it only on his legs。 The expert
now put the whole second story on the alarm； charged three hundred
dollars for it； and went his way。 By and by； one night； I found a
burglar in the third story； about to start down a ladder with a lot of
miscellaneous property。 My first impulse was to crack his head with a
billiard cue； but my second was to refrain from this attention； because
he was between me and the cue rack。 The second impulse was plainly the
soundest； so I refrained； and proceeded to compromise。 I redeemed the
property at former rates； after deducting ten per cent。 for use of
ladder； it being my ladder； and； next day we sent down for the expert
once more； and had the third story attached to the alarm； for three
hundred dollars。
〃By this time the 'annunciator' had grown to formidable dimensions。 It
had forty…seven tags on it； marked with the names of the various rooms
and chimneys； and it occupied the space of an ordinary wardrobe。 The
gong was the size of a wash…bowl； and was placed above the head of our
bed。 There was a wire from the house to the coachman's quarters in the
stable； and a noble gong alongside his pillow。
〃We should have been comfortable now but for one defect。 Every morning
at five the cook opened the kitchen door； in the way of business； and rip
went that gong！ The first time this happened I thought the last day was
come sure。 I didn't think it in bedno； but out of itfor the first
effect of that frightful gong is to hurl you across the house； and slam
you against the wall； and then curl you up； and squirm you like a spider
on a stove lid； till somebody shuts the kitchen door。 In solid fact；
there is no clamor that is even remotely comparable to the dire clamor
which that gong makes。 Well； this catastrophe happened every morning
regularly at five o'clock； and lost us three hours sleep； for； mind you；
when that thing wakes you； it doesn't merely wake you in spots； it wakes
you all over； conscience and all； and you are good for eighteen hours of
wide…awakeness subsequentlyeighteen hours of the very most
inconceivable wide…awakeness that you ever experienced in your life。
A stranger died on our hands one time； aid we vacated and left him in our
room overnight。 Did that stranger wait for the general judgment？ No；
sir； he got up at five the next morning in the most prompt and
unostentatious way。 I knew he would； I knew it mighty well。 He
collected his life…insurance； and lived happy ever after； for there was
plenty of proof as to the perfect squareness of his death。
〃Well； we were gradually fading toward a better land； on account of the
daily loss of sleep； so we finally had the expert up again； and he ran a
wire to the outside of the door； and placed a switch there； whereby
Thomas； the butler； always made one little mistakehe switched the alarm
off at night when he went to bed； and switched it on again at daybreak in
the morning； just in time for the cook to open the kitchen door； and
enable that gong to slam us across the house； sometimes breaking a window
with one or the other of us。 At the end of a week we recognized that
this switch business was a delusion and a snare。 We also discovered that
a band of burglars had been lodging in the house the whole timenot
exactly to steal； for there wasn't much left now； but to hide from the
police； for they were hot pressed； and they shrewdly judged that the
detectives would never think of a tribe of burglars taking sanctuary in a
house notoriously protected by the most imposing and elaborate burglar
alarm in America。
〃Sent down for the expert again； and this time he struck a most dazzling
ideahe fixed the thing so that opening the kitchen door would take off
the alarm。 It was a noble idea； and he charged accordingly。 But you
already foresee the result。 I switched on the alarm every night at bed…
time； no longer trusting on Thomas's frail memory； and as soon as the
lights were out the burglars walked in at the kitchen door； thus taking
the alarm off without waiting for the cook to do it in the morning。 You
see how aggravatingly we were situated。 For months we couldn't have any
company。 Not a spare bed in the house； all occupied by burglars。
〃Finally； I got up a cure of my own。 The expert answered the call； and
ran another ground wire to the stable； and established a switch there； so
that the coachman could put on and take off the alarm。 That worked first
rate； and a season of peace ensued； during which we got to inviting
company once more and enjoying life。
〃But by and by the irrepressible alarm invented a new kink。 One winter's
night we were flung out of bed by the sudden music of that awful gong；
and when we hobbled to the annunciator； turned up the gas； and saw the
word 'Nursery' exposed； Mrs。 McWilliams fainted dead away； and I came
precious near doing the same thing myself。 I seized my shotgun； and
stood timing the coachman whilst that appalling buzzing went on。 I knew
that his gong had flung him out； too； and that he would be along with his
gun as soon as he could jump into his clothes。 When I judged that the
time was ripe； I crept to the room next the nursery； glanced through the
window； and saw the dim outline of the coachman in the yard below；
standing at present…arms and waiting for a chance。 Then I hopped into
the nursery and fired； and in the same instant the coachman fired at the
red flash of my gun。 Both of us were successful； I crippled a nurse； and
he shot off all my back hair。 We turned up the gas； and telephoned for a
surgeon。 There was not a sign of a burglar； and no window had been
raised。 One glass was absent； but that was where the coachman's charge
had come through。 Here was a fine mysterya burglar alarm 'going off'
at midnight of its own accord； and not a burglar in the neighborhood！
〃The expert answered the usual call； and explained that it was a 'False
alarm。' Said it was easily fixed。 So he overhauled the nursery window；
charged a remunerative figure for it； and departed。
〃What we suffered from false alarms for the next three years no
stylographic pen can describe。 During the next three months I always
flew with my gun to the room indicated； and the coachman always sallied
forth with his battery to support me。 But ther