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and go to some place in the uttermost parts of the earth； where he
should never meet anyone who had known him at school or college； and
start afresh。 Or perhaps he might go to the gold fields in
California or Australia； of which such wonderful accounts were then
heard； there he might even make his fortune； and return as an old
man many years hence； unknown to everyone； and if so； he would live
at Cambridge。 As he built these castles in the air； the spark of
life became a flame； and he longed for health； and for the freedom
which； now that so much of his sentence had expired； was not after
all very far distant。
Then things began to shape themselves more definitely。 Whatever
happened he would be a clergyman no longer。 It would have been
practically impossible for him to have found another curacy； even if
he had been so minded； but he was not so minded。 He hated the life
he had been leading ever since he had begun to read for orders； he
could not argue about it； but simply he loathed it and would have no
more of it。 As he dwelt on the prospect of becoming a layman again；
however disgraced； he rejoiced at what had befallen him； and found a
blessing in this very imprisonment which had at first seemed such an
unspeakable misfortune。
Perhaps the shock of so great a change in his surroundings had
accelerated changes in his opinions； just as the cocoons of
silkworms； when sent in baskets by rail； hatch before their time
through the novelty of heat and jolting。 But however this may be；
his belief in the stories concerning the Death； Resurrection and
Ascension of Jesus Christ； and hence his faith in all the other
Christian miracles； had dropped off him once and for ever。 The
investigation he had made in consequence of Mr Shaw's rebuke；
hurried though it was； had left a deep impression upon him； and now
he was well enough to read he made the New Testament his chief
study； going through it in the spirit which Mr Shaw had desired of
him； that is to say as one who wished neither to believe nor
disbelieve； but cared only about finding out whether he ought to
believe or no。 The more he read in this spirit the more the balance
seemed to lie in favour of unbelief； till； in the end； all further
doubt became impossible； and he saw plainly enough that； whatever
else might be true； the story that Christ had died； come to life
again； and been carried from earth through clouds into the heavens
could not now be accepted by unbiassed people。 It was well he had
found it out so soon。 In one way or another it was sure to meet him
sooner or later。 He would probably have seen it years ago if he had
not been hoodwinked by people who were paid for hoodwinking him。
What should he have done； he asked himself； if he had not made his
present discovery till years later when he was more deeply committed
to the life of a clergyman？ Should he have had the courage to face
it； or would he not more probably have evolved some excellent reason
for continuing to think as he had thought hitherto？ Should he have
had the courage to break away even from his present curacy？
He thought not； and knew not whether to be more thankful for having
been shown his error or for having been caught up and twisted round
so that he could hardly err farther； almost at the very moment of
his having discovered it。 The price he had had to pay for this boon
was light as compared with the boon itself。 What is too heavy a
price to pay for having duty made at once clear and easy of
fulfilment instead of very difficult？ He was sorry for his father
and mother； and he was sorry for Miss Maitland； but he was no longer
sorry for himself。
It puzzled him； however； that he should not have known how much he
had hated being a clergyman till now。 He knew that he did not
particularly like it； but if anyone had asked him whether he
actually hated it； he would have answered no。 I suppose people
almost always want something external to themselves； to reveal to
them their own likes and dislikes。 Our most assured likings have
for the most part been arrived at neither by introspection nor by
any process of conscious reasoning； but by the bounding forth of the
heart to welcome the gospel proclaimed to it by another。 We hear
some say that such and such a thing is thus or thus； and in a moment
the train that has been laid within us； but whose presence we knew
not； flashes into consciousness and perception。
Only a year ago he had bounded forth to welcome Mr Hawke's sermon；
since then he had bounded after a College of Spiritual Pathology；
now he was in full cry after rationalism pure and simple； how could
he be sure that his present state of mind would be more lasting than
his previous ones？ He could not be certain； but he felt as though
he were now on firmer ground than he had ever been before； and no
matter how fleeting his present opinions might prove to be； he could
not but act according to them till he saw reason to change them。
How impossible； he reflected； it would have been for him to do this；
if he had remained surrounded by people like his father and mother；
or Pryer and Pryer's friends； and his rector。 He had been
observing； reflecting； and assimilating all these months with no
more consciousness of mental growth than a school…boy has of growth
of body； but should he have been able to admit his growth to
himself； and to act up to his increased strength if he had remained
in constant close connection with people who assured him solemnly
that he was under a hallucination？ The combination against him was
greater than his unaided strength could have broken through； and he
felt doubtful how far any shock less severe than the one from which
he was suffering would have sufficed to free him。
CHAPTER LXV
As he lay on his bed day after day slowly recovering he woke up to
the fact which most men arrive at sooner or later； I mean that very
few care two straws about truth； or have any confidence that it is
righter and better to believe what is true than what is untrue； even
though belief in the untruth may seem at first sight most expedient。
Yet it is only these few who can be said to believe anything at all；
the rest are simply unbelievers in disguise。 Perhaps； after all；
these last are right。 They have numbers and prosperity on their
side。 They have all which the rationalist appeals to as his tests
of right and wrong。 Right； according to him； is what seems right to
the majority of sensible； well…to…do people； we know of no safer
criterion than this； but what does the decision thus arrived at
involve？ Simply this； that a conspiracy of silence about things
whose truth would be immediately apparent to disinterested enquirers
is not only tolerable but righteous on the part of those who profess
to be and take money for being par excellence guardians and teachers
of truth。
Ernest saw no logical escape from this conclusion。 He saw that
belief on the part of the early Christians in the miraculous nature
of Christ's Resurrection was explicable； without any supposition of
miracle。 The explanation lay under the eyes of anyone who chose to
take a moderate degree of trouble； i