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and that this conclusion is the final solution of all so…called
virtues and duties and all such prejudices and fancies； then you
have just to accept it； there is no help for it； for twice two is
a law of mathematics。 Just try refuting it。
〃Upon my word；〃 they will shout at you； 〃it is no use protesting：
it is a case of twice two makes four！ Nature does not ask your
permission； she has nothing to do with your wishes； and whether
you like her laws or dislike them； you are bound to accept her as
she is； and consequently all her conclusions。 A wall； you see；
is a wall 。。。 and so on； and so on。〃 Merciful Heavens！ but what
do I care for the laws of nature and arithmetic； when； for some
reason I dislike those laws and the fact that twice two makes
four？ Of course I cannot break through the wall by battering my
head against it if I really have not the strength to knock it
down； but I am not going to be reconciled to it simply because it
is a stone wall and I have not the strength。
As though such a stone wall really were a consolation； and really
did contain some word of conciliation； simply because it is as
true as twice two makes four。 Oh； absurdity of absurdities！ How
much better it is to understand it all； to recognise it all； all
the impossibilities and the stone wall； not to be reconciled to
one of those impossibilities and stone walls if it disgusts you
to be reconciled to it； by the way of the most inevitable；
logical combinations to reach the most revolting conclusions on
the everlasting theme； that even for the stone wall you are
yourself somehow to blame； though again it is as clear as day you
are not to blame in the least； and therefore grinding your teeth
in silent impotence to sink into luxurious inertia； brooding on
the fact that there is no one even for you to feel vindictive
against； that you have not； and perhaps never will have； an
object for your spite； that it is a sleight of hand； a bit of
juggling； a card… sharper's trick； that it is simply a mess； no
knowing what and no knowing who； but in spite of all these
uncertainties and jugglings； still there is an ache in you； and
the more you do not know； the worse the ache。
IV
〃Ha； ha； ha！ You will be finding enjoyment in toothache next；〃
you cry； with a laugh。
〃Well； even in toothache there is enjoyment；〃 I answer。 I had
toothache for a whole month and I know there is。 In that case；
of course； people are not spiteful in silence； but moan； but they
are not candid moans； they are malignant moans； and the
malignancy is the whole point。 The enjoyment of the sufferer
finds expression in those moans； if he did not feel enjoyment in
them he would not moan。 It is a good example； gentlemen； and I
will develop it。 Those moans express in the first place all the
aimlessness of your pain； which is so humiliating to your
consciousness； the whole legal system of nature on which you spit
disdainfully； of course； but from which you suffer all the same
while she does not。 They express the consciousness that you have
no enemy to punish； but that you have pain； the consciousness
that in spite of all possible Wagenheims you are in complete
slavery to your teeth； that if someone wishes it； your teeth will
leave off aching； and if he does not； they will go on aching
another three months； and that finally if you are still
contumacious and still protest； all that is left you for your own
gratification is to thrash yourself or beat your wall with your
fist as hard as you can； and absolutely nothing more。 Well；
these mortal insults； these jeers on the part of someone unknown；
end at last in an enjoyment which sometimes reaches the highest
degree of voluptuousness。 I ask you； gentlemen； listen sometimes
to the moans of an educated man of the nineteenth century
suffering from toothache； on the second or third day of the
attack； when he is beginning to moan； not as he moaned on the
first day； that is； not simply because he has toothache； not just
as any coarse peasant； but as a man affected by progress and
European civilisation； a man who is 〃divorced from the soil and
the national elements；〃 as they express it now…a…days。 His moans
become nasty； disgustingly malignant； and go on for whole days
and nights。 And of course he knows himself that he is doing
himself no sort of good with his moans； he knows better than
anyone that he is only lacerating and harassing himself and
others for nothing； he knows that even the audience before whom
he is making his efforts； and his whole family； listen to him
with loathing； do not put a ha'porth of faith in him； and
inwardly understand that he might moan differently； more simply；
without trills and flourishes； and that he is only amusing
himself like that from ill…humour； from malignancy。 Well； in all
these recognitions and disgraces it is that there lies a
voluptuous pleasure。 As though he would say： 〃I am worrying you；
I am lacerating your hearts； I am keeping everyone in the house
awake。 Well； stay awake then； you； too； feel every minute that I
have toothache。 I am not a hero to you now； as I tried to seem
before； but simply a nasty person； an impostor。 Well； so be it；
then！ I am very glad that you see through me。 It is nasty for
you to hear my despicable moans： well； let it be nasty； here I
will let you have a nastier flourish in a minute。。。。〃 You do not
understand even now； gentlemen？ No； it seems our development
and our consciousness must go further to understand all the
intricacies of this pleasure。 You laugh？ Delighted。 My jests；
gentlemen； are of course in bad taste； jerky； involved； lacking
self…confidence。 But of course that is because I do not respect
myself。 Can a man of perception respect himself at all？
V
Come； can a man who attempts to find enjoyment in the very
feeling of his own degradation possibly have a spark of respect
for himself？ I am not saying this now from any mawkish kind of
remorse。 And； indeed； I could never endure saying； 〃Forgive me；
Papa； I won't do it again；〃 not because I am incapable of saying
thaton the contrary； perhaps just because I have been too
capable of it； and in what a way； too。 As though of design I
used to get into trouble in cases when I was not to blame in any
way。 That was the nastiest part of it。 At the same time I was
genuinely touched and penitent； I used to shed tears and； of
course； deceived myself； though I was not acting in the least and
there was a sick feeling in my heart at the time。。。。 For that one
could not blame even the laws of nature； though the laws of
nature have continually all my life offended me more than
anything。 It is loathsome to remember it all； but it was
loathsome even then。 Of course； a minute or so later I would
realise wrathfully that it was all a lie； a revolting lie； an
affected lie； that is； all this penitence； this emotion； these
vows of reform。 You will ask why did I worry