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a handkerchief； tried to say something； and her lips worked
painfully； but she sank on a chair as though she had been felled
by an axe。 And all the time afterwards she listened to me with
her lips parted and her eyes wide open； shuddering with awful
terror。 The cynicism； the cynicism of my words overwhelmed
her。。。。
〃Save you！〃 I went on； jumping up from my chair and running up
and down the room before her。 〃Save you from what？ But perhaps
I am worse than you myself。 Why didn't you throw it in my teeth
when I was giving you that sermon： 'But what did you come here
yourself for？ was it to read us a sermon？' Power； power was what
I wanted then； sport was what I wanted； I wanted to wring out
your tears； your humiliation； your hysteriathat was what I
wanted then！ Of course； I couldn't keep it up then； because I am
a wretched creature； I was frightened； and； the devil knows why；
gave you my address in my folly。 Afterwards； before I got home；
I was cursing and swearing at you because of that address； I
hated you already because of the lies I had told you。 Because I
only like playing with words； only dreaming； but； do you know；
what I really want is that you should all go to hell。 That is
what I want。 I want peace； yes； I'd sell the whole world for a
farthing； straight off； so long as I was left in peace。 Is the
world to go to pot； or am I to go without my tea？ I say that the
world may go to pot for me so long as I always get my tea。 Did
you know that； or not？ Well； anyway； I know that I am a
blackguard； a scoundrel； an egoist； a sluggard。 Here I have been
shuddering for the last three days at the thought of your coming。
And do you know what has worried me particularly for these three
days？ That I posed as such a hero to you； and now you would see
me in a wretched torn dressing…gown； beggarly； loathsome。 I told
you just now that I was not ashamed of my poverty； so you may as
well know that I am ashamed of it； I am more ashamed of it than
of anything； more afraid of it than of being found out if I were
a thief； because I am as vain as though I had been skinned and
the very air blowing on me hurt。 Surely by now you must realise
that I shall never forgive you for having found me in this
wretched dressing…gown； just as I was flying at Apollon like a
spiteful cur。 The saviour； the former hero； was flying like a
mangy； unkempt sheep…dog at his lackey； and the lackey was
jeering at him！ And I shall never forgive you for the tears I
could not help shedding before you just now； like some silly
woman put to shame！ And for what I am confessing to you now； I
shall never forgive you either！ Yesyou must answer for it all
because you turned up like this； because I am a blackguard；
because I am the nastiest； stupidest； absurdest and most envious
of all the worms on earth； who are not a bit better than I am；
but； the devil knows why； are never put to confusion； while I
shall always be insulted by every louse； that is my doom！ And
what is it to me that you don't understand a word of this！ And
what do I care； what do I care about you； and whether you go to
ruin there or not？ Do you understand？ How I shall hate you now
after saying this； for having been here and listening。 Why； it's
not once in a lifetime a man speaks out like this； and then it is
in hysterics！ 。。。What more do you want？ Why do you still stand
confronting me； after all this？ Why are you worrying me？ Why
don't you go？〃
But at this point a strange thing happened。 I was so accustomed
to think and imagine everything from books； and to picture
everything in the world to myself just as I had made it up in my
dreams beforehand； that I could not all at once take in this
strange circumstance。 What happened was this： Liza； insulted and
crushed by me； understood a great deal more than I imagined。 She
understood from all this what a woman understands first of all；
if she feels genuine love； that is； that I was myself unhappy。
The frightened and wounded expression on her face was followed
first by a look of sorrowful perplexity。 When I began calling
myself a scoundrel and a blackguard and my tears flowed （the
tirade was accompanied throughout by tears） her whole face worked
convulsively。 She was on the point of getting up and stopping
me； when I finished she took no notice of my shouting： 〃Why are
you here； why don't you go away？〃 but realised only that it must
have been very bitter to me to say all this。 Besides； she was so
crushed； poor girl； she considered herself infinitely beneath me；
how could she feel anger or resentment？ She suddenly leapt up
from her chair with an irresistible impulse and held out her
hands； yearning towards me； though still timid and not daring to
stir。。。。 At this point there was a revulsion in my heart too。
Then she suddenly rushed to me； threw her arms round me and burst
into tears。 I； too； could not restrain myself； and sobbed as I
never had before。。。
〃They won't let me。。。I can't be。。。good！〃 I managed to articulate；
then I went to the sofa； fell on it face downwards； and sobbed on
it for a quarter of an hour in genuine hysterics。 She came close
to me； put her arms round me and stayed motionless in that
position。 But the trouble was that the hysterics could not go on
for ever； and （I am writing the loathsome truth） lying face
downwards on the sofa with my face thrust into my nasty leather
pillow； I began by degrees to be aware of a far…away； involuntary
but irresistible feeling that it would be awkward now for me to
raise my head and look Liza straight in the face。 Why was I
ashamed？ I don't know； but I was ashamed。 The thought； too；
came into my overwrought brain that our parts now were completely
changed； that she was now the heroine； while I was just a crushed
and humiliated creature as she had been before me that
nightfour days before。。。。 And all this came into my mind during
the minutes I was lying on my face on the sofa。
My God！ surely I was not envious of her then。
I don't know； to this day I cannot decide； and at the time； of
course； I was still less able to understand what I was feeling
than now。 I cannot get on without domineering and tyrannising
over someone； but 。。。 there is no explaining anything by
reasoning and so it is useless to reason。
I conquered myself； however； and raised my head； I had to do so
sooner or later。。。and I am convinced to this day that it was just
became I was ashamed to look at her that another feeling was
suddenly kindled and flamed up in my heart。。。a feeling of mastery
and possession。 My eyes gleamed with passion； and I gripped her
hands tightly。 How I hated her and how I was drawn to her at
that minute！ The one feeling intensified the other。 It was
almost like an act of vengeance。 At first there was a look of
amazement； even of terror on her face； but only for one instant。
She warmly and rapturously embraced me。
X