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But at this point I stopped short； and in great confusion；
indeed。
〃And how few； how few words；〃 I thought； in passing； 〃were
needed； how little of the idyllic （and affectedly； bookishly；
artificially idyllic too） had sufficed to turn a whole human life
at once according to my will。 That's virginity； to be sure！
Freshness of soil！〃
At times a thought occurred to me； to go to her； 〃to tell her
all；〃 and beg her not to come to me。 But this thought stirred
such wrath in me that I believed I should have crushed that
〃damned〃 Liza if she had chanced to be near me at the time。 I
should have insulted her； have spat at her； have turned her out；
have struck her！
One day passed； however； another and another； she did not come
and I began to grow calmer。 I felt particularly bold and
cheerful after nine o'clock； I even sometimes began dreaming； and
rather sweetly： I； for instance； became the salvation of Liza；
simply through her coming to me and my talking to her。。。。I
develop her； educate her。 Finally； I notice that she loves me；
loves me passionately。 I pretend not to understand （I don't
know； however； why I pretend； just for effect； perhaps）。 At last
all confusion； transfigured； trembling and sobbing； she flings
herself at my feet and says that I am her saviour； and that she
loves me better than anything in the world。 I am amazed； but。。。。
〃Liza；〃 I say； 〃can you imagine that I have not noticed your
love？ I saw it all； I divined it； but I did not dare to approach
you first； because I had an influence over you and was afraid
that you would force yourself； from gratitude； to respond to my
love； would try to rouse in your heart a feeling which was
perhaps absent； and I did not wish that 。。。 because it would be
tyranny 。。。 it would be indelicate〃 （in short； I launch off at
that point into European； inexplicably lofty subtleties a la
George Sand）； 〃but now； now you are mine； you are my creation；
you are pure； you are good； you are my noble wife。
'Into my house come bold and free；
Its rightful mistress there to be'。
〃Then we begin living together； go abroad and so on； and so on。〃
In fact； in the end it seemed vulgar to me myself； and I began
putting out my tongue at myself。
Besides； they won't let her out； 〃the hussy！〃 I thought。 They
don't let them go out very readily； especially in the evening
（for some reason I fancied she would come in the evening； and at
seven o'clock precisely）。 Though she did say she was not
altogether a slave there yet； and had certain rights； so； h'm！
Damn it all； she will come； she is sure to come！
It was a good thing； in fact； that Apollon distracted my
attention at that time by his rudeness。 He drove me beyond all
patience！ He was the bane of my life； the curse laid upon me by
Providence。 We had been squabbling continually for years； and I
hated him。 My God； how I hated him！ I believe I had never hated
anyone in my life as I hated him； especially at some moments。 He
was an elderly； dignified man； who worked part of his time as a
tailor。 But for some unknown reason he despised me beyond all
measure； and looked down upon me insufferably。 Though； indeed；
he looked down upon everyone。 Simply to glance at that flaxen；
smoothly brushed head； at the tuft of hair he combed up on his
forehead and oiled with sunflower oil； at that dignified mouth；
compressed into the shape of the letter V； made one feel one was
confronting a man who never doubted of himself。 He was a pedant；
to the most extreme point； the greatest pedant I had met on
earth； and with that had a vanity only befitting Alexander of
Macedon。 He was in love with every button on his coat； every
nail on his fingersabsolutely in love with them； and he looked
it！ In his behaviour to me he was a perfect tyrant； he spoke
very little to me； and if he chanced to glance at me he gave me a
firm； majestically self…confident and invariably ironical look
that drove me sometimes to fury。 He did his work with the air of
doing me the greatest favour； though he did scarcely anything for
me； and did not； indeed； consider himself bound to do anything。
There could be no doubt that he looked upon me as the greatest
fool on earth； and that 〃he did not get rid of me〃 was simply
that he could get wages from me every month。 He consented to do
nothing for me for seven roubles a month。 Many sins should be
forgiven me for what I suffered from him。 My hatred reached such
a point that sometimes his very step almost threw me into
convulsions。 What I loathed particularly was his lisp。 His
tongue must have been a little too long or something of that
sort； for he continually lisped； and seemed to be very proud of
it； imagining that it greatly added to his dignity。 He spoke in
a slow； measured tone； with his hands behind his back and his
eyes fixed on the ground。 He maddened me particularly when he
read aloud the psalms to himself behind his partition。 Many a
battle I waged over that reading！ But he was awfully fond of
reading aloud in the evenings； in a slow； even； sing…song voice；
as though over the dead。 It is interesting that that is how he
has ended： he hires himself out to read the psalms over the dead；
and at the same time he kills rats and makes blacking。 But at
that time I could not get rid of him； it was as though he were
chemically combined with my existence。 Besides； nothing would
have induced him to consent to leave me。 I could not live in
furnished lodgings： my lodging was my private solitude； my shell；
my cave； in which I concealed myself from all mankind； and
Apollon seemed to me； for some reason； an integral part of that
flat； and for seven years I could not turn him away。
To be two or three days behind with his wages； for instance； was
impossible。 He would have made such a fuss； I should not have
known where to hide my head。 But I was so exasperated with
everyone during those days； that I made up my mind for some
reason and with some object to _punish_ Apollon and not to pay
him for a fortnight the wages that were owing him。 I had for a
long timefor the last two yearsbeen intending to do this；
simply in order to teach him not to give himself airs with me；
and to show him that if I liked I could withhold his wages。 I
purposed to say nothing to him about it； and was purposely silent
indeed； in order to score off his pride and force him to be the
first to speak of his wages。 Then I would take the seven roubles
out of a drawer； show him I have the money put aside on purpose；
but that I won't； I won't； I simply won't pay him his wages； I
won't just because that is 〃what I wish；〃 because 〃I am master；
and it is for me to decide；〃 because he has been disrespectful；
because he has been rude； but if he were to ask respectfully I
might be softened and give it to him； otherwise he might wait
another fortnight； another three weeks； a whole month。。。。
But angry as I w